Calling all widows?

stickywicket

This is me being serious for once. My lovely neighbour’s husband died about 18 months ago. She’s in her 70s and has since had a TKR. (She was very sensible with it and has had no problems.) She’s a strong lady and has lots of very supportive family members living near – children, sisters, teenage grandchildren, nephews, nieces. Obviously I’ve phoned, called and invited her round regularly since her husband died. In fact she’s often made a pretext of coming round – she’d some spare, newly laid eggs, a spare packet of special biscuits etc.

I know she values our relationship. (I feel a bit guilty because I’m sure she’d be round more if I suggested it.) I’ve just found out from her (kind of accidentally) that she’s depressed enough to have been put on anti-d’s by the doc last week but stopped because she ‘felt awful on them’. I suggested going back for different ones but I think she hates the whole idea of them and is going to try St John’s Wort which she clearly feels is more acceptable.

My question – how do I support her? She is warm, well-fed (though not eating much right now) with lots of caring and sensible family and friends around her, a dog to walk and a better social life than I have, though she's currently having to force herself to go places.

The reason I’m calling on widows is because I think this is a very special kind of bereavement. Those two must have been married over 50 years. I guess it must be a bit like being torn in half. My own Mum coped brilliantly. My mother-in-law a bit less so. I just feel out of my depth.

fowls48

Hi Sticky

I think you are doing a marvelious job already .Poor lady she must be having a tough time .Keep up your good work with this , I'm sure she appreciates all the help you are giving her already .Sorry i have not been of much help .


bless you
karen.

Colin1

Hi Sticky
Your doing a good job because you are there for her if she needs you and as you you say she has her family and loved ones round to take care of her.
Dealing with loss is not easy and dealing with grief is difficult as most of us know. being that her family are so supportive, i think all you can do is be there if she needs you. Do you know if she has come to terms with husbands death.
Take care Colin

lindalegs

I'm not a widow but I have friends who are and widowers too.

I think you're doing just the right thing, as you've invited her round and also phoned her. You say, yourself she has a supportive family near and that's wonderful, although she's obviously still struggling, but who wouldn't after so long a marriage.

Be there for her when she needs you Sticky, at the end of a phone, but try not to worry too much as she hasn't been left all alone with no one close by.

I think you're being a good friend to her but you have your own life too. (sorry if that sounds harsh :oops: )

Luv,

dachshund

Hello Sticky.
you are a lovely kind helpfull lady so just having you as a neighbour would be good.
take care.
joan xx

stickywicket

Thanks everyone. She's just a lovely lady and has all the right people round her and is doing all the right things but she's lost her beloved life's companion and I've, thankfully, no idea how that feels or how anyone can attempt to make it easier.

lindalegs

Sadly, Sticky, I don't think you can make it easier ....................but at least by being her friend you're not making it harder

Luv,

diamond

I think you are already helping her as much as possible.She will no doubt have her good and bad days as she was married for a long time.She at least has family to help out and is blessed to have you as a neighbour and friend.x

valval

it would have been a suprise if she had not been depressed at some time it takes time to get over a loved one i supose it last thing at night when she will feel it most, you are doing the best for her just be there when she needs you explaine you are there if needed keep up the good work val

ruby2

Sticky how lovely of you.
Yes you are doing lots for this lady well done, can I just say something from my own perspective ..I'm not a widow either but was the daughter of a widow.

When we lost my dad my mum quietly fell to pieces, she was a strong lady with several interests and fit too, after the first few months when we had been with each other on a daily basis I felt she was depending on me too much and letting slip all of the other outlets she had had.
I was grieving too and my life was adapting to support her.
I realised that the changes were not benefiting either us emotionally and I began to encourage her to pick up the old interests and hobbies etc as I knew in the years gone by that is why she had set them up..to be a independent and keep her identity.

Perhaps her family are just backing off a little maybe it is the next phase of their own grief to hand her back ownership of her daily routine.
Maybe it is time for her to seek more friendships than family relationships in order for them to move on with the grief.

I lost my mum 6 years after my dad and I can never thank those friends of hers who stepped right back in and put her back together again just at the right moment....they had different things to talk about without the sadness , memories and grief being a common denominator.
Your neighbour may have considered her families sadness above her own and has not told them about the depression...and values your friendship enough to tell you about it.
She is lucky to have you there listening.

Gosh I've written and deleted and written and deleted this in the hope it reads right.

Take care

stickywicket

Thank you everyone for your very kind comments and especially Ruby for sharing such personal details. (Yes, it reads 'very' right. Thank you.)

It is possible that her family are backing off a little but I do doubt it. They are all very close and one son lives with her. She does have a lot of friends but I do realise that, in this situation, it's possible that a less familiar face is easier to talk to.

I think I can only continue to play it by ear. It's a tough one.

elnafinn

Hi Sticky

You are being a good friend and neighbour. Even if she has her son living with her and relatives and family nearby she probably values the friendship of "people outside the family" as they bring in a different prospective on things. Different news for instance.Perhaps she feels it easier to talk to about certain things than her family all the time. Why not continue with the phone calls, popping in and inviting her in to y ou too and just making her feel very welcome to contact you whenever.

She is lucky to have you living next door.

Elna x

dreamdaisy

I concur with everyone else, you are doing the right thing and will no doubt continue. I remember reading a quote from Esther Rantzen after she lost her husband. 'It's not the lack of someone to do things with, it's the lack of someone to do nothing with.' That's one of the nicest things about a marriage, the companionable sitting doing nothing bit. That is probably the hardest thing to deal with. It can't be an easy adjustment. DD