Letting go

joanlawson

It's very difficult to let go of our children sometimes, even when they are adults, isn't it?
My son has just moved to live in Vancouver, and he's been there one week now. He loves the Canadian life, and he has so many opportunities for work out there, so I'm happy for him in so many ways. However, he has always lived nearby until now, so I was used to him calling in, and I always knew he was there if I needed him.
It's just beginning to sink in that he's gone now, and I'm finding it difficult to come to terms with. Thank goodness for Skype though, as at least I can see him as well as talk to him.
I know it's something he felt he had to do, and he would have regretted it if he hadn't gone, but it's very hard to let go of the apron strings.
Has anyone else been in a similar situation? I would welcome any advice/support.
Joan

dreamdaisy

This must be a very tough time for you, I am so sorry. My mum is appalled I live 120 miles away from her and is determined I should go and live with her as she won't / can't move up here. Ultimately the child has to do what is right for them, not their parents, and surely the role of the parents is to raise their children to embrace independence. Be proud of him and I wish your lad the very best and I hope he finds the life he is seeking. DD

suzygirl

That must be difficult Joan. I have a friend who lives in Canada, can't remember which part. He comes over occasionally and I see him on FB. Its a beautiful country so you will enjoy visiting.

I hope my children live close when they move out. My mom lives miles away and I miss her being local.

(((hugs))) to you Joan.

stickywicket

Oh Joan, I can so empathise. I have one in Scotland and the other in Los Angeles. (Neither could bear to live in the same county as us :roll: ) The whole job of parenthood is to raise them to be independent of us but that doesn’t mean to say we don’t feel it when it happens.

Our younger one went to a Scottish university and just stayed there. It was when the older one decided about 10 years ago to go to L.A. that we really felt it. I think it was the fact that he was on the plane when I went to bed at night and still on it when I woke up next morning that made me realise just how far away he was. I think Vancouver's West Coast too, isn't it, so probably a similar distance - about 5,000 miles?

But, as you say, skype, email and cheap phone calls make it a far different prospect to what it once would have been. We first went out there when he’d been gone 12 months and we’ve been every year since. Retirement has the advantage of being able to take advantage of cheap flights whenever they become available and, with no B&B to pay over there, we can stay as long as we like. We started off with 2 weeks and now do a month every year.

If you’ve been used to having him around it will hit hard. People commiserate with me because I don’t have either of mine – or the grandchildren – around but, when we are with them we are really with them - eating, sleeping, doing things together all the time. And there are few joys greater than the first sighting of him at the airport, followed by the first bearhug.

mig

Oh Joan i want to give you a big hug,14 years ago my eldest son got married,i cried like a baby,then he and his wife gave me two beautiful grandchildren now age 11 and 9 ,he came to call one day when the children were 5 and 3 to let us know that he was moving to the usa with the company he works with,yes i was gutted that my daughter-in-law and grandchildren were going but this was my first born ,i did my best to be pleased for them it was a fantastic oppertunity but i did break down when we had to say goodbye.my oh and i had some great holidays over there as i am sure you will when you visit.We went to Chicago where he lived for a year where we went up one of the big towers that you see on tv,he then moved to Washington dc,,i actually sat in Robert,E,Lee's house i stood next to Kennedy's grave-side and in front of the Lincoln memorial ,we went up the Washington memorial and for our ruby anniversary he took us to memphis to visit Gracelands,Washington is a great city to visit i could go on for hours.Yes you will feel the heartbreak of parting but as you know what a wonderful chance,skype is brilliant for keeping in touch.My son said to me thank goodness you don't cry everytime like his wife's mum does but he did'nt see me after the calls and does'nt know even now what i was like.Just think of the money you will save when you go on holiday,my son and his wife and chidren are now back in the uk but still live several hours away and its still not easy.I cannot offer any advise that will make it easier for you because it wont be just start saving for those fantastic holiday's you are going to have.(((((())))))

elnafinn

Oh goodness Joan. I sympathise. I would be devasted if my two left especially like you I am used to one living no distance away and the thought of not seeing them and my grandaughter like I do now, I cannot bear to think about it. My other child is in London so again not far away.

My SIL has one child in Australia now with 5 of her grandchildren, the daughter she lives now (SIL has her own place there and moved in with them soon after her husband died very suddenly) cannot wait to go to Australia too since visiting there last year and her other son will probably end up living in Canada.

She goes to visit them in Australia but loathes the travelling and does not like the Australian very hot summers. She is dreading the day her daughter up sticks with her other three grandchildren (which will be as soon as they are allowed in). The other son is not going to have children.

I cannot offer any advice except that I really feel for you.

Elna x

creakyowl

Hi Joan

I think this is a very difficult subject.

