Have you lost any friends because of arthritis?

sugarbuttie

I am only 15 months into all this. Only family, close friends & a few people at work know.

Have any of you seen friends drift away because of your condition?

Just curious.......

weejean

Well unfortunately my answer to this is yes. I have lost quite a few friends because of Arthritis. I think the main reason being that I used to go out to pubs and clubs a lot years ago but as the arthritis got worse and the need for medication got more I gave up drinking alcohol and for some reason that made me a leper amongst my so called friends. I was called a "party pooper" if I didnt go out if I was in too much pain and was also reffered to as being boring. The good news is that since then I have made loads of new friends who accept me just the way I am and find me good fun and interesting without going to parties and having a drink. I think when you have something like arthritis you find out who your true friends are.

Colin1

dont seem to be able to work this

Colin1

Hi Guys yes its about the same for me the drinking put the final cabosh on it or should i say my lack of drinking but i still have one good friend and a great family.
Colin

suncatcher

Yes you find out who your real friends are. I have plenty of new ones who accept me as i am. Its not just down to Arther most people with any disability can go through this. I am going through the statement process i have suspicions son has mild autism i went to a coffee morning to meet other moms with kids with this condition and they say as soon as they get the results and they are very vulnerable and need support its amazing how the friends drift away. very sad indeed from joanne

hileena111

Hi
My answer to this is yes as well. It shows who your true friends are doesnt it?

Some I have lost completely...well they must never have been friends in the first place eh?

There are others that I consider good friends but I dont see as much of them but they are still there and I see them occasionally.
I still consider them friends but I dont see them as much because I cant go walking with with them or do various things thilke that. I dont expect them to give up the things they've always done just because i cant do them. They will meet me to do other things if that makes sense.

Then there are new friends I've met which makes up for the ones I've lost.

I think people should know about your situation otherwise they expect you to do things at their speed ect but on the other hand dont keep banging on about it....that can make you boring I think.

Love
Hileena

Ankyspond

I feel very lucky because I haven't lost any friends. Everyone knows about my arthritis as they have seen me getting frustrated before diagnosed, I am 43 with AS and still push myself to do most things which I know I shouldn't.

I am so lucky to be surrounded by lovely people. Xx

frogmorton

Colin1 wrote:

Hi Guys yes its about the same for me the drinking put the final cabosh on it or should i say my lack of drinking but i still have one good friend and a great family.
Colin

Hi Colin!!!! How are YOU doing???

frogmorton

My answer to this is yes too.

One friend in particular gets annoyed that l am no longer the life and soul and drinking her under the table.

I have found out who the real friends are though

and gained a few more on here

Love

toni xx

valval

yes but i think it because i no longer go out and about as much i only have so much energy so choose how i spend it need some for work(have to to live) some for family and the rest for me doing things i want to and not waisting it on pleasing others it selfish but decided to re-arrange my priorities when arther became bad val

nanasue

I've had RA for 6 years and along the way been diagnosed with OA and fibro. It was hard at first for my family and friends but as I've always been open with them they got used to it. I haven't lost any friends and my best friend has fibro so that makes it easier for her to understand, she is always there for me when I need someone to talk to (about other stuff as well) as I am with her, so all in all I've not really had a problem.

Sue x

Colin1

Hi Toni
You caught me old billy no mates LOL
Back cos im bad again seems you guys get my feet tapping and my brain into gear. i see all the suffering on here and think how lucky i am.
Giving support to others is a great healer.
Tank care Toni
Colin

dreamdaisy

Without a doubt. Mr DD and me used to have a close circle of six, which led to a greater circle of about twenty. They are all healthy and have drifted away which is fair enough. I am an unreliable friend now, I realise that. There are only so many times that people will contact you about going out and I have to say 'Sorry, not at the moment.' or we plan to meet up but have to cancel as arthritis bites the day before: I am sure it knows that I am planning some fun! I encourage Mr DD to meet up with the gang on walks etc, but he won't go without me, 'It's not the same,' he says. I find that annoying (as well as a compliment) - just 'cos I can't go tramping across the hills for miles at a time does not mean that he shouldn't, does it? DD

jillyb1

Yes most definitely ; diagnosed at 25 and most of our friends were unable to understand or cope . 30 years later and although we wonder how their lives turned out , we no longer try to make contact as they were obviously not truly worth our friendship . Jillyb

stickywicket

I was diagnosed at 15. It was in my hands and ankles at first. My friends helped me to walk to school then and we still keep in touch tho’, due to distance, only meet up once or twice a year.

