Breaking point

Starburst

Where do I start? My rock, my mum has had major surgery after coming very close to not being here at all. Although she has made good progress, she will need an awful lot of care for several weeks but probably longer. Being the older (and more responsible, sensible and organised) daughter, the caring duties are being placed on me. While I know I owe so much to my mum who has gone above and beyond her duties as a parent over the years, I am concerned about how I will cope. I know it's selfish when she's been so desperately ill to be thinking of myself but what good am I to either of us if I'm on my knees? The last week of trying to keep the house clean and tidy, cooking and washing (activities I find really physically challenging) has led to a horrible flare up. I haven't been in this much pain for 3 years, since before I was diagnosed and when I wasn't taking any pain relief. I feel so tired and ill, yet everytime I visit the hospital, I feel obliged to smile, reassure her I'm in control and make promises that I'll be there to do everything.

I've tried to get through to my sister that I'm already struggling but she can be quite self-centred and she just wants to get on with working. She doesn't understand my illness and how it affects me, despite me trying to explain. So, she'll toddle off to work while I'm left trying to look after a house and a very poorly adult. My sister isn't an inherently selfish person, just quite laid back and focused on certain things.

No one seems to realise I do not have the physical strength to help bath my mum. I cannot help her down the stairs, I struggle with them myself! How can I be a full-time carer to the person who has been my part-time carer for several years? There's not really anyone else to help and I can't imagine that the hospital will suggest any care at home.

I did tentatively mention my concerns to my mum but she said that it will be fine and she'll manage. She said she doesn't expect me to do this (she's an angel, she knows how it is for me) but how can I not help? I can't leave her lying in bed all day, unwashed and unfed.

I'm tired, worried and scared.

tjt6768

oh dear.. I do hope your mum recovers ok..
Could you not ask your mum to point out how bad things are for you to your sister? Maybe coming from her, or anyone else even, it might just sink in?
I'm sorry I'm not much help but I do wish you and your mum all the best and hope you both manage to get through this...

daylily

Hi,
Your Mum is entitled to 6 weeks rehabilitation care from the hospital care team. Get in touch with the hospital social worker straight away. If they do not have one (they should have) try the PALS office in the hospital.
Do not try to take on sole care for your Mum, you cannot do it with the best will in the world.
The 6 weeks will give you time to contact the local authority social workers and get daily help to care for your Mum, this should include washing/dressing etc.
Before Mum is discharged the hospital have to know what care is planned or organised, please do not say you can do it.
Stay firm cos social workers will try to wriggle out of providing care due to cuts in budgets.
Good luck and let us know how you get on please
xx

stickywicket

You need help, Starburst, and can't possibly be expected to cope with your Mum on your own. I expect she'd be the first person to tell you this if she was her normal self but she's not. She's very ill and her judgement is probably clouded by optimism. While in hospital, life, for a patient, is so much easier than at home. Meals are prepared, washing up and laundry are done by others, even baths are run for you and a hoist provided if necessary. Floors are flat, spaces are wide, there are no stairs and there is no furniture to get in the way.

Daylily has given you some excellent pointers. Please use them. Someone should be able to point you in the right direction but please don't just soldier on. You'll damage your own health badly and, as a Mum myself, I can tell you that would be the last thing any Mum would want.

This is not you being unkind, ungenerous or uncaring, just realistic. You will do your Mum no favours if you ruin your own health and then have to take the steps you could have taken now.

You are clearly a loving daughter but please be strong and get the help you both need. (())

elnafinn

Hi Starburst

A social worker must already be assessing your mum for when she goes home and you should be in the discussions if you are the one visiting your mum the most whilst she is in hospital. If they become aware that you are there to help her out you will have to emphasise and even tell some white lies to ensure that they do not think they can wash their hands of your mum when she leaves the hospital and their care because you will be there to cater for her needs. Perhaps you could say that you would only be able to pop in to look after your mum and that you need carers to go in at certain times and to help with bathing and so on. Meals on wheels or similar can be arranged ie frozen ready made meals. Whether it is the same now but one used to have carers free for the first 6 weeks and if still needed after that time then payment was necessary.

You cannot afford to make yourself ill as that will not help anyone. I know it is very difficult and I know from experience that one really does have to be very firm with these social workers and the hospital. I have been through it with my own mum. I was unable to be with her all the time but had to make this very clear to them all at the hospital and it was hard work. I think they were relieved to see the back of me when my mum finally left hospital for home.

Elna x

theresa4

Hi Starburst
first I wish your mum a speedy recovery
second does starburst mean superwoman??

My mum was my rock, she now has bi polar with psychosis. For 20 years I cared for her but I just cant do it anymore. She understands, she has noone else. My brother lives 100 miles away, my sister has a bad temper, no patience and is 'busy with her life'. So I feel guilty but I have to be honest I , just cant do it. I finally snapped 3 years ago and told the hospital psychiatrist Id had enough of them 'dumping' my mum on me when I wasnt a picture of health myself, I could barely walk, the stress induced more pain and yet they guilted me into caring for my seriously ill mum, well no more. I told them THEY needed to do their job and get a qualified support network for my mum, to help with her social skills, help her get out more with accompanied walks and activities (my friend is a social worker so I knew which demands could be met). She lives 12 miles from me which doesnt sound far but its 3 buses or 20 minutes in the car because of where it is. too far for me to drive , etc..
what Im saying is I feel guilty for asking for help when I feel as a family member I should be doing it especially with how much she was there for me, but Im realistic. Now when I see her I enjoy her company she doesnt drain me as much and her care is by others that I can and will call to task if they try short cutting her care.
My mum tells me she wants to be there for me, do my cleaning, and is sad because she cant. I tell her its ok I have 4 kids and a husband who can do it and if not the house will stay a mess (until I have a good day).
Get the hospital to provide the extra help she requires and try avoid the guilt feelings as if you overdo it not only will you cause yourself pain but you will pass the guilt to your mum too, because Im sure you are just like her caring for others without a thought for yourself. Sometimes we have to get a bit selfish to be any use at all. Maybe its time for you and your mum to reassess what you can do.