I have 4 children and I remember the first going off to Spain to University aged only 19. That is relatively near but I had just had ankle surgery and was in plaster and had to stay at home whilst my husband drove her to Salamanca. I smiled and wished her well and cried for the rest of the day once the car was out of sight. We talked on the phone, she sent cards and gifts and we went out to visit. I still couldn't quite believe she wasn't around and I missed her everyday but she is her own woman and I had spent 18 years showing her how to achieve living the life she wanted and I consoled myself with the thought I had done a pretty good job, even though it felt like a bit of an own goal!

She moved to London in January to work and I don't see her as often as I would like but she is happy, prosperous and clearly thriving and sometimes pride in their achievements gets you through the low ebbs.

My youngest son will be going in two years to University in Russia for a year. That is a very scary prospect for me but again, he is so looking forward to it and who knows, I might have the courage to go and visit.

I feel that despite what we think about giving them a sense of independence, we really hope they will take all that on board and still stay close to us, but that's a delusion. The world has opened up th them in a way it wasn't so open for us and sometimes you just have to find distraction to get through the missing them stage. Visiting them and seeing them happy is definitely the right way forward.

I wish you well in finding your own way to cope with it. I can't (and I'm sure not many can) give you a definitive answer as to how to cope, but you will and the initial pain lessens with time.

joanlawson

Many thanks for all your kind messages of support- it really does make a difference.
I'm extremely proud of my son, and I feel sure that he will enjoy his new life in Canada. I expect I will get used to him not being around in time- it's early days yet as he's only been gone a week.

DD- You are quite right that it is the role of parents to raise their children to embrace independence. Both my children ( my son and his twin sister ) have always been very independent since graduating from uni and starting their careers. I'm used to my daughter and grandchildren living in Yorkshire, a couple of hours away from me, but my son's work has always been in my area, so he's been the one nearest to me until now.

Suzygirl- I never lived near to my parents after I left home, so I can understand how they felt now. I certainly intend to visit my son in Canada, but want to give him time to settle in first.

Sticky- You know exactly how it feels with both your children and grandchildren living a long way away. That must be very tough for you, although as you say, you really make the most of the times when you are together. I mustn't feel too sorry for myself as I've just spent a lovely week on holiday with my daughter and three beautiful grand-daughters whom I see frequently.

mig- Thank you for the big hug- that's just what I need right now I'm not letting my son see that I'm upset, and didn't cry in front of him when he said goodbye. I am looking forward to going to Vancouver on holiday eventually, and my son will enjoy showing us round.

Elna- Thank you for your kindness and sympathy. It's strange but I've never had 'empty nest' syndrome previously, even though both of my twins have never lived at home since they left to go to uni at 18. At the moment, Canada seems so far away, but at least it isn't such a long journey as Australia. The longest flight I've ever done was about four hours, so I will have to get used to the longer flights.

creakyowl- Hello, and pleased to meet you. I don't think we have 'met' before. You are so right about the world opening up these days. My son works as a computer consultant, and his skills seem to be in demand all over the world. Good luck to your son when he goes to Russia, and I'm sure you will enjoy visiting him.

Joan

Colin1

Something I have not experienced Joan but I can feel your pain, its bad enough when mine go on holiday I don’t see them for a week or so

barbara12

Joan this is something I haven't had to go through, but I do feel for you,sometimes I worry that my GC may move far away one day, but like you say , you are so proud of your son, and I am sure he will take with him all the love you have given him.
Thank goodness for skyp...x

diamond

I can certainly sympathise with you Joan because no matter what age our children are we still worry about them.Maybe given time it wont seem quite as bad when you hear that he is enjoying life out there and he is happy.At the end of the day it is happiness we all wish for our children.As it is only a week i guess you are still trying to cope with a lot of emotions.I sincerley hope that as time goes by you will find it easier to adjust to your situation.I myself am lucky to have three sons who live near me but who knows what the future may bring.xxx

joanlawson

Colin- Thank you for your kind message. It's good of you to reply to me when you aren't feeling well at the moment.
My son's absence hit home last Sunday because he often used to come for Sunday lunch. It felt awful with an empty chair at the table, and it was so quiet without him.
On the other hand, he took me on a virtual tour of his apartment via Skype. He's on the 17th floor of a sky-scraper block, and when he held the computer up to the window, there was a fantastic view over Vancouver.