Friends I made later knew the score from the start and, as Mr SW & I have been in tandem since uni, they’ve also tended to come in pairs. They, too, have been great. If people were put off by my limitations that was up to them. I can’t say I’ve noticed any disappearing acts. Or maybe I’ve just not missed them. Nowadays, we meet up with friends for meals or I find 3-4 mile wheelchair accessible walks which all, oddly enough, seem to end in a good pub that does lunches.

Now that I don’t get out much on my own to make new friends, friends tend to be ‘ours’ rather than ‘mine’. One of the things I value about this forum is the freedom to witter on about my joints in private.

mummyb

Hi guys, not been around for a while but hope no one minds if I chip in a bit here.

This topic is very real to me at the moment as I've gone from having loads of friends to now not knowing whether I have any left at all! This is partly my fault because the more poorly I am the less communicative I am too. I've stopped ringing people cos I don't feel I have anything to say to them, but then desperately feel the need to discuss Arthur and how I'm feeling, but am not sure who I can talk to about this as people generally don't seem to understand just how much Arthur does limit what I can do. I'm sure if I contacted my friends and told them how I feel they would be there, but I've beeen so poorly lately that this feels like a mammoth thing to do.

So I've become the sort of friend who was there for everyone and would do anything I could for them, to feeling isolated and alone in the world of Arthur which I still haven't come to terms with and don't really understand. It feels a pretty lonely place to be at times.

Anyway, please forgive my self pitying moan, but it does feel good to get that off my chest. Its good to know that you are all there who do understand and can forgive the occasional wobble.
Thanks for listening, Brenda :oops:

Airwave!

arther puts you into a different social standing than you would otherwise have been, restrictions in income mean you can do less socialising, less activities, less of everything even down to way you dress, your house, your car. Less activities caused by physical restrictions add another level to the above.

Since I cannot do the above to the previous level, my life and the people I meet are different and their reaction to me is different, mention a long term condition and their eyes glaze over and their conversation changes so yes I have lost friends and don't meet new ones on the same terms.

Sometimes I just want to stand on the clifftops and shout, "I have arther, so what"!!!! I am still me, or at least I might be......sometimes I think I'm going mad trying to make sense of arther.

kickyloo

It makes me sad to read this, but also a bit happy.
Sad, because it's so true and I have the same experience. But happy knowing that actually it's not 'me' - I'm not a worthless person that can't keep friends - it's the arthur and I'm not alone.

Similar experiences, I have withdrawn from social occasions either due to pain or tiredness. There have been a few times when it's been important so I've pushed myself to go out but it felt worse to be faced with the reality of how things have changed (me not drinking, not dancing, joining in). I think that hurt more than not going and makes me more depressed. Sometimes people will ask how I am, and when I try to explain, tell the truth, they just look so embarassed and like they want to get away. I think they're not bad people, they just don't want to have to experience it. When given a choice, neither would I!!! In fact one friend was really surprised to hear how rubbish I was feeling when I turned up using my walking stick ("but I thought that was all better now?" I wish!)

Can't say I've found new friends who understand. But have managed to find some hobbies that give me enjoyment, so I'm not totally depressed!!! Only sometimes.

hileena111

Hi,
I posted earlier in this thread. I've made some new friends, lost some, and still have some that I cant do the things they now do with frends but they meet me to do other things so thats OK.
Its actually family thats my problem.......should I say my husbands family [not mine} I dont have anything in common with them anyway and any parties they have etc are boring {husband knows this but its his family so he wont say anything against them} We were supposed to have a picnic today.....by the way we see them every Christmas and maybe once a year in between times......its always been the same even before I had arthur. Anyway....back to today....they know that not only do i have arthur but have a fractured pelvis at the moment and am on crutches.....they expect me to go to this picnic, on a beach, quite a long way from where you can park the car {googled it} and I'm told by one of his sisters that it is not scooter friendly,also the weather has been dreadful so can you imagine me sitting on a chair {even if it didnt rain} while they went for walks or played games on the beach....I would be freezing .......and its very damp....most of you know what that does to arthritis :shock: The last thibng is that crutches and sand dont exactly go together!!!
Oh well I got out of it and talked my husband in to going on his own....I would rather he went and enjoyed himself and me have a lazy day at home than him stay here and want to go to it or me go to the picnic and wish I was a t home
Sorry for the moan
Love
Hileena

stickywicket

Hileena, that's awful! I can't imagine any of my family or friends arranging an outing they knew I'd find virtually impossible to deal with. And, if they did, and it were Mr SW's family, he'd tell them in no uncertain terms. What a dreadful last-day-before-the-scan for you! I hope that, in addition to these thoughtless people, you also have the good, caring friends that you deserve.

