Dating with Arthritis

dingbat77

Just thought would ask what people thought

I'm 48 average looking guy , I was in a relationship in 2008 when my mobility was about an 8/10 , my partner lived a fair distance away, to cut a long story short due to my mobility getting worse and the distance involved it ended, she was someone who enjoyed walking and the outdoors and she was 10yrs younger.
Since then on advice of friends tried a couple of dating sites , being an honest guy put some blub in the description ie " if looking for a guy that can climb every mountain , probably won't be for you" etc did meet a few but even when I explained my health problems in messages prior got the shocked look when I hobbled into the pub doing my diseased John Cleese silly walk and it was goodnight Vienna. Doing singles events out as can't stand long enough at the bar to chat anyone up or comedy dance, and a dinner shuffle for me is the real deal as by the time I make it to table 7 time to move again

I have cancelled my Eh membership and have joined a few social meet up groups where people can see my problems and hopefully can meet someone that way.....I am apparently repairable but still not sure if having THR's a deal breaker when dating ie if I am walking normally again without my cane does one mention it or does one only explain when she hears the squeeking??

Maybe what is needed is a dating site for people who have Arthritis

Has anyone had experience of dating with Arthurs ???

dreamdaisy

I haven't had to face that yet (arthritis set in for me two years after marriage) but if someone takes agin you for such a reason then I reckon they are not worth knowing in the first place. Many people who are 'healthy' do not understand the impact that this disease can have, or the difference that replacement joints can make. I think it's best to be honest about it, after all it's honesty, humour and empathy (with a good meshing of personalities) which are key to a good relationship (with or without arthritis) not dashing good looks and millions in the bank (tho that can help ) Keep looking, Dingbat, I'm sure someone is out there for you - but get the surgery done and dusted first. I wish you well. DD

BLEUGIRL

hello im sure you will meet someone when u least expect it
before my accident me & my partner loved walkin our dogs we wud walk 4 miles & miles know i have a mobility scooter i do feel embarrased so we go away 4 long weekends & im ok & i can still go with my partner, i have said to my partner that i wud not blame him if he wanted 2 walk away from me as im not goin 2 get no better but worse, but he refuses , but it is still in the back ov my mind :sad:
so chin up & carry on x

dingbat77

Cheers

But it is probably a lot different if already with someone long or medium term and you lose your mobility as opposed to just meeting someone or in a short term relationship as it does impact .

I have asked myself if 10 yrs ago when I was fit , if I saw a gal with a limp would I be interested and for me personality just as important as appearance , but sadly with this check list box dating these days not so easy if disabled, I think you have to be a realist, from experience 80% don't go for the beauty is skin deep or eye of the beholder malarky, they want the whole package which includes a partner that is mobile.
Certainly when I did mention I had arthritis on the dating site , the message ping pong with the gal suddenly stopped

I watched a programme a few months ago where they put a stunning gal in a bar seated blokes were all over her, a guy would chat her up , she then said she had to use the loo and would be back , she got up and obvious had serious mobility issues (MS??) when she went the guy put his drink down and left, I found that quite sad, I had a friend who was profoundly deaf and she had the same experience , fine until she spoke.

mig

Honesty is the best policy.You will find someone when the time is right.Mig

barbara12

Hi dingbat
Its good to meet you, and welcome to this lovely forum
I do think you have done the right thing joining these dating sites, I know a lot of people who are fully abled bodied and cant meet the love of there dreams.
You be honest from the start, and I am sure you will meet someone, it not has though you cant walk at all, lots of people out there who dont care for long hikes.
I really do wish you well with everything, and please keep us updated.

elnafinn

dingbat77 wrote:

Maybe what is needed is a dating site for people who have Arthritis Has anyone had experience of dating with Arthurs ???

There are dating sites for peeps with arthritis but I have got no experience of them:-

http://www.arthritis.org/a-different-kind-of-date.php

I presume they would not have as many people on their books as other dating agencies.

Elna x

dingbat77

I will probably keep clear of online dating , prefer doing meet ups where you can be yourself in a group environment without the pressure being on also fed up of grinning at the wrong women as they drive into pub/restaurant car parks.

Interesting to see though that disabled dating sites exist .

dreamdaisy

Oh Dingbat, that did make me smile, your saying you are fed up with grinning at the wrong women! Come give me one of your lovely grins, mate, and it will be returned!

One of Mr DD's girlfriends (yup, she's a friend and she's female) has a check-list for a potential mate that is utterly ridiculous: nett result she is now the wrong side of 45, far too needy and nervy and repels men faster than a brolly does rainwater. Those who do try to take her out are rejected on grounds as varied as being too short, too tall, hair the wrong colour, drives the wrong car, you honestly would not believe it. I have a thing for very tall men with dark hair: Mr DD is at least five inches shorter than me and has morphed from blonds to mouse :roll: but he makes me laugh like a drain.

You sound like a nice guy and I hope you find someone - it will probably be when and where you least expect it - and may happen quicker if you stop looking. I met my current spouse three months after marrying for the first time. :oops: DD

elnafinn

I know of 4 people including myself, who met their other half via dating agencies, well before computer dating. :oops: We have all stayed with the person we met via this method (35 years for me ) and my daughter met her man 5 years ago via the net. It can work excellently

Elna x

dingbat77

Thanks grinning now.

Yes I know quite a few female and male friends that are still single and reaching their 50's or beyond , the main reason being they have high expectations are nothing special themselves but go for the unobtainable. You would laugh at the men/women they try and match with, more chance of the pope becoming yiddish and they have fully working limbs

Yes I am a nice , honest guy but even when was fully working the women preferred the geezers and players as more of a challenge.

