I feel terrible and so Guilty

kellerman

Hi Everyone,
I went for my blood results today and I have Ankylosing Spondylitis although everything else came back negative.
My GP said my daughter will have got this from me.
So not only have I given all my 3 daughters the Brac2 cancer gene I have given my middle daughter this AS.
I feel so guilty....I know deep down it can't be helped but It's made me so low and upset.
I'm asking myself why.
I've been told to do plenty of back excersise otherwise I will just cease up. Not that easy with the fractured vertabrae and OA in knees/ankles/and that painful Plantar fasciitis in my feet.
Sorry for this depressing post. Hope you are all feeling as well as you can be. Keep warm. May

skezier

Oh May I am so sorry and leaving you a ((((( ))))), firstly.

I know that the geans are there but its not you that have given them this one May and you can't think that way at all. Its the lap of the fates how the geans attach them selves and only if they land in a certain way are they going to develop.

Somewhere you know that and flower you are not responsible otherwise only folk with the geans would get these things and a lot are the only members of their families to do so.

I know its got to be really bad cus a mate of mine has so much guilt that eats her over something else that is a 50/50 but you honestly can not think this way.

I wish there was something I could say but all I can promise you is I have a few congenital/genetic problems and not once have I blamed my parents.... and I honestly didn't like them but still didn't blame them for the multiple conditions.

Its so horrible for you just now but its not your fault and you can't think that way my friend.

Wish there was more I could say May. Another ((((( ))))). Cris xx

dreamdaisy

You don't have the energy or strength for guilt and/or anger and neither will change anything, so indulge it for today then try to stop. You must have had the genes from somewhere too, in your family history and probably from both sides, so it's not your fault, it's the fault of life itself. These rubbish things run in families as women usually like to have children and this is the risk everyone runs. There are one or two on here whose arthritis was triggered by pregnancy - it seems horrid that something which should be so lovely triggers something so ghastly, but it happens.

My Ma told me over Christmas that she feels very guilty and ashamed becuase of the state I am in and the life I have had and I told her to stop: she got what she wanted, a child, so there's an end to it. My parents both dodged the bullets they gave to me, how very fortunate for them.

It is as it is, May, and luckily we live in days of earlier diagnosis and better drug treatments so it's not all bad. ((())) and a dollop of love. DD

Colin1

oh May i dont know what to say
i feel so sorry for you, take it easy and i hope your feeling better soon.
whats done is done its not your fault.
Colin

barbara12

Oh May my love
You are such a good mum, and that is why you are feeling guilty, but I am sure they dont blame you, here are some hugs (((((()))) now you look after each other xxx

valval

hi my mum feels guilty because she suffers from psoriosis but i do not blame her it is one of those things. you will feel guilty i know i have 2 lads and you always feel bad when something happens to them even if you are not in the same country when it happens be nice to your self val

CJHunter

May, I would like to give you a big ((((x)))) too.

You have no need to feel guilty, as others have said genes are genes and we cannot help what we get or pass on. It is no ones fault, its just how things are.

You have done nothing to cause this and I am sure your children do not blame you either so enough of the guilt.
You need to give each other a big (((x))) ,embrase your lives together and never forget how much you all love each other. Guilt is a wasted emotion, so you use that energy on making you and your family happy.

Love n hugs and a big dollop of the positive vibe.xx

lindalegs

Dear May, you didn't give her the faulty genes deliberately did you. You didn't turn round in a fit of anger and dish them out. It happened unbeknowing to you.

It's just life.

What would have been the alternative if you'd have known about your genes, the choice not to have had your children and that doesn't bear thinking about does it? I know I'm a mum with the same manky genes.

Try not to be down, easily said, I'm aware, but you've had to deal with so much rubbish these past few months don't beat yourself up. Your daughter wouldn't want you to.

Take care.

Luv,

hileena111

Hi May
I did say to you yesterday........you cant feel guilty...its not your fault...I have 2 children myself and know what you must feel like but if you are guilty and angry ....all these emotions will make your own arthur worse.
You got the genes from someone......do you blame them for it??? I doubt it.
Part of me is answering this because i can imagine how you feel the other part of me is answering because I know that you'll only make yourself worse.....emotions do make arthur worse.
Is your computer up and running or did this come in before it went KAPUT??????
I'll hear you when you get back online
Love and ((((())))))
Hileena

hileena111

Just to say....May is back online.......some sort of gremlin in the computer ???
Shes gone for a physio appt now but I'm sure she will be on later

Love
Hileena

Poppyg1rl

Hi May,
I can only echo all the wonderful advice and support you've had by the lovely people here, I understand how you must feel May, I'm a Mum of 3 teenage sons and dread the thought that they might suffer with this disease through me. On the other hand, if anything should happen I know that we will all pull together as a family to support and comfort each other.
It really isn't your fault May, life is unpredictable, I myself have absolutely NO ONE in my family with Psoriatic Arthritis, and yet I have it.
You are a wonderful Mum and your daughter knows that, all you can do is comfort and support each other as you are doing, together you will get through it.
Love and gentle hugs my friend. ((())) Xxx

frogmorton

Hi May

l am so sorry abou eh new diagnosis and the guilt you are feeling about your daughter.

l wish l could take that feeling away for you because it isn't a useful feeling to have and just makes you feel worse :sad:

I dont blame my parents for this at all......and l bet the vast maohority of us on here don't either.

