Friendships and RA

BikerAngel

Hi I was just wondering if any of you have had the same thing happen as me. I have been having the mother of all flare ups just now and with all the meds I am on been feeling yuck and dizzy so not driving and since I live in the country no public transport and taxis are too expensive so not been getting out.
I have noticed that apart from 5 friends all the rest have not bothered to get in touch to see how I am or visit even though some of them pass my door. One in particular passes every day and knew how low I was and I was always the one there for her just recently and helped her out lots but yet no txt or call. I asked her for a Reiki treatment as she was owe me one and it would have helped me a great deal but not even had that. It really upsets me as I could never do that to a friend if I knew they needed me and it just makes me feel used.
It is now that I need my friends more than ever and I am glad that I do have the few that have been there for me.

traluvie

Biker angel,

I used to have a lot of people i called friends, some who lived on the same road....
They all know i am not well and even the so called friends on the street do not bother popping in to see me or drop me a call...
I have neighbours i say hello to that have asked me if i need anything just to ask, but these are people who i do not really know but have done more than so called friends..
I have one friend i can trust and who calls me everyday and if she can do anything for me she will..
All the others can **** off, i have always been the kind of person who will do anything for anyone and will always be there for people, but now i focus my energy on those that are importnat, everyone else can kiss my a""s
Hard i know but them people who do not bother do not deserve your time..xx

barbara12

Oh Tracy
I think we may have all posted about this ....I just put myself in there shoes...it can be hard on them...they are not sure what to do...and more often then not feel helpless...and then there are the friends...that show they are not really friends...but just want a good time....not always worth bothering about.
You don't forget we are always here for one another....I do hope you come out of that flare very soon.

CJHunter

traluvie wrote:

Biker angel,

I used to have a lot of people i called friends, some who lived on the same road....
They all know i am not well and even the so called friends on the street do not bother popping in to see me or drop me a call...
I have neighbours i say hello to that have asked me if i need anything just to ask, but these are people who i do not really know but have done more than so called friends..
I have one friend i can trust and who calls me everyday and if she can do anything for me she will..
All the others can **** off, i have always been the kind of person who will do anything for anyone and will always be there for people, but now i focus my energy on those that are importnat, everyone else can kiss my a""s
Hard i know but them people who do not bother do not deserve your time..xx

I think we have nearly all had this happen and you get to a point and say, in the words of Tracey 'everyone else can kiss mya'' ''s'

You have friennds on here remember that hun.xx

traluvie

You know i have more people on here ask me how i am than i do elsewhere..
I used to be really bothered by it,..
Since having arther though i have realised what is importnat in my life and that is my family and my best mate and the people on here..

elnafinn

Hi Tracey

Unfortunately many people are very self centred. I believe the majority of people find out who their real friends are, when things are not going hunky dory.That to me is the great test of friendship. Some friends do what they think is right to do, at the beginning if one of their friends is not well, or had some kind of trauma happen, but after a week or so, they tend to forget and just carry on with their own lives. Some friends leave it a bit because they do not know what to say or do and then think well I cannot get in touch now, it has been so long and feel guilty but still do nothing. There are so many different scenarios.

Mind you in this day and age, there is not much excuse with all the ways that you can contact someone to show you care. But there you go, you cannot change people. They are what they are.

Perhaps some of your friends are not aware you are unwell if there has been no contact. If so, why not contact them and see what happens and then decide if their name should be deleted from your list of friends.

I hope you feel better soon,

Elna x

janie68

Oh gosh, I have exactly the same problem, but with my Mother. She doesnt give a jot about me and it has really,hurt me. You do feel almost broken dont you?

I am trying to accept it and move on, but it is very hard isnt it? People can as Elna says be very self centred, my Mother is that to a tee.

The dilemma for me is whether to accept her behaviour and try to change my feelings towards her or to change my relationship with her, I think this is something you may have to think about. It is heartbreaking and I really feel for you

Janie

elnafinn

Hi Janie

What is it with some mums? I notice it much more now than when I was younger but perhaps it has always been the same, but I have more "complaints" now. I love my mum dearly and she has had one hell of a lot of health issues in latter years and gets on with it. I know she loves me but she is so unlike my mum in law who is extremely family orientated and at 93 is very attentive to any of us who are not well. My mum initially will show concern if I am to have an op but then that is that really. No follow up, zilch! Never ceases to amaze me. I am so blessed to have two mums, one so far for 60 years and the other for 35 years.

Elna x

nanasue

Hi Tracy

Yes I'm afraid you do find out who your real friends are, but in a way I think that's a good thing, then you know for sure who is a true friend and someone you can count on. It is horrible to realise that people don't care when you've always been there for them, it seems to me the ones who aren't that caring always have people running round after them.
As for Mums, well mine has been gone for 18years, but I'm sorry to say I know what she would have been like and to that end I'm glad I don't have to deal with that.
It's not a very nice feeling but it's all part of the arthur process, but as you say your forum friends, although only in cyberspace, are there for you and will always care.

Sue x

janie68

My Dad even has said that she has not one maternal bone in her body, he is dead now, but I realise now how much parenting he did do, my Mother did not

Janie

julie47

Hi Bikerangel

I also have had this happen to me and have read so many times that it has happened to others.
I have 3 really good friends who have stuck by me for the 23 years I have had RA, they all call to see me on a regular basis.

