Best friend don't care...

Moller841

Hey guys...

I used the open letter that someone showed me on here and i gave it to her (my best friend of 5 years) and she has turned around and said why am i being a dick about my joints why don't i just get on with it...

That hurts me almost more than the pain in my joints all together...

Anyone any ideas?

skezier

Hi moller,

That's never an easy one at all. Sometimes its because they can;t cope..... They forget we have no choice and all they see is that your not as good as you were and they get frightened.

Other time its unfortunately the end of the friendship. For me it was always the latter and I remained friends with very few people as I deteriorated. I never was an outward going sort and my worst ever hit of the bone thing just happened to combine with the 2001 fmd thing so i became very withdrawn.... well more siegded than withdrawn.

I know if it were me i would see what happened and how things panned out. Maybe they are also feeling hurt that they were unable to deal and help. I also know in my own case it spelled the end of the friendships.

hang in there and just see what happens cus it might yet be a salvageable friendship. Leaving you a cyber ((( ))) and a hope things will come good. Cris x

barking1

Hi Moller
Thats a really tough one but for me it would deffinatly end the freindship,its the lack of understanding thats so difficult,its bad enough other people not understanding but it shakes you when its your best freind, the only other way to look at if you want to continue the freindship is for you to accept she just doesnt understand your problems and she is only human like the rest of us,maybe she has some problems of her own and feels unable to talk about them so there could be an element of jelousy as you are open about yours sending you a hug (((( ))))) keep talking dont let it put you of everyone on here will listen and understand xx jane

JuliaHod12

Hi Moller

I dont find this very surprising........
There are so many people i know who just don't get it.........my husband included! They dont know how to empathise as quite often they havent had the pain levels that we suffer on a daily basis, and therefore they cant evaluate it.
Many friends and colleagues are now surprised that I have taken to using my walking stick......."its only arthritis, why do you need that"?

It is a difficult one, but as others have said, it can spell the end of the friendship...........maybe you could get some leaflets about arthritis for them to read which may give a different perspective and help them understand?

Best of luck, and i hope you can bring her to understand

love
Julia x

RosieGlow

Many people seem unable to understand anything unless they experience it themselves. Also, I think the old fashioned attitude "it`s only arthritis" is still very widespread, even amongst some GP`s, despite all the information that is now available.

I would tell your friend how hurt you feel, and ask her if she really believes you would exaggerate something so life changing for you.......Rosie.x.

Folara

Hi Moller

I can't add much more other than I know where you are coming from and can understand the hurt and frustration. True friends should be here to support you through thick and thin and not run at the first sign of a problem.

Like you Julia, my husband sometimes fails to understand but as you say they haven't had to live with the constant pain and I know I winge a lot and he gets frustrated I'm 'always' tired etc.

Give them a little time to just sort things out in their head. Maybe they didn't realise just how it is for you and the letter made them feel embarrassed. If they continue to be unhelpful in a mental and physical fashion then very sadly it's time to be unfriended and depart on good terms. You do not need someone like that in your life.

Big hugs xx

dreamdaisy

This is a common plaint on here, Moller, believe you me. Don't give up on the friendship, she may need time to learn about this condition and the effect it can have on people - get her on here to read the posts maybe! Next time she whinges to you with something utterly trivial just turn round and say 'Oh get on with it, it's only a cold, OK you feel rough now but you'll get better and that's a luxury.' People associate arthritis with the elderly, and they may be aware that there are two kinds, osteo and rheumatoid. They have no idea that other versions exists (why would they?) nor that it can strike at any age.

I tutor dyslexics and I remember meeting an older teacher who declared it didn't exist, it was just lazy children or pushy parents not accepting their child was thick and who wanted a nice label for the dullard. I met her again five years later when she delivered her grandson for his weekly lesson. She had changed her tune by then. People do when either they or someone they know is personally affected. DD

elnafinn

Hi Moller

That sucks doesn't it? Not wonder you are feeling hurt. I find it difficult to comment because I do not have much information to go on. If this friend was one that you used to spend a lot of time with socially and recently you have been unable to do so because of your health in the past few months then perhaps she is no longer the type of friend that you need. It could have been a shock for her to read the "open letter" as she had not thought that you could possibly be that bad and her retort was her way of dealing with it. There is quite a lot to take on board when reading that "open" letter. I wonder if something she said in the first place prompted you to give her a copy to read.