hileena111

Thanks Sticky,
I suppose I only see them once or twice a year and like lots of other people that dont have arthritis they dont understand it. As for Peter he knows I hate going out with them the few times I HAVE to......regardless of arthur....so I think he thought it was just me backing out of it because i dont like his family.
When he came home he said its a good job you didnt come.....you couldnt have coped and wouldnt have enjoyed it.....{in a nice and understanding way} He showed me a lot of photos he had taken, 12 people, 3 generations, They had an awning....but it was jut a roof incase of rain...no sides or anything. He said it was a long walk to where they were going and all the photos were very active.....playing cricket on the beach, a ball game, out in dingys ......sitting on the sand {which i couldnt do } making castles with the little ones.....Apparently the heavens opened at one stage.....it just drizzled here but didnt tell him that
I'm glad he went, he did enjoy himself and I was quite happy at home pottering about and Sarah arrived unexpectedly this afternoon with a lad in tow?????? :???: Didnt get a chance to ask her anything because he was there....she said I'll see you for coffee when you come back from your holidays.....that translated between her and I means I'll see you and tell you whats going on
Love
Hileena

weejean

Aw Hileena

What an awful thing for them to do but it doesnt shock me in the least as similar things have happened to me. I cant even say it was my husbands family, as it was mine. I have lost count of the family occasions whether it be weddings/birthday parties etc that my close family have arranged in venues which are not disabled friendly. The most recent was my nephews wedding. My nephew was reared by my own parents so he is more like a brother to me and fully aware of my walking difficulties and decided to have his wedding reception in a venue which was up three flights of stairs and there was no lift. I managed to get up the stairs on my crutches with very great difficulty and spent the evening in a lot of pain and dreading when I had to go back down all the stairs to go home. When I questioned his choice of venue I just got that blank stare as if he had no idea what I was refering to. After this I decided that I will not be attending any occasions that are held in places that are not easily accessable to me and if they ask why I will just say "Hello I'm Jean and I have severe OA in every joint, have we met" Clearly I am a stranger to certain family members and they have not listened to a word I have said over the last 20 years or so where my condition is concerned. Sorry for the rant but it just brought it all back into my head when I read your story. I really sympathise with how you are feeling. Thinking of you xx

hileena111

Oh Jean
Thats awful......especially being your own family that should know better...the fact that I see these lot about twice a year at the most {thank goodness} I sort of thought well they dont know how bad I am.....as for Peter.....with it being his family I didnt want to upset him by not going because he knows I never got on with them even before arthur....nothing in ommon at all. But from now on I will do the same as you, check out the place and just say NO and not feel the least bit guilty about it.
Love
Hileena

theresa4

The answer is yes some friends and even family can find it hard to understand and so distance themselves. Some find it difficult to understand the day to day differences in how much we can do and the astounding variablilty in that. We may plan to go out at the weekend and have a really good week mon-fri then sat comes and were in agony and just cant face going out or physically cant manage it.
One of my friends took it as a personal insult that I cancelled on her several times as I couldnt walk yet managed to go somewhere with my other friend on a different day. What she didnt realise was I had cancelled just as much with my other friend but she was more flexible in times she coould meet up wityh me.
The first friend is quite distant with me now whereas my flexible friend knows my condition can dictate when and where alot of the time and is quite willing to rearrange where possible. We even celebrate birthdays months late if need be.
As for family some are thoughtless and take no effort to understand the condition so are not nice when you have to bow out of a function. I get mant sarcy comments from a certain in law about my convenient illness Im learning to ignore him ....learning not to take his head off....learning not to open my mouth and ........
Hope you find youre good friends helpful

Theresa xx

tkachev

I had to stop going out as it was too painful so I did lose touch with many friends. I have had a bit more life since starting Humira and a having a THR. A couple of friends came to visit me over the years but I wasn't much company I can tell you but they are still around. They saw me at my worst and so have a better understanding of my limitations. I don't drink much either but then I never really did. I do feel like a party pooper at times.

OH family are the worst of all never offering help. I recently decided not to go to anymore of their do's. I've had enough.

Elizabeth

dreamdaisy

I am still mystified why some think that people who are not arthritis-afflicted should have any comprehension of what life is like when one is. I don't bang on about it to friends 'cos I do realise how boring it is for healthy people - I might as well be talking in Japanese (and often feel as tho I am) as they all have their preconceptions about it. When (and if) they ask I say I'm fine. When we meet up with the gang for Bonfire Night at Stowlangtoft, they all troop off across the fields and watch the pretty things and lurk in the beer tent, I sit in the house in front of the telly or with a good book and wait for them to come back. It's no big deal. DD