The others just fizzled away.

juliepf x

BikerAngel

Thanks guys, I am lucky with my parents as they come through and help me with my housework even though my mum has not been keeping too well her attitude is she is fitter than me at the moment and is going to help! lol Bless them I would be lost without my parents.
On the other hand I had my inlaws stay with me for near a year and during one of my bad flares I still did all the cooking and cleaning myself :x they live right next door now and my parents travel 32mile round trip to help me.

barbara12

Hi Tracy
I have been asked by our Cris (Skezier) who cant type at the min, to add her support and she send you lots of hugs...she read your other thread, and thinks its a good idea to go and see your GP, and I agree with her, a lot of people on here get really down,so do know some of what you are going through, you go and have a chat...and dont forget we are always here.xx

jillyb1

Just to add to all the other comments and remarks ; try not to be upset by people's behaviour ( easily said I know ! ) ; some just can't or don't know how to react with illness while others can surprise by showing unexpected kindness and caring . We've lost touch with many friends over the years who quite simply can't cope with my wheelchair , if hubby and I are ok with it , why on earth is it difficult for them to accept ? Luckily , although you lose touch with some , you find you get closer to others ~ swings and roundabouts ! Jillyb

elnafinn

It is not only illness that others cannot cope with or do not know what to say or do. It is such a shame. The more I hear about this kind of thing the more I look out for my friends and others that may need a helping hand. It does not take much to send a text, pick up the phone, send a card and that can mean to much to someone.

Elna x

traluvie

I have my mom and dad around but they are not very nice people..
I wrote to my mom on facebook recently to ask her about family history, ..she wrote me a message back and had the cheek to sign it mom.. I can see my mom up town and she walks straight past me and not even asks how i am, ... i could never be like that..
My family are my children and partner, i have an uncle and a cousin i keep in touch with , they live bournemouth way... sometimes i can feel very much alone and read how others have there parents in there life to support them, i sometimes wish my mom was in my life to help me and to be a grandma to my children... Because of me not having many close people around me has made me quite hard and can handle rejection quite well from so called friends..Thats why i have learnt not to let it bother me if people do not bother anymore..I'm the kind of person who would break a fight up in the street or step in if someone was being abusive to someone, i would do anything to help anyone, and if you can not be bothered with me then you have lost out on a good friend...
As elna said it doesn't hurt to drop someone a text.email, phonecall or message on facebook... Kindness doesn't cost anything..xx

BikerAngel

yep I agree it is usually me who is sending txt, fb message etc and then never get anything back unless I am the one chasing all the time so I have decided to concentrate on the good friends I have who do bother with me and care about me and **** the rest of them as they will need me before I need them and at that point I just won't be there for them anymore as I want a 2 sided friendship not a selfish one sided one

janie68

Tracy

You are an inspiration, to have parents like that beggars belief. People would use your sad story as an excuse to behave badly but you have such dignity and rise above it. good on you, youre brilliant!

My Mother treats my sister so differently, she has her kids over to stay regularly, and does everything for them, my daughter asks her when can I sleepover Nanny, she gets nothing back, nothing at all. i cant let her treat my daughter like that anymore.

Its so sad these stories of family and friends treating us this way, we have arthritis treating us badly then a double whammy with them as well.

Janie

traluvie

BikerAngel wrote:

yep I agree it is usually me who is sending txt, fb message etc and then never get anything back unless I am the one chasing all the time so I have decided to concentrate on the good friends I have who do bother with me and care about me and **** the rest of them as they will need me before I need them and at that point I just won't be there for them anymore as I want a 2 sided friendship not a selfish one sided one

That is the best attitude to have..Focus the energy on those who are important..xx

traluvie

janie68 wrote:

Tracy

You are an inspiration, to have parents like that beggars belief. People would use your sad story as an excuse to behave badly but you have such dignity and rise above it. good on you, youre brilliant!

My Mother treats my sister so differently, she has her kids over to stay regularly, and does everything for them, my daughter asks her when can I sleepover Nanny, she gets nothing back, nothing at all. i cant let her treat my daughter like that anymore.

Its so sad these stories of family and friends treating us this way, we have arthritis treating us badly then a double whammy with them as well.

Janie

Good on you Janie for standing your ground, the adults should be the bigger person in situations like this and not take it out on the children..
A lot of people think about themselves, but the world would be a lot better if we had an extra thought for others more often..

theresa4

Every a few years I clean out my closet of friends to weed out the ones who take too much and give too little. Don't get me wrong I have several friends who have their own illness and issues to deal with and have nothing left to give of themselves. I understand that and still offer as much support when I'm able. I have a few really good friends who I can count on but they work full time so can only do so much. I used to run around after one of my now cleared friends taxi her here there everywhere and listen to her woes. Then I got ill. I was seriously ill and my recuperation took months. She never picked up the phone let alone visit and ask if I needed anything. Bye bye. !!
Be tough clean out your closet, I was once advised by a teacher you only ever need a handful of friends, people can come and go but those few will remain. Feel blessed by them.
Sending you some hugs (((())))
Theresa

elnafinn

You are right, Theresa, you do only need a handful of friends. Included in my handful of friends are one that I have known since the age of 7 years old, two from school, and two from my early working life. We have stuck together through thick and thin, we may be living a distance from each other but I know they are there for me and vice versa and it is very comforting. Then there are a some family members too.

Elna x