Barbara- I never imagined that my son would move abroad, but he's been going to Canada frequently for the past year in connection with his work. He likes the Canadian life, so decided to make the move there. He has no children, so at least he hasn't taken any of my grandchildren with him.

diamond- Yes, we never stop worrying about our children whatever their age; it comes with the territory of being a parent. I've always been well aware that we can never own our children, and they must find their own way in life. As you say, the main thing we parents want is for our children to be happy. Sometimes we have to take a back seat and let them go, but it is hard.

valval

i can not even think how hard this must have been for you but from what you post you are a lovely balanced person who i feel has bought up her children to live life to the full and embrace the chances that come there way. just remember you will be able to have nice long holidays with them and they are only a click away ((())) for you it will take some getting used to but to see how happy there are will help val

joanlawson

Thank you Val. You are very kind. My son has met a lovely Canadian lady, which is part of the attraction of moving there, so I hope he will find happiness with her. However, it's early days, so I'm not buying my hat as yet.

valval

joanlawson wrote:

Thank you Val. You are very kind. My son has met a lovely Canadian lady, which is part of the attraction of moving there, so I hope he will find happiness with her. However, it's early days, so I'm not buying my hat as yet.

no just bikini lol

joanlawson

valval wrote:

joanlawson wrote:

Thank you Val. You are very kind. My son has met a lovely Canadian lady, which is part of the attraction of moving there, so I hope he will find happiness with her. However, it's early days, so I'm not buying my hat as yet.

no just bikini lol

Bikini :?: :shock: Not till I've lost some weight :roll:

kathbee

Hi Joan

My son, his French Canadian wife and my then 2 year old grand-daughter moved to Ontario in 2002, we were most upset, so I can imagine how you feel.

Since then we have visited many times and they have been here a few times.

Like you say thank goodness for Skype.
Now my grand-daughter is 12 she skypes us a lot and its so good to keep in touch.

Not sure if I can do any more 7 hour flights though as old age and more diseases are taking over and I dread to think how my travel insurance has soared these past few yrs.

Do you think you would visit at some point although Vancouver is quite a long trek I know. I did that journey when my son got married in Vancouver in 1996, although I was fit and well then, and it was an adventure although I did get stranded in Toronto overnight on the return journey due to snow and then Heathrow overnight as it was Christmas day/boxing day, what a Christmas I had that year.

Kath

Numptydumpty

Joan I really feel for you. It is so hard when they leave home. I'm dreading my youngest leaving. We are so close and she is so caring. Of course she will go, and I will cope, but it won't be easy.
Thinking of you,
Numpty

dachshund

Hello Joan
i'm sorry it seems like that you bring them up and then they leave to carry on with their own life it you must feel lost.
i dont know i have'nt got any children.
i wsh you all the best take care and your friend how is she
joan xx

lindalegs

I know it's an old saying but if we love them we have to let them go. You love him so you've done the right thing Joan, but I really feel for you because it must hurt. I know how I would feel if it were me.

Sending you hugs.

Luv,

diamond

How are you doing tonight Joan? Sending Hugs (((( )))) .

suzygirl

Joan, my boys are younger and I haven't reached your stage yet. However I think for your son to be prepared to take this step is a testament to your good parenting. The measure of true love is being able to let go, they will come back.

(((hugs)))

joanlawson

kathbee wrote:

Hi Joan

My son, his French Canadian wife and my then 2 year old grand-daughter moved to Ontario in 2002, we were most upset, so I can imagine how you feel.

Since then we have visited many times and they have been here a few times.

Like you say thank goodness for Skype.
Now my grand-daughter is 12 she skypes us a lot and its so good to keep in touch.

Not sure if I can do any more 7 hour flights though as old age and more diseases are taking over and I dread to think how my travel insurance has soared these past few yrs.

Do you think you would visit at some point although Vancouver is quite a long trek I know. I did that journey when my son got married in Vancouver in 1996, although I was fit and well then, and it was an adventure although I did get stranded in Toronto overnight on the return journey due to snow and then Heathrow overnight as it was Christmas day/boxing day, what a Christmas I had that year.

Kath

Thank you for your kind reply. It must have been very difficult for you when your son and family moved to Canada. My son is single and has no children, so that does make it a little easier. I would be more upset if my grandchildren were so far away. I do intend to go to Vancouver to visit my son, but will let him settle in first.

joanlawson

Numptydumpty wrote:

Joan I really feel for you. It is so hard when they leave home. I'm dreading my youngest leaving. We are so close and she is so caring. Of course she will go, and I will cope, but it won't be easy.
Thinking of you,
Numpty

It isn't easy when children leave home, and you have to adjust to it somehow. My children left home a long time ago, so in a way I'm used to it, but they have always been in this country until now. That's the hard part- I can't just get in the car to see my son any more. Now it will have to be a plane instead.

joanlawson

dachshund wrote:

Hello Joan
i'm sorry it seems like that you bring them up and then they leave to carry on with their own life it you must feel lost.
i dont know i have'nt got any children.
i wsh you all the best take care and your friend how is she
joan xx

Thank you for your support, Joan.
My friend is still doing very well. She's 88 now :!:

joanlawson

Linda, Suzy, and diamond
Many thanks for taking the time and trouble to reply to me. Your support is much appreciated.
I've just been talking to my son on Skype ( 8 hours behind our time! ) It's hot weather in Vancouver today, and he looks very fit and well, so that has cheered me up.
Thanks again
Joan