I would not do anything rash at this point. Try to let it go for a while and see what happens. If this is a recent blip it could all blow over, that is, if you wish to continue with the friendship.

In the meantime, you look after yourself and continue to be active on this forum.

Elna x

jillyb1

Have always said that " you know who your friends are " is a very suitable expression when health of any kind is involved . We lost touch with many friends ( and relatives ) who didn't understand how to cope with my early biddyhood , but some have stayed around and proved their love and true care . Jillyb

emsjane

I always say, when times get tough, you find out who your true friends are!!

I went through this when my youngest son was diagnosed with Autism and i really found out i only had a couple of really true friends who stood by me when times were really bad for us all.

With my arthritis it has slowly got worse over the years (12) and therefore, now that i can't ignore it anymore and i have started to tell people about it more, i think they just think im exaggerating!! Also, because sometimes, depending on the weather, i do have a good day, i think they just think im making it all up!!!! But it has got to the point now where i have got so bad that i can't do the things that i used to do and people just don't understand that as i still look the same to them!!

If your friend isn't being supportive of your problems, you have to ask yourself, what sort of friend is she!!?? Maybe, not your best friend after all, but just someone who you know and see once in a while! Surround yourself with people who do care and are supportive because you are going to need those people as time goes on!!!

Good luck, whatever decision you make will be the right one for you x

valval

first thing to ask your self is how good a friend is she.
second do you want the frienship to go on.
third would you understand if you were not living it.
fourth how does she normally respond to this type of thing???
after you have the answers then you can start to decide in life people often let us down it part of life and often those we do not expect much from suprise us by how they react. i would keep her friendship but not expect so much from her . remember we are here if you need us we have been through most things and will help where we can val

stickywicket

As others have said, most people don't really 'get it' until they get it for themselves. It's not surprising. How many of us understand any illness or disease until it starts to impact on our own lives?

I guess only you know how your friendship operates. How close are you? What sort of things do you do together? Physical stuff like sport or walking which may well be off limits for you now? Theatre, pubs or restaurants which might be a bit less fancied by you some days? Is your friend broadly accepting your limitations or not? Do you see/speak to each other most days?

I ask because I've read the 'letter' you write of and, although it's a very accurate - and lengthy - description of life with arthritis, I could see it being positively overwhelming for some people and her suggestion that you 'lighten up' suggests to me that she might have reacted in that way. It might be that you'd get a better response if you simply explained 'The Spoon Theory' (Google it) briefly. It's nowhere near as detailed but I think it says enough to help others understand.

Moller841

Well my relationship with her is complicated as i have strong feelings for her and know nothing will happen... i see her regularly (3/4 times a week) and talk a lot... i see her more than i see my family pretty much... and seeing me so regularly she knows how i feel and has to deal with me in pain a lot of the time...

I get that if i didn't have this things would be difficult to understand however i have had many people who many different illnesses and conditions and my attitude has always been be as supportive as humanly possible...

What makes this situation even harder for me is the fact that she knows how i feel and still acts like I'm her boyfriend while in public and with friends... so her saying she doesn't see my problem with it all really does hurt... She said all this to me other best friend who has truly been amazing with everything that i have been going through so much so i didn't feel i needed to send him the same letter and he gets it all and helps me at every chance he gets! He was certainly not pleased with her reaction...

Ill keep you posted on how the situation develops...

niecee

Hi Moller
I was diagnosed in Dec 10 and since then I noticed the drop in friends. My phone use to ring loads. I was invited out loads but the change came when started using my walking stick. These friends were people who when I was able supported them no matter what! I'm disappointed but if they can't cope with my stick and be there for me then they aren't my friend! I explained to one friend that I had nothing planned for my birthday as I was in so much pain and GP had prescribed pain. Patches that they give to Cancer patients. She responded by sending an email are you saying you have cancer? I said no and explained her reply was Oh! Not a phone call or visit or anything. I understand people find health issue difficult but be so distant and cold is hurtful. I have one good friend and I love her dearly, she's always there good or bad days!

stickywicket

I think maybe you hit the nail on the head in your first sentence. It sounds as if you both have different expectations of this 'friendship'. It's a tough one and maybe a good, honest heart to heart is needed. The arthritis might simply be highlighting, and bringing to the fore, problems that would have cropped up later anyway. It does that. It finds the cracks in relationships. This isn't necessarily a bad thing. Sometimes they can be dealt with and the end result can be much stronger. Occasionally the cracks are there because the relationship just wasn't strong enough in the first place. I hope that's not the case for you.

