Did you hear about the scarecrow?
He got an award for being outstanding in his field.
Did you hear about the man who fell into an upholstery machine?
He's fully recovered.
Did you hear about the baker who got an electric shock?
He stood on a bun and a current ran up his leg.
Did you hear about the two fat men who ran in the London Marathon?
One ran in short bursts, and the other in burst shorts.
Did you hear about the vain actor?
Every time he opened the fridge door and the little light came on, he took a bow.
Did you hear about the man who couldn't stop saying ay, ee, I, oh, you?
.... He'd got irritable vowel syndrome.
Did you hear about the pigeon who wanted to buy a famous London landmark?
He put a deposit on Big Ben.
Did you hear why there's no Christians in Heaven yet?
.... Because they're all still at the gates, saying to each other: "After you", "No, I insist after you..."
Did you hear about the man who bought a plot of land at the North Pole? He thought it would be a great place to grow frozen peas.
Did you hear what has 100 legs and no teeth? The front row at a Cliff Richard concert.
Did you hear about the man who went to a private investigator with a pencil and a thin piece of paper? He said: "I want you to trace someone for me."
Sorry folks, I can hear you all groaning :!: