Chav's Christmas

joanlawson

The nativity according to chavs

There's this bird called Mary, yeah? She's a virgin (wossat then?)

She's not married or nuffink, but she's got this boyfriend, Joe, innit? He does joinery an' that. Mary lives with him in a crib dahn Nazaref.

One day Mary meets this bloke Gabriel. She's like `Oo you lookin at?'

Gabriel just goes 'You got one up the duff, you have.'

Mary's totally gobsmacked.

She gives it to him large 'Stop dissin' me yeah? I ain't no Kappa-slapper. I never bin wiv no one!'

So Mary goes and sees her cousin Liz, who's six months gone herself. Liz is largin' it. She's filled with spirits, Barcardi Breezers an' that.

She's like 'Orright, Mary, I can feel me bay-bee in me tummy and I reckon I'm well blessed. Think of all the extra benefits an' that we is gonna get. 'Mary goes 'Yeah, s'pose you're right'

Mary an' Joe ain't got no money so they have to ponse a donkey, an' go dahn Bethlehem on that.

They get to this pub an' Mary wants to stop, yeah? To have her bay-bee an' that.

But there ain't no room at the inn, innit? So Mary an' Joe break an' enter into this garridge, only it's filled wiv animals. Cahs an' sheep an' that.

Then these three geezers turn up, looking proper bling, wiv crowns on their heads. They're like `Respect, bay-bee Jesus', an' say they're wise men from the East End.

Joe goes: 'If you're so wise, wotchoo doin' wiv this Frankenstein an' myrrh? Why dincha just bring gold, Adidas and Burberry?'

It's all about to kick off when Gabriel turns up again an' sez he's got another message from this Lord geezer. He's like 'The police is comin an' they is killin' all the bay-bees. You better nash off to Egypt.' Joe goes 'You must be monged if you think I'm goin' dahn Egypt on a minging donkey'

Gabriel sez 'Suit yerself, pal. But it's your look out if you stay'.

So they go dahn Egypt till they've stopped killin the first-born an' it's safe an' that.

Then Joe and Mary and Jesus go back to Nazaref, an' Jesus turns water into Stella.

dreamdaisy

Dat is like well cool an stuff innit?

traluvie

lmao... another morning chuckle.. thanks..

prefabkid47

Joan.................sounds too good,are you sure your'e not leading a double life and that,know wot i mean yeah?(didn't I see you on the Jeremy Kyle show?)

prefabkid47

Mary must 'ave well pleased what wiv the extra child benefits an' that,especially at christmas!!............... :???: :???:

julie47

Thanks for the laugh del an joan

although at first the std did confuse me, thought it was a brand of ipod

till i thought hard about the initials.....lead a sheltered life

valval

what are you two on i want some val

valval

this just came up on fb lol

independentwoman

I saw this on FB, and I've commented there too. On the surface of it, this is just a bit of festive fun - but there's a darker side to all these Chav jokes - http://www.guardian.co.uk/commentisfree/2011/may/31/chav-vile-word-fractured-britain This ought to concern Arthritis Care as an organisation that fights for those on disability benefits.

elnafinn

Hi Independentwoman

Good to see you on the forum again. I presume that by now you will have started back at work three days a week after being unwell with arthritis for a fair number of months. I hope all is going well there for you.

Elna x

elnafinn

Actually it sounds as if you do have a tremenduous amount of time on your hands, Rehab. Orright?

Elna x

mellman01

rehab44 wrote:

delboy wrote:

12 gold hoops
11 fake Uggs
10 Mayfair
9pm curfews
8 snotty nose's
7 different dads
6 grams of sniff
5 sovereign rings
4 stolen rims
3 different asbo's
2 many beers and a brand new STD!

Did you know our Del that there are 556,000 entries on google for Chav poems and I really don't have time to look for yous coz I am making a giant spliff with my copy of the Guardian orright?

Posh or what?!, I use the big issue for mine, I get a copy from the Romanian woman who's always sat outside of Wallingford Waitrose, I also get me gear from here as well it's really good stuff and cheap!, if your really in need of a hand gun she sells those two, oh how I love the multicultural UK!,

joanlawson

prefabkid47 wrote:

Joan.................sounds too good,are you sure your'e not leading a double life and that,know wot i mean yeah?(didn't I see you on the Jeremy Kyle show?)

i dnt c wots rong wiv be in a chav i got loads of mint m8s they luk after me i luv thm all n they av neva sed nethin bad 2 me eva!! n btw im not thik n not anti-socil as evry1 steriotypes us.

Joan- chav n proud!x

tkachev

Thanks I.W. I found the article interesting but then I am interested in Social history.

Elizabeth

cebeem

I agree with Elizabeth a very good article.

tkachev

Yep thankyou Rehab, read your link as well and all the following comments for and against Polly and her article.
Always good to read both sides.
Elizabeth

joanlawson

rehab44 wrote:

wimmen should know their place!

You mean on a pedestal, where we can look down and allow men to worship us, of course

Just remember that Ginger Rogers did everything Fred Astaire did only backwards and in high heels. Says it all really

valval

joanlawson wrote:

rehab44 wrote:

wimmen should know their place!

You mean on a pedestal, where we can look down and allow men to worship us, of course

Just remember that Ginger Rogers did everything Fred Astaire did only backwards and in high heels. Says it all really

you got him there joan

joanlawson

valval wrote:

you got him there joan

That'll be the day, Val

joanlawson

What do you mean, two of your favourite wimmin :?: :?:

We thought we were the only ones :!:

We forgive ya anyway xx

bubbles

brilliant - much applause. sadly, much truth. :shock:

stickywicket

I thought that was walls. Or is it walls for the young & snow for the less than young?

fayrose

Hmph ... wish you hadn't mentioned the fake Uggs. Yep, right, guess who got caught by a fake Uggs website? :oops:

tkachev

Did you get caught Fay. I was reading about the fake websites and there are plenty of ugg ones, plus some use real animal fur. Did you get your money back?

Elizabeth

fayrose

tkachev wrote:

...Did you get your money back?

Elizabeth

Yes, luckily I paid Paypal and give them their due, they sorted it for me, but boy didn't I feel like a right jessy. :oops: :roll:

tkachev

No loads of people have been conned. These websites look authentic. Very glad you got your money back.

Elizabeth