I am not that actively looking as too busy trying to sort my body out but would be nice to meet someone special ideally a 26 yr old blonde who is also a trained physio and can carry middle aged men up stairs :roll: :roll:

elnafinn

dingbat77 wrote:

I am not that actively looking as too busy trying to sort my body out but would be nice to meet someone special ideally a 26 yr old blonde who is also a trained physio and can carry middle aged men up stairs :roll: :roll:

Hey! Now who is being rather fussy! I will keep my eyes open and if I happen to meet such a person you will be the first to know. OK?

Elna x

charlielou86

Hiya
Completly see where you are coming from I had the same problem. I had dates and tried online dating and as soon as they found out about my arthritis or I couldnt do certain things, such as clubbing all night; i wouldnt hear from them again.
I am really lucky the man of my dreams was right under my nose all aling as I worked with him. We got together May 2010, got engaged in Oct 2010 and we married this July and now getting ready to start a family.
It will work out when you least expect it, be honest with people and remember if they cant take you for what you are it isnt meant to be and it will be there loss.

Good Luck xx

dingbat77

I'm quite as positive person , and believe it it's meant to be it will, there is no point being depressed about it and my view now is "their loss"!!!

The only up side is ones mates stop the "have you met anyone yet " questions

I didn't enjoy clubbing all night before having Arthritis and I used to be a DJ

Congratulations by the way.

hileena111

Hi Dingbat,
I got arthur long after i was married so cant relate to that ....sorry.
I've nothing against dating sites but I think groups or clubs of sorts where you meet people and they take you as you are....or leave you as the case may be....in that case they are not worth it. :roll:
I think you are doing that....and i honestly think thats the best way......let people get to know the real you and they will not notice the limp or whatever....OK slight exaggeration {not notice} bjut you know what I mean I hope
I'm married.....but am a lot different now to what i was....we used to go walking, cycling, camping etc and now.....If I have to walk very far or its very hilly...out comes the mobility scooter.

Once again to everyone else....nothing whatsoever against dating

sites...online or otherwise....OK

Just thought.....I was looking for a job when I was 49 and as soon as I filled in that age.....I was rejected...I know age discrimination.....but cant prove it....then I applied via an agency for a job, got a telephone interview, then went to see them and got the job.....all because they saw me and i got a chance to say what I could do before they looked at the age and said get lost Not quite the same i know but roughly the same.

Love
Hileena

dingbat77

I tend to agree I have had some interesting meets with people from dating sites , economical re the truth an understatement , one even sent her mother along, I assume that was the case coz she had aged 20yrs, I now prefer going to a meal, cinema night pub quiz or a comedy show and get chatting with people , if someone there I click with a bonus if not still have had a good evening.

I have a large circle of mates so only need to dip in to the "group" thing when they haven't arranged anything. I wobble more than I limp as both hips knackered ( there is a you tube vid called Ian's Hip replacement journey posted by a chap who has had bilateral THR which mirrors my gait, I hope my outcome as successful as his, you can watch it here http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bbx6ZgNxqKk

The only time I do get low is when in hospital not having any family ( only distant cousins in USA) or a partner does bring it home how alone
one can be, but again thankfully have mates.

I can retire on a large payout and pension in 18 mths but I'm being put forward for ill health the sticking point is whether my condition will render me "permanently disabled" , they are argueing that if I have my joints replaced I won't be, but I still won't be able to run and if I have a TKR bend etc and that's before the rhumo flare ups, waiting to see the MO for a decision ....Deep joy!

tkachev

I met my partner before arthritis started. I don't think he'd have been so keen if I'd met him nowadays.

I often get asked to meet up with old friends on facebook but I am really embarressed to consider it and keep making excuses.

When I have gone out I get really sympathetic glances like you poor thing.

IT wasn't too bad when I had a THR as I felt it was expected that I would be hobbling about on crutches but now I hurriedly sit down ad stay there.

Having said that there will be people who have similar issues, don't care or can see through all that and go for personality. They are the people you want to find.

All the best
Elizabeth (also 48).

mp1952

Hi

i think the video clip is really encouraging.

I had a THR in May 2010 and i walk completely normally now (having previously needed two walking sticks) and people are amazed when I tell them I have had my hip done. I dont dance, however, but thst doesn't bother me! Don't leave it too long to get your hip(s) done though - I made the mistake of putting it off for 18 months and wish that ihad had it done sooner...


Marion

dingbat77

Thanks , sadly I'm at the mercy of my recent prostate op , I saw consultant today and he wants it properly healed up before he will sign me off as ok for first hip op , next see him mid January, to be honest rather have Crimbo free of crutches, so it looking like February earlist,

The consultant not sure if doing my worst hip (right) will give me enough mobility and cure back pain to put the left off for a while or if he needs to do both , he said he can do both within 6 weeks of each other, personally I would rather have both done at same time

Hip / knee pain level manageable with Sopadol and rest

Only other problem is I'm due to come off of warfarin end of November ( had a DVT) and hip man wants me to stay on it , NHS warfarin clinic not keen and rather I just get blood thinning injections after each op for a few weeks.

hileena111

Hi,
Much the same position except I've had one THR done the other he doesnt want to do until back specialist signs me off
was supposted to be done last Oct and here we are nearly Nov and still not signed off.
I would have thought coming off the warfarin would be good when you get the THR done because they have you out of bed moving almost immediately and then injections for almost the 6 weeks {sorry cant remember the exact length of time}
From what i know of warfarin.......it stops you taking a lot of other meds and with oA there does seem to be painkillers and surgery and nothing else to help you.
Sorry if I'm rambling but its still early
Love
Hileena

dingbat77

Just got a letter from the Haemotologist (NHS) she has taken note of the BUPA hip consultant and recommends I stay on warfarin until three months after my last Operation , which is reassuring , just means will have to stop warfarin 5 days before each op , then go on injections after op until warfarin goes to right level.