A big pile of 's for you

love

Toni xxx

kellerman

Oh you lovely lovely people.
I think I was so shocked yesterday....the doc saying where did I think my daughter got it from didn't help.

It seems like I've given my girls all my rubbish genes....surely I must have some good ones I can give them.I'll have to find them.
I'm much calmer today and do realise there is nothing I can do about this.
My mum didn't have this although she must have had the brac2 gene otherwise my sister wouldn't of got the breast cancer.
My gran had RA.and no I don't blame either of them.
Wouldn't it be great if these genes could be removed somehow.

Now I'm shattered....pretty normal after physio.
I'm pleased Hileena let you all know about my computer playing up as I would never ignore you all.
You are such wonderful people who always makes me see things from a sensible angle.
I know that I would still be feeling negative if it wasn't for you.
Many many thanks to all of you. May

skezier

Hi May,

so glad you have come in, kinda worried for you.

Yep its a sledge hammer thing and the doc was out of order to say where did you think your daughter got it from! Very rough handling that!

You said about what you have given your kids.... May your love and your care and as I had neither as a child I honestly know how important those two things are.

The good ones,..... understanding, care, love, support you want me to keep going? May those things are s important and your good import is so much bigger than the rubbish bit.

I promise you if someone like me who basically disliked the parents quite a lot has never blamed them.... I might have mellowed but as a rebellious teenager I still never blamed them so your kids wont you.

Its horrible for you just now but May it will get easier and at least now you know and can get some real help.More ((((( ))))) and tea, Cris xx

kellerman

Oh Cris....If it hadn't been for you I would never had had these blood tests.
I did indeed need to know what was going on.....and for this I want to thank you.
I'm so sorry your relationship with your parents was a negative one.
Deep down I know my family don't blame me...it was just the thought that if I didn't have these rubbish genes my family would not have them.

We fortunately are a very close large family....my only hope now is that the others don't get this.I've given them enough rubbish.

I hope you are not too bad today.I've just been for my physio and I'm trying to recover.Don't know how I drove home.
Now feet up and a decent cuppa made by OH.
Take care.....May

traluvie

Hugs and positive vibes sent your way (((((X)))))

madwestie

May we are what we are we can't change the past and the gene's are jsut one of the things that life throws at us. I am sure that your daughter have been brought up as loved and cared for individuals and they will deal with wwhatever life deams to throw at them in the same way you have had to.
I have had Asthma since i was 16 and now it has developed into COPD as well all (as it was nto controlled well enough)aparently from my dad's smoking but i have never blamed him for it or the doctors for not controlling it better, 40+ years ago no-one knew the effect of smoking and no-one knew that gene's could be the reasons for disease's going through generations adn sometimes skipping generations I have Ra but non of my family have it but nmy sister has inherited the OA from my mum it is just a big lottery and we can't aportion blame or guilt as it is just a thing of life.
If we didn't have Ra we would have never found this forum and the lovely people that we now know so for every bad there is a good.

You daughter has you to help her through the troubles that the condition may (nothing is set in stone) give her that is worth a lot in itself to have someone who loves you and can fully understand the position you are in there are not many of us that can say that. my mum died 19 years ago from the same cancer that her father had so i have a greater chance of getting it but i think we just have to focus on the now and get the most out of our lives and relationships as no-one knows what is round the corner for any of us.
I hope you are feeling better soon and please try not to be to hard on yourself i am sure you daughters wouldn't want that, they just love their mum whatever.( i know i did)

Tracey

frogmorton

Nice to see you madwestie!!

Excellent reply too.

LOve

Toni xxx

kellerman

madwestie....I too agree with Toni for your excellent post.
I can trace the cancer back to the early 1900 when my greatgrandmother died relatively young with breast cancer. My grandad died with stomach cancer in 1962 and my mother got ovarian cancer 14 years ago.....then I got it first time 8 years ago....second time 2 years ago.
This was when they decided to do a blood test on me and it came back with the breast cancer gene....so 80%chance of getting it.
My daughters decided to be tested for the gene and my 2 sisters.All my girls have the gene but only one sister....she did get breast cancer and has had one breast removed.
As for the AS I really have no idea.My Gran had RA....I don't know if this could be connected in some way.
Life at the moment just seems to be throwing too much in my direction.
My sister is still recovering from her op.
Sorry....seem to have given you a history of my family here.
I hope you are having a good a day as possible. May

L1985

HI hun

Just wanted to say that both my parents have auto-immune disorders. I was diagnosed with graves disease and still trying to diagnose my arthritis but I have been told its some auto-immune thing. My brother has just recently been diagnosed with Crohns and neither of us blame our parents. My mum feels guilty and I tell her dont as its never entered my head to 'blame' her or my dad im sure your daughters think the same so I hope you get some comfort from that.

I understand where you are coming from as I worry about my children. We wouldnt be normal if we didnt worry about our kids. When my son was born he had thyroid problems but it was due to my levels effecting his so he is ok now but waiting to know if he was going to be ok was horrible.

On another note I have another brother and he has nothing wrong with him so just shows how random these things can be as we all have the same parents. Please dont blame yourself. xxx

stickywicket

I just want to endorse all the others have said, May. As a mother, I can see, and feel, exactly where you're coming from but you didn't pass these genes on willingly or even knowingly so don't go beating yourself up about them.

You have, I'm sure, also passed on to your daughters your kindness, generosity of spirit and inner strength. They are lucky to have you as their Mum.