Hello Everyone

YorkshireLad

Hi to everyone,

The reason I have come to this form was due to my fathers ill health, he is 59 years old and has worked in the mill industry for 20 years.

He has been suffering arthritis for the past 10 years in his hands, back and ankles, most recently he has had a bowel operation due to a cyst, since hes had that operation he has been having accidents meaning" he does not realize, its embarrassing for him and us, my mother does try to help but finds it very difficult on her own. He also uses a hearing aid, as he can not hear so we have to talk loud (not nice).

Could someone please tell me what I can do to help or is there any organisation that could help him out. He has refused to claim that he is disabled or has a disability, what shall I do please advice me.

lindalegs

Hi Yorkshire Lad and welcome to posting

What a problem for your dad and it's not easy if he doesn't consider he's disabled and consequently needs help. There will be some arthritis groups in your area but is the sort of thing you mean?

Do you know what is causing his bowel accidents and could his GP or surgery nurse give advise? I had a similar problem recently and this was controlled with the drug Loperamide and Codeine Phosphate, maybe his doc could help.

Not a satisfactory answer to your questions, I know, but hopefully others will make some better suggestions.

Luv,

dreamdaisy

Oh dear, I am so sorry to hear about your dad and what is going on, this is very tough for you, your mum and everyone involved. I think you need to talk to your dad's GP about this, the trouble with that is that in this day and age (where patient consent is so vital) you may not be able to do such a sensible thing. :roll: Exasperating, no?

Could your mum talk to her GP? The chances are they share the same doc and he may be able to suggest the appropriate actions that could be taken. I suspect your dad is in a state of denial: I expect he is a proud man, used to an independant life but now finds himself in such a 'shameful' situation he cannot face it. The social disaster of not being able to control the basic functions is not easy to accept or deal with. My Pa died from bowel cancer because he was too shy (or ashamed) to tell anyone about his long, long battle with chronic constipation.

I also feel a deal of sympathy for your mum, this must be so difficult for her. I honestly don't know what to suggest but I think the GP is the starting point. I wish you all well. DD

elnafinn

Hi YorkshireLad

I am sorry to hear about your dad. I can well understand why you are worried and embarrassed for him.

The only thing that I can suggest is that you or your mum make an appointment to see his gp, that is if he will not go with you and explain what is happening. I know the gp will only listen as you are talking to him about your dad but he may decide to contact your dad and ask him to call in the surgery to see him as he would like to catch up with how he is getting on.

I was very worried about my mum, mentally, some good time ago and wrote to her gp (I do not live nearby) and told him what was going on. He called her and said it was a courtesy call and would she pop in to see him. She did go and help went on from there. Her gp mentioned that I had written a nice letter to him as I was worried about her but did not show her the contents of the letter. My mum told him that I worried too much about her!! :roll: To cut a long story short, she is fine now but it was a way of getting help for her and us as we could see things were going from bad to worse.

Others may call in with other ideas, but for now, that is mine.

You and your mum have my sympathies.

Elna x

YorkshireLad

Thank you so much everyone who has replied so fast, I really appreciate your kind words and advice.

Yes he has always been a work man and proud of bring breed and butter home, as I don't live away due to work, I don't get to spend much time at home and recently he received a letter from Job center asking him to come in, so my father never told my mother and went down alone to the Job centre , were he ended up having this bowl accident, and he called me on my mobile all he was saying was "I'm at the Job Centre will you come and pick me up ive has the same problem" (This point i'm thinking what the hell is my father doing at the Job Centre) so I am saying wait there I will come don't leave the Job Centre, and he's response was I think I can start work soon? (he cant hear what I am saying) I was 40miles away so I contacted my wife so she went down, to pick my father up, she could not find him, he was sat on a wall behind the Job Centre he said he could not walk, my wife got him into the car, and his pants were not a good view, (you can imagine what I mean).

My wife contacted the Dr and he (Dr) said" oh he can walk to the Dr surgery so he's not that bad, for me to say hes disabled, (Now this is very upsetting for myself to hear that his own Dr is not supporting him when in fact I believe he is disabled and needs to come to terms with his disability.