Your other friend is OK wih things and that is good.

peridotlouise

this makes me so sad i know what you mean, people don't understand something unless they are going through it themselves. I get fed up with people telling me 'we all get arthritis when we're older anyway' and I'm 24, my friends don't get that it's serious and that i'm on harsh meds and always will be tied to a hospital in some way for the rest of my life. I hope everyday that I don't get worse, and everyone I know, no matter how many times i try to explain, just dont get it. I find it very upsetting, because they compare me to themselves, who are completely healthy and compare it to a bad knee they have now and again, or a bad back they get occasionally. I had a flare not long ago which took the life out of me and I still haven't fully recovered from it. I stay in bed from 7 though and I'm a loser 24 year old. If anything, the tiredness gets to me more.
That's why i'm so thankful there is this forum, where people do understand, I think I would go crazy.

Moller, i hope you sort things out with your best friend.
Lots of love x

bubbadog

Before I got sick and diagnosied I had a large group of friends went out every weekend had great times. But when they found out I had arther they disappeared as quick as a vampire when the sun comes up!! Only 2 stayed out of the group. But I would rather have you lot as friends anytime!

lululu

I knew i had lost my best freind when one day as I was leaving she said 'keep in touch' . Still feels like she hit me with a brick!

Moller841

Well I'm slowly going through my friends trying to explain what I'm going through... i told an old friend today who deffo had no idea... i used the spoon theory which was very effective... as it gives them a perspective that they can understand... his exact words were i find it hard to understand because I'm not going through it... so helping them in a way which is relative helps a lot i think...

Obviously some will understand and be supportive out right... they are amazing and people to hold onto very tight...

But I'm new here and already have had a lot of support from people who are either going through the same thing or have been there and done it...

Keep posting we will help as much as possible...

Thom

skezier

Hi Thom

The spoon one is a good one isn't it? Folks can feel overweening though for a min or two so give some time as they can;t always get their head round it all.... I don't know why but I always do that even though like Lulu I know the point I lost my best friend...I hadn't been very well again and she said 'I will call you' she never did.

Its a steep learning curve sometimes but you will get there. Hang in there Cris x

stickywicket

Any change of circumstances affects the dynamics of relationships, Thom. The good stuff will rise to the top. Let the rest go. Some people just can't handle illness.

Moller841

Well to keep you all informed...

i asked her about and she said that she knows what its like to have something different to everyone... She has an op on her knee after a dislocation... however she has been fine for over a year and is doing all the things she used to...

However i don't think she understands that this is for life not just a period... and i don't think she gets how difficult the small tasks are... but to me it seems like a losing battle to try have her understand... its proving difficult to try keep the relationship going...

Ahhhhhhh they should make something so that they can experience it for just a day ( i certainly wouldn't wish this on anyone) but i think it would help her understand....


Hope everyone is doing ok...

Thom

emsjane

Thom,

If you can be bothered anymore, i do think The Spoon Theory does explain this quite well. Have you tried that???

applerose

Hi Moller. I can't really add anything to what has already been said.

I used to do half marathons but am often in pain now when I walk. People who knew me would ask why I wasn't running. When I told them about my arthritis, they would say 'Where have you got it? In your hands?' I would explain (I have RA) and they would screw their face up and say 'Oh!' I myself didn't know what RA was until I was told I had it.

I think maybe that combined with your friend maybe not wanting the same relationship as you, is difficult for her to handle. I agree a good heart to heart might clear the air and show you where things stand. Hope you get it sorted out. (((hugs)))

stickywicket

Moller841 wrote:

Ahhhhhhh they should make something so that they can experience it for just a day

I'm not sure about that, Thom. We might find that everyone ran away

I think the fact that your friend compares what you have to a temporarily dislocated knee shows that she doesn't understand. I guess it's not essential that friends understand all the ins and outs of arthritis but they do need to understand that what you do and don't do is not purely a matter of will.