Very Low Today :(

weejean

Hi everyone, I am having one of those days

As some of you know I had a fall on Thursday, then on Friday my hip was very sore and felt like it was clicking and I was a bit concerned so my Hubby phoned my surgeons secretary to ask if my surgeon could look at xray from previous day at A&E in case there was something wrong. A&E admitted on Thursday that they couldnt make sense of my xray as the OA is so bad and let me go home as long as I felt I could manage. My surgeon had a look at the xray and said that there was no further damage but the clicking was not good and I would need complete rest until my bi-lateral THR on 9th September. I am really struggling with this. Although my OA is really bad, I have always been able to manage and I take great pride in being a Housewife and Mother. I have never been able to work and get so much satisfaction from keeping my house and family clean and fed etc. My Hubby is trying so hard but he is not very house proud, I am trying to grin and bear it but its driving me mad. Yesterday my Hubby told me that he is moving our bedroom around as there isnt much room at the sides of the bed and he needs to be able to help me in and out of bed. I could have burst into tears as I feel as if everything is changing, I know it probably sounds stupid but I want everything to stay the same and I also want to be in charge of the house, washing, cooking etc. Because I am feeling so low, my Hubby and I have had an arguement as he feels that I think he is incapable and wont let him take over for a while. Its not that I dont trust him or anything, its just that I cant let go, I dont know how to, I have spent my whole life fighting against Arthritis and Its like a battle that I want to win (sorry but that probably doesnt make any sense at all). I feel that if I take complete rest and let my Hubby take over then Arthritis has beat me. I am in tears as I write this and just dont know what to do. I just had to get everything off my chest as I feel no-one understands me at all. Thanks for letting me rant xx

dotty123

Aw Jean have a big cuddle, I am new to this so I can't really say much. I don't know how old you are, I am 43 this week and I have noticed a huge difference in what I can and can't do . But I think I understand where you are coming from.
Your husband is trying to do the right thing by helping you and making things easier for you.. but you are frustrated because you want to do the things that you used to do . I dread the day that I really need to rely on someone to do the most simplest of things...
Perhaps explain to your husband that you are thankful for him trying but he doesn't understand the mental side of this illness and the frustration it causes you.
You want to do your bit without pain. And pain can make us feel so miserable and that adds to the frustration.

Keep your chin up hun

xx

mig

Hi weejean,i know how you feel to a very small extent,i was diagnosed with RA last sept and compared to most people on here i can do most things but hubby thinks he has to do everything i keep telling him when i need help i will ask.you rant and moan all you like does you good.
where abouts in scotland are you from ?my hubby is from glasgow and my daughter-in-law perth,we had some good times there.hugs Mig

stickywicket

Oh weejean, I so understand! It's a very scarey proposition, leaving the house in the hands of a bloke. No, seriously, I do understand. I can see where you're coming from and it's so good that you've not let the arthritis dominate your life.

I've got to confess that, living with 3 males, as I did before my sons left home, I was (for my sanity's sake) never particularly houseproud. But letting them run the house their way is another matter entirely. However, I've had to do it, just as you must. It's not letting arthritis get the better of you: it's the only way, right now, to get the better of it. Think of it as a trial run for your post-op period because no way can you be doing housework then. And, if your husband is doing it, the best thing for your marriage is to let him do it his way. It won't be yours. It'll be infuriating at times. But you can't tell him how to do every job.

Mine finally discovered cooking last op I had. He didn't cook as I do. He wasted far more than I do. (Four veg per meal is rather a lot even for a confirmed veggie.) I cringed when visitors arrived to find the dirty laudry decorating the floors and the clean stuff hanging round the walls. But he did it.

And now he cooks the best mushrooms in the world & does the Sunday meal sometimes. And the house is back to normal. And my TKR is fantastic. And our marriage is still good.

You've had a nasty shock with this fall and all the ensuing problems. But you can win out in the end. Concede the battle: win the war.

Melrymax

Aww Hun big hugs. It's hard to let the men do housework and half the time they don't get it right lol. But unfortunately it gets to a time where they have to . Maybe you could rest on the couch and direct him? Xxx

dotty123

P.S
I couldn't bare the thought of my husband cooking, he burns everything and I mean everything !! My kitchen constantly smells of burnt toast !! does he ever learn how quick the grill is ...NO....
He shrinks my clothes... mixes the washing... so my whites are normally grey !!
He can't even put milk in the micro-wave without it bubbling over !!

Men aye

dreamdaisy

Sticky is so right: you are not ceding anything and you are not giving in. Marriage is a partnership, based on mutual respect and there is a certain line in the vows about sickness and health. Now is the time for your man to look after you. It won't be as perfect as you might wish but it will be a damn sight easier than struggling with pain and possibly making things worse for your surgeon to tackle in the near future. Don't doubt your man, try not to criticise his efforts, appreciate his support and say thank you (even if it is through gritted teeth). This arthritis malarkey hits everyone in the family, not just us: I suspect he is just as distressed, he wants to support you in whatever way he can but maybe can't show it. This is him trying to do just that. DD

weejean

Sticky, I really appreciate your comments and I have never thought about it as "Concede the battle: win the war." This makes sense in my mind and will go a long way to helping me cope just now. I dont know why I am so paranoid about my housework etc, I think it was just the way I was brought up, my Mum is exactly the same. I need to try to relax and remember that if the house is not clean its not the end of the world. I am just finding it hard to come to terms with all the changes that are happening right now. I am so good at looking after other people but I am a terrible patient. I am good at giving advice but not so good at taking it. I need to focus on how great things will be after I recover from my surgery and how I will enjoy giving my house a good scrub when I am fit again. Thanks so much xx

Melrymax, thanks for the hugs, I am in need of them today. I will just need to grin and bear it and be thankful I have a husband who is so willing to help

stickywicket

weejean wrote:

how I will enjoy giving my house a good scrub when I am fit again.

