Just about had enough

heyjude

Thankyou everyone.
I have not done much this morning except think. I am feeling very mixed up Stickywicket and cannot seem to make sense of my thoughts which centre on a fear of my son and his future wife not wanting me; I blame that on the arthritis etc. because I cannot fully participate in the things the way her family can. our son seems to spend a huge amount of time with them and very little time with us. I feel if I could nip out to his place and help out the way her mother does I might be more included. Because the arthritis stopped me driving I blame that as the main reason I am not as involved in his life as her mother is. Also my elder son decided he didn't want anything more to do with us 2 years ago and 1 year ago texted us to tell us he had changed his name and is no longer our next of kin so I have a totally irrational fear of being left with no one. Little things have become enormous eg I phoned to wish her a happy birthday this morning. She didn't pick up so I left a message; instead of ringing me back she texted me. her parents are staying with them this week so I automatically felt the reason she didn't answer or ring back was because they are there. Her mother is a very fit, confident organising sort of lady and although I like her very much she makes me feel inadequate in my lack of conversation and what I can physically do. I am beginning to feel like they see me as the frail old granny instead of a mum with a great desire to help and be included and who has a very good brain but a rubbish body. I think i shall have to see the doc. i can't sort it out in my head. Its all out of control.
Secondly my husband had his own business until April. Last August he fell and damaged the nerves in his hand which has resulted in him not being able to do manual work any more. we gave the business up at the end of the tax year and decided that as he is 65 next march he would claim carer's allowance etc and be at home with me. We started going swimming and doing lots of thinsg together. However he was offered a job in his field in an office and is now out from 7.45am to 4.45pm. I miss him so much. The reason he went self employed was to be at home when I really needed him. Now he can't be here and I can't get out very much. I realise that if I had more going on in my life I wouldn't have time to dwell on things but it isn't possible for me to do very much except to meet up with a group of senior ladies once a fortnight to sew. I used to be an active member of the WI but my local WI has made it very difficult for me to play a full role even though I can walk and do a few steps and use the loo unaided. Going on outings eg they were going to Highgrove and I asked what the access was like. I was told "why don't you come anyway and sit in the cafe with a cup of tea while we go round". On an outing to Buckingham palace someone offered to push me but when they found out wheelchairs went round via a different route they backed out saying they wanted to stay within the main group. So the way I see it is everything wrong in my life is because of the arthritis - getting out, being useful, seeing my family, belonging to groups etc etc. I have tried everything not to let it beat me over the past few years but I'm afraid it now has.

stickywicket

No wonder you are feeling so mixed up, heyjude, with all this whirling round in your head. Anyone would.

Now then, you say that you feel ‘everything wrong in my life is because of the arthritis’. I’d put it a slightly different way. I think that arthritis finds all our weak spots and gets in there widening the slightest crack into a crevice. It seems to me you have one, big crevice which would be a crevice with or without the arthritis and that’s the heart-breaking situation with your elder son. I’ve had many, many years of arthritis and I know for a fact it could never have the power to hurt me as much as one of my sons wanting nothing more to do with me would hurt me.

I would wonder if everything else stems from that – your fear of your other son and his future wife not wanting you around, your worry about his fiancée texting rather than phoning you (Surely, that's simply a generational thing?) and your feelings of inadequacy next to the fiancee’s mother. Plus, you were enjoying life with your husband as your carer and now it must feel a little as though he has abandoned you too.

You say you can manage to do a few steps and use the loo unaided. Also that you have ‘a very good brain’. Those things are a big plus. They mean that there’s quite a lot you can do to help yourself.

Next time the WI have an outing, why not find out for yourself about access rather than relying on others to tell you? Able-bodied people can rarely see things from a disabled point of view and most websites have a section on access or, at the very least, contact details. Sometimes I do find that my way of ‘being with people’ is, in part, to sit and wait, but sitting in pleasant surroundings with a cuppa and a good book – or camera – or i-pad can be so much nicer than sitting looking at the same four walls at home. And then there’s something to talk about when the others get back to you.

The ‘lady’ who offered to push you until she found it didn’t suit her plans is just inexcusable but, thankfully, most people aren’t like that.

Please don’t see yourself as not being useful. I don’t see myself as not being useful. To be honest, I’d deck anyone who suggested it You are simply in a rut. It’s very, very different.

stickywicket

Hello heyjude. How are you feeling today? I've been thinking of you.

heyjude

Hello Stickywicket,

better but very tired thank you and its Friday which is always a good day.

