I was visiting my son and daughter-in-law last night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper. 'This is the 21st century, mom,' my son said. 'We don't waste money on newspapers. Here, you can borrow my iPad.'
I can tell you, that bloody fly never knew what hit it...
husband and wife came for counselling after 15 years of marriage. When
asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful
tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 15 years they had
been married. She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness,
loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of
un-met needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.
Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time
the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife
to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately while fondling her
intimately. The woman instantly shut up and quietly sat down as though she was in a daze. The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least three times a week...... Can you do this?"
The husband thought for a moment and replied,.. "Well, I can drop her
off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I play golf."
Two Irishmen were waiting at the bus stop when a truck went past loaded up with rolls of turf. Jimmy said, “I’m gonna do dat when I win da lottery.”
“What's dat den?” asks Mikey. “Send me lawn away to be mowed."
A bride on her wedding night says to her husband 'I must confess darling, I was a hooker!'.
He says 'That's all right, dear. Your past is your past, but I must admit that I find it quite erotic. Tell me about it'.
She replies 'Well, my name was Nigel, and I played for Wigan !'.
A chicken farmer went to a local bar…sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne. The woman perks up and says “How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne too!” “What a coincidence” the farmer says “This is a special day for me…I am celebrating.” “This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating!” says the woman. “What a coincidence!” says the farmer as they clinked glasses the man asked “What are you celebrating?” “My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my gynaecologist told me that I am pregnant!” “What a coincidence”, say the man. “I’m a chicken farmer and for years all of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying fertilized eggs.” “That’s great!” says the woman, “How did your chickens become fertile?” “I used a different ****”, he replied. The woman smiled and said. “What a coincidence
Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
The only cow in a small town in Scotland stopped giving milk.
The town folk found they could buy a cow in Wales quite
cheaply. They brought the cow from Wales and it was wonderful,
produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy.
They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows, so they'd
never have to worry about their milk supply again.
They put the bull in the pasture with the cow but whenever
the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away.
No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move
away from the bull and he was never able to do the deed..
The people were very upset and decided to go the Vet, who
was very wise, tell him what was happening and ask his
advice. "Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away.
If he approaches from the back, she moves forward, they said
When he approaches her from the front, she backs off.
If he attempts from the one side, she walks away to the
other side. "The Vet rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered this
before asking, "Did you by chance, buy this cow in Wales ?"
The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned
that they had brought the cow over from Wales .
"You are truly a wise Vet," they said.
"How did you know we got the cow from Wales ?
"The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye,
"My wife is from Wales "
A 7 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom.
'You know what?' says the 7 year old, 'I think it's about time we started
swearing.' The 4 year old nods his head in approval, so the 7 year old says, 'When we
go downstairs for breakfast I'm gonna swear first, then you swear after me,
ok?' 'Ok' the 4 year old, agrees with enthusiasm..
The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 7 year old what he wants for
breakfast. 'Oh, **** mum, I don't know, I suppose I'll have some Coco Pops'
WHACK!! He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor, got up,
and ran upstairs crying his eyes out. She looked at the 4 year old and asked with
a stern voice, ' And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?'
'I don't know,' he blubbers, 'but it won't be fooking Coco Pops'
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table. My wife asked, 'Do you know her?' 'Yes,' I sighed, shes my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'
A cabbie picks up a Nun.
She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop
staring at her.
She asks him why he is staring.
He replies: 'I have a question to ask, but I don't want to offend you.'
She answers, 'My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.'
'Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.'
Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic.'
The cab driver is very excited and says, 'Yes, I'm single and Catholic!'
'OK' the nun says. 'Pull into the next alley.'
The nun fulfills his fantasy, with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.
But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
'My dear child,' says the nun, 'why are you crying?'
'Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish.'
The nun says, 'That's OK.
My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party.
I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... he was a DWARF!!!
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!!!'
So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'
A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'
The winter Boots
(Anyone who has ever dressed a child will love this)
Did you hear about the teacher who was helping one of her reception class pupils put on his boots? He asked for help and she could see why. Even with her pulling and him pushing, the little boots still didn't want to go on. By the time they got the second boot on, she had worked up a sweat.
She almost cried when the little boy said, 'Teacher, they're on the wrong feet. ' She looked, and sure enough, they were. It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as, together, they worked to get the boots back on, this time on the right feet.
He then announced, 'These aren't my boots.'
She bit her tongue, rather than get right in his face and scream, 'Why didn't you say so?' But once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet. No sooner were the boots off when he said, 'They're my brother's boots. My Mum made me wear 'em.'
Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry. But she mustered up what grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again.
Helping him into his coat, she asked, 'Now, where are your mittens?
'He said, 'I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots.'
She will be eligible for parole in three years.
WHEN GOD GIVES YOU LEMONS MAKE LEMONADE