I need to be pointed in right direction
1) I need to make my father come to terms with his disability, I will talk to him, he even needs help having a bath, he can not cook at all his hands shake and can't lift objects (mother cooks him his meals)

He is not calming any disability or support, how can I help him get this support?

elnafinn

I am beginning to think that your dad's gp is not in the know with the whole picture of what is going on and he does need to be put right. If this is the case and he is still not sympathetic although I cannot believe that he would not be, then it is a case of finding another gp and writing to the Practice Manager explaining that you are not getting the help you need for your dad from his GP.

You, your wife and mum cannot cope with this is your own.

Elna x

valval

your dad is at the stage we all go through you go in docs and they say how are you and you say ok thanks what you meen is i hurt like hell and want to sleep all the time as always exhausted he need to start telling doc the truth but he needs to admit it to him self first it not fair on your mum she coping with it all bless her but it is not easy to come to terms with it and he will be scared stiff of the future we all were but with help he will get there just remember he a proud man good luck we are here to help val

petals

Can you arrange for a home visit by the GP so that your mum will be present during the visit. If the incontinence is a result of the bowel opperation then clearly your father needs a follow up appointment with the consultant as further treatment may be required. This needs to be discussed with the GP.

If your Dad is reluctant to act on his problems then maybe you need to point out that he needs to consider your mums well being also. It is a lot to ask of a partner to cope with such 'mishaps' on a regular basis. Clearly this will impact on both their quality of life as it will curtail any future plans for travel, holidays etc.

Deal with each problem in turn, is he getting adequate treatment for his arthritis, does he have necessary aids to make life easier in the home, ie grab handles, walking frame, etc.

Also if he can't hear you then is his hearing aid working correctly, does it need new batteries, maybe he needs a new model.

59 yrs of age is far too young to be 'writtern off' I hope that at least some if not all of his problems can be addressed with the help of your GP.

I would also suspect that your Dad has not told the GP just how difficult life is becoming and so hence the GP's reluctance to support disability benefits in the first instance.

Good luck, you Dad is lucky to have such a caring son.

Petals x

elnafinn

It sounds like your dad may well need to be using incontinence pads/products and what is available on the NHS varies throughout the country. If no one has told your dad's gp about his problem, post op, he will be unaware.

Each primary care trust (PCT) has its own contract to supply incontinence products and its own eligibility criteria. To find out if you can get your incontinence pads, products and appliances for free, ask your local district nurse (get details at your GP surgery) for an assessment. They can advise you on whether you're eligible. If you are, they can arrange for a regular supply of pads to be delivered to you, if your local service provides home delivery.

Elnax

frogmorton

Hi Yorkshirelad

l just popped in o wlecome you o our forums.

I have to agree with the others that your Dad needs far more help and you will get there in time and with some support and perseverance from you.

GP for health help and yes l agree surely the issue around incontinence linking with the op is a concern.

Hearing should be fixable to an extent too :???:

and finally CAB for benefit help.

I suspect he is a proud and private man so this will not be easy.

Love

Toni xx

tkachev

You can get free pads delivered to your home. You can be referred by a GP or social services at your local council. I expect your father will not like to acknowledge that he needs them though and they also take up a lot of space in the home but could help him feel more secure.

Elizabeth

tkachev

elnafinn wrote:

It sounds like your dad may well need to be using incontinence pads/products and what is available on the NHS varies throughout the country. If no one has told your dad's gp about his problem, post op, he will be unaware.

Each primary care trust (PCT) has its own contract to supply incontinence products and its own eligibility criteria. To find out if you can get your incontinence pads, products and appliances for free, ask your local district nurse (get details at your GP surgery) for an assessment. They can advise you on whether you're eligible. If you are, they can arrange for a regular supply of pads to be delivered to you, if your local service provides home delivery.

Elnax

Just seen your post Elna. I was having trouble on how to word it.

