Kalula airlines (For anyone in need of a laugh)

stickywicket

Kalula Airlines (S.A.) Genuine Announcements

"Please pay attention to the safety announcement, because you will be writing a test shortly".

"If you are caught smoking, you will be asked to leave the aircraft".

"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane."

"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child travelling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are travelling with more than one small child, pick your favourite."

"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Durban Airport, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"

"Ladies and gentlemen, we have landed in Cape Town. Please take all your possessions. Anything left behind will be shared equally between staff. Please note we do not accept unwanted mothers-in-law or children."

After a hard landing on a Kulula flight into Cape Town, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to The Mother City. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

After a bumpy landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

After a less than perfect of a landing on a Kulula flight to Johannesburg, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we will open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."

There are 8 emergency exits on the aircraft and the crew will do the macarena and point them out to you now - there are 2 at the front 4 overwing exits and 2 at the back. Please take a moment to locate the nearest exit to you bearing in mind that it might be behind or on top of you at the time.

Following a loss of cabin pressure, free oxygen will be provided - masks will drop from the right and left service panel above you. Scream softly and pull the mask down with a sharp downward jerk to activate the flow of oxygen, cover your nose and mouth and breath normally or just simply dial 911.

Now on our way to Slaapstad we should be flying over a few swimming pools, 4 rivers and a large sewerage pond, so in the case of a water-landing you have your own life-jacket under the seat. On instruction from the crew, fasten the life jacket tightly around your waist and pull down the red tags to give you that wonder-bra look. There's a red whistle for survivors and a light to shine in the shark's eyes.

dreamdaisy

Oh! I love that, thanks Sticky, giggles are much needed at the moment and that went down a treat! DD

joanlawson

I'm always in need of a laugh, so thanks for posting this, SW.

This reminds me of the last time I went on a flight. We had a 7 hour delay at the airport, during which time we were directed to several different departure gates, all miles apart. Feeling exhausted, we eventually boarded our plane, only to be told after about ten minutes that we would have to get off again because they had spilled aviation fuel on the ground next to the plane. Then they redirected us to yet another departure gate right at the opposite end of the airport :shock: We're not flying anywhere this year :!: :roll:

applerose

That was funny.

I have flown with Ryanair quite a few times. Whenever the plane lands on time, or quite often early, a trumpet sounds diddly-doo-doo-doo and there is an announcement saying 'Yet another plane landed on time.'

Joan - I'm not surprised you're not keen on flying again.