Hope your mum recovers quickly and that you get some rest too

Theresa

traluvie

Hi Starburst,

I imagine you feel like you have the weight of the world on your shoulders luvie..
As the others have suggested the hospital should be able to sort some help out for you, especially if they know you are not able to do so yourself..
Your mom will understand and i bet already she is very very proud and grateful for what you have done/already doing, so please don't feel guilty..

((()))

Hope your mom gets well soon and i hope you can get some reast so this flare eases up for you.

kellerman

Hi
You've been given some really good advise. No hospital should discharge your mum unless there is a care package in place.
This would certainly involve a social worker who will in all probability drag their heels as they are overstretched.
Just because your mum has family does not mean she isn't entitled to this help.
Please don't feel guilty. I've been there done that. You feel like you are letting her down when she needs you most.You can't be expected to do this.
Get this package in place....you need it. What if something happened and you couldn't be there?
When my mum was in hospital I wasn't allowed to go in. Low platelets....infection. My sisters had to go. Mum wanted me....I'm the eldest....I've never known such guilt.
Getting stressed won't help you either. Please get this help....its out there.
May

stickywicket

You can see we're all singing from the same hymn sheet, Starburst. Please get help, however hard it may be to ask or even insist. It will not only be be better for you but it will also be better for your Mum. (())

dreamdaisy

I agree with everyone else. For all intents and purposes you appear to be an only child at the moment, a poorly one to boot, so please find out what help is there for you. If you run yourself into the ground trying to do everything that won't help your poor mum or you. Your health is important too - very important. ((())) DD

earthspirit

same as everybody else!!!!

when my mum had serious op she did not want family helping her in her own home and specifically requested that she go into the care place for 6 weeks

she then hada more minor op and again took the full 6weeks you are allowed.

her thinking was that life would be more simple, she wouldnt then be tempted to try to do too much herself. it gave her the peaceful place she needed to recover without thinking about getting somebody to clean something she couldnt manage. even things like answering the door to postie etc were challenging and she wanted to take herself right out of that sort of situation.

i am quite far away from where she lives and where she got care and at the time i could neither walk nor drive so my help would have been minimal. my brother visited her 3 times a day and i was feeling a bit guilty that my mum was in this place, realising that she was taking up a space for people far more needy. however it was her own decision and it was the head space and tranquility and freedom from any responsibility that she wanted and we had to respect this choice.

making yourself seriously ill looking after your mum would cause her even more stress and you will still be able to visit your mum, take her some tasty treats. doing her clothes washing etc etc and she will receive 24hrs care.

barbara12

Hi starburst
The others have said it all, you must get help from somewhere, I like Tonys idea about your mum having a word with your sister.
Its so awkward for you, but like Elna says if you make yourself worse then you wont be much use to anyone...
Sending you loads of hugs to help you through ((((((())))) xxx

Starburst

I sobbed reading your replies. Thank you. xx I needed some advice from impartial people and I needed a good cry!

Some things are being put into place; our old cleaner will be coming back to clean twice a week and I've asked the dog walked to walk my little ball of energy during the week. Apparently, the physio is working with my mum to ensure she can get in and out of bed herself as well as up and down the stairs safely.

I had a discussion/argument with my sister and told her, in no uncertain terms, that she was going to have to get herself into gear and help out. I think she heard me but only time will tell. If nothing else, a good rant got the frustration out!

Being a social work student, I know a little about this sort of thing but it's impossible for me to be rational and objective in a situation like this. I don't think I've given myself time to accept that this has been emotionally difficult for us all.

On a more positive note, I made myself a lovely dinner of salmon, rice and asparagus (my first proper non-junk food/takeaway meal in a week). I'm planning on treating myself to some chocolate followed by a very early night as I need some sleep.

barbara12

Aww I am so glad to read this, I was worried about you, see what we can do when we all stick together..I keep saying to people that it really does help to talk .
Now you carry on looking after yourself xx

stickywicket

Of course it’s impossible for you to be objective in such a situation. How could you be? However, you’ll see we’re all agreed that it would be bad for both of you if you were to try to do too much and I think your rational side (as opposed to your emotional side) can see that.

It’s good that things are being put into place but it’s also important that you keep them in place. Don’t let your Mum start to rely on you, once home, for things she’s been taught to do for herself. That will be hard, but necessary for her sake as much as yours.

Well done on tackling your sister! That can’t have been easy. Can you make out some sort of rota for you both? Or just divide jobs between you. Whenever I came out of hospital, my husband had a rota up in the kitchen and our two young boys pulling their weight in a way they never did when Mum was fit and well

I hope you enjoyed your meal. (I know I would have .) Get in some food that’s quick, easy and nutritious for when your Mum comes home. And there’s nothing wrong with giving yourself a take-away/ready meal break once a week. You’ll have earned a day off.

Look after Mum but look after Sophie too. And let’s know how it goes.

diamond

So pleased to see that your situation seems to be looking like you will not be alone in your mum's care.Wishing your mum a speedy recovery,look after yourself also.xx