I'm not superwoman

Starburst

I'm not superwoman. I can't do it all, as much as I'd like to.

I started university in September, determined to work hard and improve my social life. Over the past couple of months, I've worked hard, played hard and studied hard. I've pushed myself to my physical limit more than once and not rested enough. I've tried to be the normal, happy, busy 23 year old that I want to be but I can't and it is so disappointing. By most (completely healthy) people's standards, I am not exceptionally busy but clearly it's too much for me. I thought I could handle it but I can't.

Emotionally, I'm not coping with my body telling me it's unhappy. Everytime it hurts or stiffens or swells to the point I am incapacitated, I get intensely frustrated. I try to talk about it with the people I love but it comes out as "everything just hurts!" and I cannot seem to express anything beyond anger at the situation. Then, I start feeling guilty because it could be worse and start feeling bad for the way I feel because other people have bigger fish to fry and seem to deal with it. Why can't I deal with this right now? It's not like this is new issue. I've had RA for over 2 years. Perhaps it is the realisation that this is how I will be living my life permanently. This isn't some temporary problem that I will magically get better from if I take my pills, do my physio exercises and inject my medication. I just have to learn to live like this and I'm scared of what the future holds. I feel incredibly sad and useless when I have to ask people for help. I'm just not very good at it. I even find it hard to ask my mum to do things for me and we are close!

Sorry everyone, I know I've not been very active around here. I really needed to vent to people who understands the ups and downs of life with arthritis. The fact of the matter is, my life in general is going in a great direction, it's just the arthritis that's holding me back.

I hate being so negative so I'm going to end this on a positive. I have just come back from purchasing a very lovely bed that didn't break the bank. It's coming next Thursday and I'm very much looking forward to a comfortable night's sleep. My back has been aching and I'm sure my bed which is 13 years old is part of the problem.

Anyway, thank you for reading this if you've got to the end!
Take good care everyone.
Sophie xx

barbara12

Hi Sophie
Dont apologise my love, you have so much to contend with and so young, we dont mind one bit that you want to vent your emotions, it really will help talking to people that know some of what you are going through.
You will go though phases were you think like you are now, but you will bounce back, and with your determination you will get there.
I really do wish you well with everything, and dont forget we are always here to listen.

nunivos

I agree with every word starburst, i feel exactly the same despite being a few years older. Having a stubborn, independant attitude is very hard for me to be able to ask for help, especially from my nearly 10 yr old son.
We all have to learn to adapt to this condition, and learning when to ask for help is one of the crosses we must bear.

dreamdaisy

Starburst, don't be daft. We will always be here to listen and I for one take my hat off to you for being so determined to make the arthritis work around what you want to do and not the other way around but . . . . . . well hon, it just ain't that easy. I find it rough enough dealing with the increasing restrictions this disease is imposing on me and I am agéd hag of 52, not a lovely young thing like you. That must make it all so much tougher. Could this just be end-of-term tiredness maybe? I remember feeling utterly drained at the ends of term when I was in full-time teaching, now I can feel equally drained on just getting out of bed.

This damnéd stuff does impose upon on us in so many ways and we have to be devious in how we trick it into thinking it doesn't. Learning those skills takes time and just two years of RA is not that long a time to have mastered them. Ensure you rest as much as you can over the holiday, your flattened batteries need some decent re-charging time and I hope you will be able to do just that. Good luck with the new bed, I hope that makes a real difference to the quality of sleep! DD

hileena111

Hi Sophie
Dont be silly.....we are here to listen to vents etc.....we've all been there at some time or other. It must be so much harder for you....being so young.....Its hard when you are older so I can only guess what it must be like for you. I think its fantastic the way you think you are not going to be beaten. At the same time you have to listen to your body and adapt a bit. You'll get there. Keep going and keep talking to us
Love
Hileena

frogmorton

Dear Sophie

Please don't fell bad about venting on here or that you aren't the most regular of posters.

To be honest it is a good thing usually when someone goes awol - they are getting on ok so l never feel anything other than pleased.

l should say that what you are feeling about having arthritis is perfectly reasonable and likely to be you trucking down the road to acceptance. Denial and anger are such appropriate emotions aren't they really?

Do you know anyone in 'real life' with it? Especially a young someone??? Have you thought about seeing if A/C have a nearby group - worth popping in to see who is there???

Personally l have to say l think you are doing really well. university was hard enough for me without arthritis at the time :shock:

Love

Toni xx

bubbadog

Hi Sophie, Don't feel bad about writing what you did, you could put my name to that thread except change the college part and change your young age to my getting old 38yrs old and of course change the name!
You have no reason to feel unsure about writing that thread, alot of us are in the same position unsure who to turn to for support and wish our loved ones would understand how we feel emotionally and pain wise. If you ever want to talk to someone you can always PM (private message) me and I will be a shoulder or I will answer any questions you may have. x:-)

suzygirl

Sophie, I totally get your frustration and I am 39. It must be far far worse to be younger. It has taken me 5 years to adjust and pace myself sensibly, as I am very stubborn. :oops: Give yourself a break, you are doing well to manage uni and I hope the new bed helps you.

Have you spoken to the rheumy about how hard you are finding things? Just a couple of weeks till you break up and then you can rest and really enjoy the new bed!!!

CJHunter

Sophie, rant as much as you need. As you have probably read, many if not most, of us have a stubborn streak and we have to learn to balance our lives.
I'm 38, and have been trying to do this for 12years. Finally with encouragement from my partner and guys on here i have started to. So listen to your body and rant as much as you need.

Take care.xx x8-)

Starburst

Thank you so much for the replies and helpful words. I'm really glad I posted this. On the outside, I try to appear as though I am in control of it all when sometimes I wish I could admit that I find it very hard at times. Obviously I'm not glad others struggle so but it's good to feel like I'm not the only one who struggles and often feels alone.

DD, you know I think I might be suffering from end of term fatigue. This has been a hard change for me anyway, so perhaps I have been a bit too tough on myself. I finish on Thursday until 12th January so I have a long break, albeit with a lot of studying to do!

Today was a day just for me. I slept till 11 am, got up, lounged around in my pjs, had an afternoon nap and a long relaxing bubble bath. I'm finally dressed and ready to go out for dinner and to the cinema with a friend. I haven't even looked at a university book. No studying today. Just time to relax and take care of my tired, sore body. I don't feel guilty because I needed this

I've told myself, it's ok to feel down but I must not dwell on it and let it drag me back into depression.

Thanks again, everyone. I hope you all have a lovely evening, whether it be out or in front of the TV.

Sophie xx