We have been looking at travel scooters so I don't have to rely on being pushed.
I am going to try a different WI as I was a member of the other one for 5 years and tried all the waiting for them to get to know you things but I gave up in the end as things didn't improve esp after County WI sent a memo round 2 years ago to say wheelchair members must always be accompanied by a carer who, if male, must be accepted at the meetings by a vote from local members................................. and they had to pay which meant it would cost me double for everything. It certainly wasn't like that at the WI I used to belong to -- I was even on the committee.
I am also going to try to get to the swimming pool by taxi; it might not work out because of obvious difficulties but we'll see.
Thanks for the support.

hileena111

Hi Heyjude
You sound really positive now......hope things work out....if you dont try these things you never know do you?
Are you trying the scooters at a shopping center first {although you did say you had one didnt you?}
I'm off today with my 4 wwheel walker......I can put it in my car and get it out so I'm more independent than when I'm on my scooter.....wont fit in my car :roll:
I was watching a lady in our metro center yesterday.......she was disabled....had a very bad limp and got off her scooter and was managing to take that to pieces and put it in her car......dont think i could lift the different bits without hurting myself.
Love
Hileena

heyjude

Hallo Hileena111,

i have a fold up manual wheelchair and a scooter; I use the scooter when i go out alone as the DVLA asked for my license back after a letter from my GP so I am not driving any more; I use the wheelchair when we go out in the car. I like to walk a bit and ride a bit when I'm up to it. I am going to look at travel scooters which will fit in the boot because if I'm out again with the family I can choose which way I face and then I can hear and see what everyone else is talking about and looking at and hopefully I won't feel left out again.

hileena111

Hi Again
I think thats the best way to go.....like I said mine stays in Peters car and its great when I'm out with him especially in large hilly places.
Wouldnt be without it.....but wouldnt be without my walker either.
I'm lucky I've still got a driving licence ...I would be lost without it.
I suppose i would have to get a bigger scooter.....especially one where you dont feel every single bump like you do on my little one when I'm out.
Hope you find what you are looking fore
Love
Hileena

stickywicket

You do sound much more positive today, heyjude, and I’m really pleased to see that. I think all your plans are good ones. The travel scooter will enable you to do your own thing more. The swimming should be great if you can manage it. I used to take taxis to my riding lessons every week and it worked out well.

I don’t know much about the WI but I expect that, like most large organizations, there are lots of differences between one branch and another. When it comes to making new people feel welcome (or not :roll: ) the person in charge, or the committee can often set the tone and other members take their cue from them. So, if you are going to try a new branch, you will, hopefully, find things much better. I do hope so.

You are putting a lot of effort into all this and I very much hope you reap the benefits which you deserve. Please keep us updated as to how it’s all panning out. I’m sorry about the tiredness. I think that just goes with the territory, and with some of the meds. I hope you have a lovely weekend.

heyjude

Thanks Stickywicket! And yes -- lets write that book!

dreamdaisy

There are times when it does all get too much. You feel beaten by pain, the meds, the tiredness, a HUGE sense of injustice and suddenly one's skin is no thicker than a human hair. I think, however, that the odd dip into the PoSP (pool of self-pity) is no bad thing. Thinking we should be presenting a cheery face to the world, no matter what, is unrealistic: we bear a heavy load and every now and again we need to crumble under it. It does us good - as long as we can emerge the other side. DD

skezier

Hey Jude,

The travel scooter would rally help you and I hope you find one suitable. Thats a forward move and well done!

Sometime e get swamped by it all and a friend of mine (Iris actually) taught me one day at a time... any further and you can get you imagination really play you up. On a good day we can make decisions on a bad day we can't really cus the pain and the worry of what will come clouds us a bit I think.

I have never joined a WI but I have done a couple of talks to a couple of groups (that was scary.... all them people waiting for you to say something :shock: ) and afterwards had coffee with them and all of them were really friendly so you should be ok... just mind if they ask you would you like to be in a calendar

You know that's another huge move forward... Sometimes we loo at what we haven't done and give it such importance and yet if we look at what we have done.... hang in there and nice to meet you. Cris x

stickywicket

heyjude wrote:

Thanks Stickywicket! And yes -- lets write that book!

I've made a start. Please feel free to add to my thread.

stickywicket

How are things with you, heyjude? I hope you've managed to get the odd ball rolling but, whether or not, we're still here to help if we can.