Funny Valentines

joanlawson

Jim asked his friend, Tony, whether he had bought his wife anything for Valentine's Day.

'Yes,' came the answer from Tony who was a bit of a chauvinist, 'I've bought her a belt and a bag.'

'That was very kind of you,' Jim added, 'I hope she appreciated the thought.'

Tony smiled as he replied, 'So do I, and hopefully the vacuum cleaner will work better now.'

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.
Since my Valentine got a computer,
My luv life has taken a hit.

Nothing I say is important,
Unless it's a byte or a bit.

My life has become quite a trial,
Since my Valentine got a computer.

If I want her to care about me again,
I guess I'll have to reboot her.
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Q. What did the paper clip say to the magnet?
A. "I find you very attractive."

Q. What did one pickle say to the other?
A. "You mean a great dill to me."

Q. What did the elephant say to his girlfriend?
A. "I love you a ton!"

Q. What did the bat say to his girlfriend?
A. "You're fun to hang around with."

Q. Did you hear about the nearsighted porcupine?
A. He fell in love with a pin cushion!

Q. What did the pencil say to the paper?
A. "I dot my i's on you!"

Q. What did one light bulb say to the other?
A. "I love you a whole watt!"
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Do you love me with all your heart and soul?" asked Becky on Valentines Day.

"Mmm hmm." replied Dave.

"Do you think I'm the most beautiful girl in the world?"

"Mmm hmm."

"Do you think my lips are like rose petals?"

"Mmm hmm."

"Oh Dave," gushed Becky, "you say the most beautiful things!
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What NOT to give her for Valentine's Day

1. A box of chocolates, clumsily rearranged in an attempt to hide
the fact you ate all the caramel ones.

2. Any food item with the words "diet", "light", or "high fiber" on the label.

3. Flowers from a hospital's gift shop--or worse, a mortuary's.

4. Any household appliance or power tool.

5. Anything you could have bought at the gas station mini-mart on
the way over, even if you didn't.

9. An apologetic look and the words "That was today?"
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Definitions of a kiss

Professor of Economics:
Kiss is that thing for which the demand is always higher than the supply.

Professor of Geometry:
Kiss is the shortest distance between two lips.

Professor of Physics:
Kiss is the contraction of mouth due to the expansion of the heart.

Professor of Chemistry:
Kiss is the reaction of the interaction between two hearts.

Professor of Zoology:
Kiss is the interchange of salivary bacteria.

Professor of Physiology:
Kiss is the juxtaposition of two orbicularisoris muscles in the state of contraction.

Professor of Dentistry:
Kiss is infectious and antiseptic.

Professor of Statistics:
Kiss is an event whose probability depends on the vital statistics of 36-24-36.

Professor of Architecture:
Kiss is a process which builds a solid bond between the two dynamic objects.
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frogmorton

Nice ones Joan

thanks

Colin1

Nice Joan Happy Valintines to you all
Colin

julie47

thank you joan they made me smile especially the 1st one

have a nice day

love juliepf x

joanlawson

Love is like the measles; we all have to go through it.
( Jerome K. Jerome )

I don't understand why Cupid was chosen to represent Valentine's Day. When I think about romance, the last thing on my mind is a short, chubby toddler coming at me with a weapon.(Anon)

True love comes quietly, without banners or flashing lights. If you hear bells, get your ears checked.
( Erich Segal )

A couple was having a discussion about family finances. Finally the husband exploded, 'If it weren't for my money, the house wouldn't be here!' The wife replied, 'My dear, if it weren't for your money, I wouldn't be here.'

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-mKFr80Is3U
(one for all the people who like cats )

Hope you all have a purrfect Valentine's Day

Joan

lorraines

loved the jokes the video had me laughing out loud just how cute were those cats
Happy Valentines day All

mp1952

Excellent! Made me laugh. Thanks Joan.

marion

tjt6768

Brilliant Joan..
But how did you hear about me buying Janet the bag n belt :shock:

Happy mushy day girlies