ok am i being selfish

valval

well my auntie down in dorset has passed away funeral is friday but i do not want to make the trip as i know the pain and stiffness it will cause. have had this week off work so could go but the thought of the trip fills me with dread. mum and dad already most of way there they are stopping with my brother. older brother going down as well so mum will have plenty of support.
so why do i feel so guilty mum being very good about not expecting me to go she knows how hard i find long journys and this would be a 6 hour one both ways so even if stop over it going to be bit much got rhummy today so feeling bit up and down as well val

stickywicket

Val, I read the title, I saw your name and I knew what my answer was going to be. Now I've read the thread and my answer's the same. NO, definitely not. You are not being selfish, you are being realistic and, actually, I think it's some achievement to reach the stage when you can say "I want to go. I feel I should go. But I know that, all things considered, it would be a bad thing to do because I'd pay for it and, almost certainly, that'd impact on others around me." It's a really tough decision but I think it's the right one.

I'm sure, if things were different, you'd be there like a shot. But things aren't different. Your Mum understands that. She'll have support down there.

You could take some time out, on the day, to go somewhere pleasant and remember your auntie - light a candle - say a prayer - whatever is your thing.

So, my answer is that no way are you being selfish and I'm proud of you for taking a very difficult, but correct, decision.

(And good luck with today's appointment )

mig

I second what Sticky has said,what she surgested about a quiet thought sounds just right,i am sure your Auntie would have agreed.(((()))) Mig

fowls48

Hi Valval


No you are not being selfish , it is a long journey , if you did go what condition would you be in when you got there :?: Your parents are going and will represent you and you can always sent a card or even phone the family .The weather is awful at the moment and you need to keep your strength up .Sorry your Auntie Has passed on , I'm sure she would understand .

karen .

LignumVitae

Definitely the correct decision all around - if you did make a herculian effort to go and arrived in a sore and sorry state then you would not be helping anybody and least of all yourself. When it comes to that grey area of a sense of duty and common sense, the common sense has to win out because it usually reflects the sense of duty you should owe to yourself but usually forget about. I think Sticky's idea of a candle or a moment out of the day somehow means that your Aunty will be being celebrated all over the country and not just in one place - for some reason that seems quite a nice thing.
LV xx

valval

thankyou all my head tells me it the right thing to do but well you know i love the sugestion of lighting a candle and spending quiet time feel better thankyou all val

Numptydumpty

Val I'm sure no one could think you are selfish.
Your aunt would surely understand, a six hour journey both ways, would be too much.
You have your quiet memories.
Thinking of you,
Numpty

Milly8

Your are not being selfish but very sensible .your family will understand.i went to my uncles funereal three years back now.it was ten hours there and ten back by train.I spend the time popping pills and trying to put a brave face on for everyone.i was so Ill and when I got home i think i slept for days.sometimes we have to take a step back and think about our own health.Just have a little quiet time on the day and think about her.good luck for your rheumy appointment today.
Best wishes
Milly

Harlansmummy

Not selfish.

I couldnt make my nan's funeral so my gran and I phoned each other at the time of the funeral and talked about our favourite memories of her. There were some tears but also some smiles. Perhaps you could do sonething similar?

valval

thankyou all feel better about it now i know it would take days to recover and back at work monday(only do 4 hours a day but it more than enough) so not going to be the time needed to recover

barbara12

Val you are definitely not being selfish, its such a long journey, lately I have missed a wedding of a dear friend due to it being a couple of hundred miles away, I know you will be thinking of your auntie, so why put yourself through all that pain, have you seen what they are going to do, put funerals on line for people that cant get there, honestly probably an American thing... :?

Milly8

I remember when my mum died 20 years ago now my gran was 85 at the time very frail and there was no way she could come from england to wales,but as soon as we got back from the funeral I phoned her and told her how it went she cried a lot as she said she felt so guilty for not being there .i got her to get her photo album out and we sat either ends of our phone and recalled soon happy memories of her.my aunt had made the journey from engalnd so I sent her home with some daffodils ( my mum and my gran's favorite flowers) and a lovely new crystal vase I had bought her.I now have the vase back after my nan pasted away and it always makes me think of the two of them.

valval

Milly8 wrote:

I remember when my mum died 20 years ago now my gran was 85 at the time very frail and there was no way she could come from england to wales,but as soon as we got back from the funeral I phoned her and told her how it went she cried a lot as she said she felt so guilty for not being there .i got her to get her photo album out and we sat either ends of our phone and recalled soon happy memories of her.my aunt had made the journey from engalnd so I sent her home with some daffodils ( my mum and my gran's favorite flowers) and a lovely new crystal vase I had bought her.I now have the vase back after my nan pasted away and it always makes me think of the two of them.

bless that sounds lovely bet she was so happy with them i plant a rose bush in garden when i see the lovely flowers always makes me smile and remember them val