Recession..... what recession?

joanlawson

You'll know that the recession is bad when......

http://i1090.photobucket.com/albums/i368/beaulieu95/McDonalds.jpg

Joan

joanlawson

A lobbyist on his way home from Parliament is stuck in traffic. Noticing a police officer, he winds down his window and asks: ‘What’s the hold-up?’ The policeman replies: ‘The Prime Minister is so depressed he’s stopped his motorcade and is threatening to douse himself with petrol and set himself on fire. He says no one believes he can get us through the recession. So we’re taking up a collection for him.’
The lobbyist asks: ‘How much have you got so far?’
The officer replies: ‘About 40 gallons, but a lot of people are still syphoning.’

joanlawson

Breaking News about the Recession....

Poundstretchers and M&S are to amalgamate to beat the recession.

They will be called Stretchmarks.

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Bob Geldorf has announced plans for a worldwide fund raiser for the world.

Following the loss of trillions and trillions of pounds, presumably to aliens or by sheer carelessness, Sir Bob aims to raise awareness of the worldwide recession.

Said Bob "We will have concerts in all the major capitals of the World, and a phone donation line. Once all the money is in, we will divide it up and give it back. This recession is going to affect everyone, so it is time to act now"

So far, acts who have signed up are a little on the thin side.

Fears abound that fans may be more interested in finding food, jobs and shelter than listening to multi millionaire pop icons.

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Apple has announced the launch of a new "app" for its hot-selling laptops and tablets entitled "iPoor". iPoor will offer an integrated financial reporting system that will tell users just how poor they are and the list of reasons why they will always be poor.

A spokesman commented, "Given the changing times and the fact that everyone is dirt poor, we felt it appropriate to design a new application that will reach out to a wider consumer base."

He continued, "we think this product is great because it will be custom tailored to all the reasons why you will personally be screwed. Laid off? No worries, iPoor will know. Social security checks reduced? Yup, iPoor is on that too.

joanlawson

The western world may be in the grip of a recession but not according to the results of a recent survey carried out in Shell Suit City, the benefit capital of the UK.

The survey of local businesses found that sales of alcohol,tobacco and scratch cards had increased over the last 12 months.While bookmakers,take aways,tattoo artists and sun bed shops were also being kept busy.

The Lord Mayor, Brian Birdbrain, said,"It hasn't all been plain sailing.We have lost one or two businesses, mainly charity shops and greengrocers but they won't be missed."

However not everyone was completely happy. Unemployed single mother of seven Sharron Shoplifter 25, said "We can only afford to go to Benidorm five times this year instead of the usual six. But this has got nothing to do with the recession.This is down to those greedy Spanish b*****ds putting their prices up. Next year we will be going to Turkey.Which is sad really as the fathers of three of my children are Spanish."

Ex milk monitor, unemployable Arthur Artois 49, also had cause for concern but his gripe was with the alliance."Since they came into power I have found it's not easy supporting a bookie,a pizza shop and a 15 pint a day Stella habit on my benefits. Luckily I have cut my cigarettes down to 60 a day,otherwise I would never have been able to afford my Newcastle United season ticket. I just hope I can win the Euro Millions but that's costing me £40 a week now that they've started playing on Tuesday as well as Friday."

Last word goes to Mayor Birdbrain, "As long as we continue to receive our benefits, it's business as usual in Shell Suit City."

dreamdaisy

Are you writing these or finding them somewhere? Whichever, I think they are good! Do you remember when Mr Brown asked for a five word description of the country and some wag came up with Asbo, Bingo, Dipso, Giro and Tesco. (I can only remember them in alphabetical order). DD

frogmorton

Very good Joan thankyou

love

Toni xx

joanlawson

dreamdaisy wrote:

Are you writing these or finding them somewhere? Whichever, I think they are good! Do you remember when Mr Brown asked for a five word description of the country and some wag came up with Asbo, Bingo, Dipso, Giro and Tesco. (I can only remember them in alphabetical order). DD

It's a mixture of finding some and writing some, DD.

The ones that make you groan are mine

tonesp

Sorry Joan married to a Liverpool girl Loads of friends and relations there Find your comment most offensive

valval

joan well done lightens the mood well pinch of salt needed but good one val

joanlawson

tonesp wrote:

Sorry Joan married to a Liverpool girl Loads of friends and relations there Find your comment most offensive

Oh dear, I hope that was meant to be ironic Tone. :eek: I don't think I have mentioned Liverpool anywhere, but wouldn't want to offend anyone from there. It's one of my favourite cities in the world and I love Liverpudlians