Elizabeth

hileena111

Hi
Welcome to the forum.
I'm sorry to hear about your dad.......he is a proud man....We all are in denial at the beginning. I refused to admit I needed help after I was diagnosed with OA.....Poor OT she sat an offered various things and I just kept say ...no thinks...dont need those.
What sort of arthritis? Do you know? Is his medication OK?
As for the bowel part of it....I can understand him not wanting to mention this but he has to.
Do you think if you sat him down and talked to him and told him how unfair he was being on your mum and the rest of the family when he could make things easier for everyone it would do any good? Harsh I know but it might work.
I remember when my mobility was getting worse and my grown up daughter suggested I get a mobility scoooter for longish journeys....
NO WAY!!!!!
Then she said you aren't being fair on dad.....you go somewhere and he only goes up the main street with you because he doesnt think you can cope with anymore {He never said anything} You are ruining his days out.
I got a scooter and for longish journeys I have never looked back...He has to take it to pieces and put it into the car and take it out and put it together again but at least we go lots of places....not just up one street.
Good Luck
Love
Hileena

elnafinn

Hi YorkshireLad

Your dad is not being fair to himself let alone anyone else. He must feel terrible when these mishaps occur, who would not. He needs to understand that he has to get and feel much better in himself before he can start to look for a job if that is what he wishes to do. Help is out there if he will start the ball rolling and that is to see his GP and someone MUST accompany him so that it does not turn into a courtesy call, if you know what I mean.

If he is too stubborn for whatever reasons, then it really is time for the family to intervene. A GP will listen to you. The ball is then in his gp's court to act in whatever way he thinks fit on the information he has received from you.

I so wish you well wish this, it is upsetting for you all and does not have to be this way.

Elna x

YorkshireLad

Thank you everyone for the support and advice I have an update.

I attended a place today with my father called (ingeus) who are part of Job Centre I guess, the lady was very helpful as I explained to her my fathers position. Her advice was that my father needs the GL24 forms were he has to appeal towards the decision that was made by DWP of trying to put him into work when in fact he is not fit for work, the lady was very understanding and had sympathy.

I have found a letter from the Dr that says
"This man has some osteoarthritis affecting his knees, hands and his feet. He also has back pains and in the past has had some pain in his shoulders. He takes Tramadol and Paracetamol as needed for this and also uses diclofenac gel. In view of this he is not fit for work

So now could someone please tell me which part of the medical side does my father need and what step shall I take next?

(Thank you all)

kellerman

Hi YorkshireLad,
From that GP letter it seems obvious that he is not aware the other problems your dad has.
He really needs to be as in the present financial climate I very much doubt that an appeal for disability would suceed.
This GP is making your dad appear as his condition is no more than a minor complaint.
Try and get a home visit....he really shouldn't be going to the surgery anyway.
Receptionists will probably ask if he can get to the surgery....explain why not.
I really wouldn't even tell your dad you've called the doctor out and try and have a word with him before he sees your dad.
This is really not fair on any of you....I was in a similar position with my mum although she did not have the same problems and disability was not involved.I even managed to get her own doctor instead of just one from the surgery.
You really can't go on like this. Good luck May

YorkshireLad

Update: Things have started to look positive, the appointment with the Dr was very helpful as she is more then willing to support my fathers claim, she has issued a medical sick note to hand into the JC.

I have also been into C.A.B who said they will fill out the disability forms for my father. We found many people in our position at the C.A.B.

The walking frame, will be given to my father by end of this week the Dr has said so that's a relive. I will update you guys with the progress thanks once more for being supporting.

kellerman

YorkshireLad....I am so pleased that things seem to going in the right direction for you all at present.
I don't claim any benefits but can well imagine that there are many people looking for help from C.A.B. just by what I read on here.
I really hope a walking frame helps your father.
You are a very caring son and should be proud that you have achieved as much as you have.It appears in the present climate that we have to fight for every bit of help we need.
I had to be quite pushy with my GP to get blood tests done...but I did it.
Take care and look forward to your update. May

tkachev

I am so pleased that your Dad is now getting the help he needs and a lot of it is down to you.
There must be many people in the same position who do not have anyone to fight their corner.
Elizabeth