I don't understand this and it's upsetting me

80squeen · 5. Nov 2011, 17:48

Hi, can I ask a question? I'm going in for op on weds and I have close family members who have made no mention of this, haven't asked how I feel, anything. I don't know why this is but can't cope with asking outright just now.??

hileena111 · 5. Nov 2011, 17:53

Hi
I'm so sorry your family are being like this.......I've got no answer to this and if you cant face asking them why they arent interested....welll not sure what to suggest....just sending you loads of (((((((((((()))))))))))
I'll be thinking of you on Weds
Love
Hileena

liesa · 5. Nov 2011, 18:03

hiya, many of us will be thinking of u... i will do pocket duties and tag along with u so ur not alone xxx

valval · 5. Nov 2011, 18:06

a lot of people do not know how to ask and do not like to incase they upset you they do not realise how much a help it is to share things but you know you have us pocket duties for you will be there with cream scones val

elnafinn · 5. Nov 2011, 18:21

Hi Josie

I too cannot understand that you are going in for a hip arthro on the 9th and your close family have chosen to disregard it and naturally you would be upset about this.Who wouldn't be? I am not quite sure who you mean by close family and if you live at home or any facts but it sure does sound odd unless they are unaware. That is all I can think of and if they have been told, then there is a serious breakdown in communication somewhere along the line.

Whatever reasons there are, we shall be with you and I am sending you now all good wishes for your op and a speedy recovery. Please let us know how you go on.

Elna x

80squeen · 5. Nov 2011, 18:28

Thankyou all very much for your kind wishes. All practical arrangements such as where I'm staying afterwards have been sorted but noone has stopped and said how are you about it all? I may possibly not see them again before weds either. I fear a row would erupt if I asked as I think I'd get quite cross and that isn't somewhere i want to go just now.

elnafinn · 5. Nov 2011, 18:46

Hi Josie

Perhaps they think they may upset you by asking, little knowing that you would like them to enquire. Perhaps they think you are coping admirably and as all arrangements have been made post op, all is hunky dory. You never know you may well be happily surprised post op when they fuss around you. I know my SIL drives me mad asking all the time after ops, how are you? I think to myself sometimes, please give me a break, I have told you are am fine, really fine!! Not a good idea to have any rows now. I am sure post op the family will come up trumps. If not, your forum family are here for you.

Hugs
Elna x

kellerman · 6. Nov 2011, 03:39

Morning Josie,
You never know with families.When I had my ovarian cancer op mine never mentioned it beforehand but were great afterwards.
I put this down to denial.They thought if they didn't speak about it it wasn't happening.

This might be the case,like I said you just don't know,at least they will be there for you when you come home.

Take care and everyone on here is with you.
Love May

frogmorton · 6. Nov 2011, 04:27

Hi 80'sQueen

Some people can't cope with ill-health and worry they nay be asked to 'do something' or help in some way with CARE afterwards.

When my MIL had her hip done her other son who normally visits weekly vanished :shock: I think he was terrified she would ask for a hand to the loo or something

ONce it is done and word filters through to them that you are ok and coping ok, they will probably reappear.

AS others have said we will be here for you in your pocket too to look after you

Love

Toni xx

julie47 · 6. Nov 2011, 05:09

Hi 80s queen

Just want to send you hugs ((((()))) and say that I am ready for pocket duty on wednesday.

I am sure your family are secretly worried for you and don't want to ask questions whiich may upset you.

(just wish my mil would keep her thoughts to herself about my future op.)

Take care
Love Juliepf x

dreamdaisy · 6. Nov 2011, 06:21

I think they are fearful about what to say: it's a very English stiff-upper-lip approach, if we don't talk about it it's not happening. I am sure they are aware, and they do care, but perhaps they don't know how to say so. Play along with them, 80's Queen, there is no point in rocking any boats now, not so close to the date. You know we will be there in spirit, and here for you after. I wish you the very best, I hope all goes well. DD

stickywicket · 6. Nov 2011, 08:09

I think the others have said it all, really, 80's Queen. I also think you're very wise not to make waves just before your op. Perhaps you are doing the arthritic thing of sending out the I-can-handle-this vibes so they believe all is well - especially if they are blokes.

I hope the op is very successful. I suspect afterwards your family will be more willing to talk about things. But, as others have said, you always have us.

barbara12 · 6. Nov 2011, 09:37

Hi
Family's can be so strange, but I always try to think the best of them, like the others have said maybe they dont know how to go about it.
Anyway we are here for you, and will be thinking about you on Wednesday.

diamond · 6. Nov 2011, 09:51

Some family members find it hard to talk about such things.It may be they think they will get you upset talking about the op.Your second family at AC are here to talk anytime.Will be thinking of you as i will also in a hospital bed on wednesday in Sunny Scotland.xxx

cloud9 · 6. Nov 2011, 12:58

Neither of my step daughters, (34 and 35), one of whom is mother to my grandson and lives with us, will acknowledge what I'm going through. It does hurt and I know how you feel. To protect myself, I refuse to talk to them about ANY of my needs. I babysit my grandson and cover for them and I keep the moral high ground. I keep myself sane by reminding myself that THEY will need me one day and maybe I'll choose not to be there for them!

Mat48 · 6. Nov 2011, 13:41

I feel same way about my slow descent into probably RA. One of my sisters never asks me how I am although she's aware I've got all this going on. But she is kind natured hypochondriac herself so maybe just doesn't want to know this stuff about her big sis as it will just worry her? I try to put it down to fear of awful things happening to those we love most and that stops me saying anything.

Last night I spoke to my MIL who is pretty old and has just had a fourth heart attack. She is understandably preoccupied by her problems as she cares for my FIL too. I didn't expect her to remember it was the 2nd anniversary of my mum's sudden death yesterday or ask me about my health and she didn't even though my OH has mentioned it to her.

But at the end of phone chat I was telling her about my taking advantage of being on steroids for another week by having baths daily. She just commented "well dear you're very lucky to be able to entertain the idea of baths. He (FIL) and I haven't been able to have a bath for years - just use the shower that's all" - Well I wasn't expecting sympathy but they are in their mid eighties and I am in my late forties!!?

Not fair though when you are going through a big op soon but i think everyone here has said it - it's all down to fear and denial and stiff upper lip and I just really hope they come up trumps afterwards for you at least.
Mat

cloud9 · 6. Nov 2011, 13:57

We're here for you. XX

80squeen · 6. Nov 2011, 14:55

Thankyou all very much for your extremely kind replies. You are, of course, right - I know they are very worried and Wednesday will seem a lot longer to them than it will for me! :shock: I am going to try and focus on me for the next few days and not other people. Will be in touch soon but will not be at home for the first few days so might be a while. XXXXXX

I don't understand this and it's upsetting me

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