Tears, more tears and hopes and dreams of joy

LignumVitae

Hello magic people, I hope you are all well out there or at least smiling your way through

Well, as some of you may remember I stopped my methotrexate three months ago to try for a baby...I was going for the 6 months withdrawal but unfortunately I am not dealing well without meds. Luckily I am well managed by the hospital with a wonderful team and I have in place some simple but effective little things that help me out like home working on a very flexy basis and an OH who is managing to learn to negotiate things superduper fast. Steroids are sort of holding me up so long as I don't expect to do much and am sensible enough to know when to stop (sensible - me - yes this bit has been a problem). I am struggling because the steroid dose rarely keeps me going for 4 weeks before pain and fatigue will out and I need to try and get to 6 weeks as I shouldn't have them in less time than that. On this basis and on changes to the NICE guidelines I have been advised to start trying for babies now rather than wait the final three months of the proposed withdrawal.

At first I got terribly excited about that news, then I got terribly down, then I got excited and then I just cried and gave up sleeping at night. I cried for most of last week and the week before, not sure why sometimes but if anybody has shares in tissues - I did my best for you.

I'm feeling much less wobbly now for 99% of the time. I think some of it comes from fighting so hard for three months and feeling a bit of a relief that we could get moving sooner than expected but also in such a moment in a girl's life I imagine most ladies with or without arthritis get a bit shaky! I felt super weak and pathetic during my tears stage but I am calmer for now. I just have this strange thing where I think for once it would be lovely if something good happened with my body without having to have medical help or without having to struggle and fight. I don't know if it will and if it doesn't then arthritis has taught me how to negotiate struggles and fights pretty well but you know, wouldn't it be lovely to do a little bit of life the 'normal' way?!

LVxx

Numptydumpty

What a moving post.
I wish you all the luck in the world.
Fondest wishes,
Numpty

woodbon

I hope all goes well for you and have a lovely baby to show for it all. Tears, I suspect are normal for most people at your stage of life whether you have arthritis or not, its a big life changing event you're hopeing for.

All the best of Good Luck for the future. Love Sue

stickywicket

Now then, first things first. You ‘cried for most of last week and the week before’ and, as far as I can recall, said nothing on here, just continued to support others. Tut, tut, LV. That will never do. Please don’t feel you can only share the good stuff. We’re here to support you, too.

I can well understand your muddled emotions. There is so much for you to take on board and so many changes happening even before you start trying for a baby, not to mention so much pain. It sounds as if you’re having steroid jabs rather than tablets. I think most of our mums-to-be have had the tablets (though I could be wrong). Might the tablets work better ie with fewer peaks and troughs?

‘Sensible’ is one of the curses of arthritic life. I hate ‘sensible’ but, like everyone else, I have to aim for it at least some of the time.

‘I just have this strange thing where I think for once it would be lovely if something good happened with my body without having to have medical help or without having to struggle and fight.’ Well, it might. My RA cleared up completely during my first pregnancy. It was fantastic. (Not during the second though. That wasn't) fantastic :roll:

Just try to go easy on yourself. This is a big thing for anyone to contemplate and it becomes much bigger when you factor in arthritis and fewer meds. I did it twice. It was tough. Bringing them up was tough, despite a helpful family. But I have never regretted it for one moment.

vwkamper

Good luck and remember that it's fun trying for a baby,
at least there's lots of positions to try that make you more comfy!

lexy

barbara12

Hi LignumVitae
What a lovely moving post..
You must be so proud of yourself, you will get there, and the emotions , it is good that you are going through them all, and get them out the way, bless it is all for such a good reason.
And I am sure there will be lots of tears of joy to come, I will be thinking about you, and wishing you well with everything xxxx

dibdab

hi Lignum Vitae,

I echo what all the others have said and wish you much joy in the trying and succeeding. A baby is more joy than words can explain, and so worth the endeavour in getting there. Keep communicating through the good stuff and the tough stuff, it's what keeps us sane, and the lovely folks here will support and understand the tears and the joys.
Every blessing, Debx

LignumVitae

Thank you all so much for such kind comments, urm, you all made me cry!!

It was coming on here in the first place and reading how so many of you have done this that helped me through the rough bits and gave me the courage to feel this was possible and not so far fetched so thank you for that.

I got quite uptight at first but then I decided this is like playing the lottery - you don't go in each week expecting to be a millionnaire but you do hope to be and trying for a baby is far more fun than queuing at the corner shop for a ticket!!

Sticky, you are correct, I should have posted something but I was so messy I couldn't articulate or understand what I was feeling. I found just coming on here helped though because it is such an understanding place and I knew that I had people around me who would understand once I could articulate without just saying 'sniffle, gulp sob'. I will ask about tablets as I have had them before and did will on lower doses, I think I get a nuclear sized dose of the injection and the peaks and troughs are a problem, particularly with work and trying to keep my lack of medication secret from people (I don't want the world to know what I am up to).

I shall let you all know how things go. It feels much easier to deal with things now I feel calmer and more rational about things (well as rational as ever). Your warm wishes mean so much to me so thank you all for taking the time to reply. I cannot believe how I stumbled across such a lovely amazing group of people...you all help me so very much. Thank you LV xx

bubbadog

Beautiful post, so it must have been you that caused all the recent floods on top of the rain! I'm a very emotional person, blimey I was sobbing through the Ruby wax programme last night about mental health! You need to focus all your attention on getting yourself in the baby way! Good luck, and I hope your pain gets down to a level you can cope with.

stickywicket

LignumVitae wrote:

Sticky, you are correct, I should have posted something but I was so messy I couldn't articulate or understand what I was feeling.

LV you must understand that I'm much better at the theory than the practice :roll: I do understand where you're coming from.

It's got to be a worrying time but, if you've made a decision, just go for it.....and keep on going for it Aren't endorphins supposed to help most stuff? Give 'em a whirl

LignumVitae

Ahhh but Sticky - at least we have the good intentions of approaching arthritis in a calm and collected manner - it's a start isn't it?!
I am trying really hard to keep my eye on the prize so all this will be worth it. I guess too, the harder you fight for something, the more you might appreciate it when it arrives (although if it happens ask me again re appreciation at 3 am when a baby is bawling and I will have no idea what to do). LV xx