Tell you what, weejean. If you're a good girl and do as the doc says for now, after your new hips are up and running, and as a special treat, I'll let you come down here and scrub mine too!!!

weejean

Dotty, your post made me smile, so thanks for that. I am quite fortunate that my Hubby is not too bad at cooking and is starting to find his way around the kitchen. He also managed to wash the clothes without any major mis-haps, thank goodness

DD you are so right and I have been there for my Hubby so many times in the past with his own health issues. I didnt realise that I am a complete control freak and am at my happiest when I am helping others but really struggle to accept the help when I need it. This time I have no choice as I cant risk anything interfering with my surgery and I have to accept that I cant do things by myself for a while. I need to talk things through with Hubby this evening. He is very scared that I am going to hurt myself and risk not being able to have my surgery and he is being overly protective of me. Its just his way of coping and I need to let him feel that he is in control. Thanks for your support xx

weejean

stickywicket wrote:

weejean wrote:

how I will enjoy giving my house a good scrub when I am fit again.

Tell you what, weejean. If you're a good girl and do as the doc says for now, after your new hips are up and running, and as a special treat, I'll let you come down here and scrub mine too!!!

No problem Sticky, I will be there with my mop and bucket as soon as I can xx

constable

Hi Jean

When I first read your post of having arguments with hubby due to you wanting to let go, I thought that I could have written that.

Gradually jobs are being taken away, or should I say my hubby is making the girls help more. I don't work because I have always suffed with depression and severe anxiety. So my home and my job in my home is top priority.

But, there comes a time that for your families sake you have to let them do it. I know how hard it is, but once your op is done and dusted and recover over, you can retake your position. Just think of it as a break for a while, believe me once you are ready there will be plenty to do, getting your home back to the way you want it.


karen xx

julie47

oh dear wee jean

I am sorry you are so very .low today.

It is terrible when you can't do the things you used to do but with time you will either adapt a way to do the chores or deligate them.
I really miss washing my car, cutting the grass and washing the windows. All these are now done by my oh.
I am also one who loves a tidy house but I have learnt to shut a door now.

I hope you feel much better tomorrow.
Take care
Julipf x

jillyb1

Jean , please don't take it out on your poor hubby , you're naturally upset at the way your life is changing ; so is he ! The poor man is no doubt itching to hug and take care of you ; make everything ok again . As that's not possible right now , he's doing the best he can as you are too . Instead of looking back try and look forward to the good times ahead ; and maybe hugging your hubby would be a good plan too ! It will all sort itself out , things usually do . Jillyb

speedalong

Weejean,

in the lead up to my op, my mobility was so poor and my pain so severe I really struggled with house work and had to prioritise what needed doing.

I know you are feeling loss of control, but it really is only for a short time. You will need to make temporary adaptions at home - ie move things around in cupboards and fridge etc so you can reach things post op etc. Just remember IT IS TEMPORARY AND IT IS WORTH IT. Once you have finished your rehab, you will be able to soon get your home how you like it and being doing jobs you never thought you would manage again.

Are you using crutches?

Melly1

speedalong

Weejean,

in the lead up to my op, my mobility was so poor and my pain so severe I really struggled with house work and had to prioritise what needed doing.

I know you are feeling loss of control, but it really is only for a short time. You will need to make temporary adaptions at home - ie move things around in cupboards and fridge etc so you can reach things post op etc. Just remember IT IS TEMPORARY AND IT IS WORTH IT. Once you have finished your rehab, you will be able to soon get your home how you like it and being doing jobs you never thought you would manage again.

Are you using crutches?

Melly1

weejean

Hi Karen, its good to talk to people who truly understand how I am feeling. It really helps as I dont feel so alone. I know I need to let go, its the doing it that is so difficult but I will just have to take the plunge. Thanks for sharing your experiences with me xx

Julie, thanks for your support and understanding. It means a lot to me xx

Jilly, I try not to say anything to Hubby but he can always sense when I am not happy and will constantly ask whats wrong until I cave in and tell him. We will sort everything out and get things in the house sorted as well. I cant promise to be happy about it but I will definately try my best to accept it. I am sure there will be loads of hugs involved xx

Speedy, I know I need to look past all this and see how wonderful our lives will be once I recover fully. I have so much to look forward to and I know how lucky I am to have the chance of this surgery next month. I have been using crutches for eleven years now and hopefully some day in the near future I might take my first steps without them xx

tj66

Sending you a huge hug (not too tight)!

I feel so moved by your post and I'm so sorry you feel so understandably low! I'm sorry too that I have no words of wisdom to offer, this is all very new to me. I just had to send some warm wishes your way and hope you feel a bit brighter soon.

Traceyxxx

weejean

Tracey, thanks for the hugs, I am going to have a good nights sleep and everything will look better in the morning. Thanks for your support xx