Meeting People with Arthritis

Mike2012

Hi

I'm 26 and have been suffering with Arthritis now for 8 yrs with treatment.
I have been through all the depressing times and still feel low sometimes when i do things that should be easy but im in alot of pain and get tired to easy.

I sometimes try to forget ive got Arthritis to join in with things or usually end up not doing it or paying for it for 1-3 days after.

I've had 3 failed serious relationships but they just dont understand the things im going through, all the hospital appointments, all the different drugs i have to take and then putting up with me when im down.

When you meet people for the first time and think its difficult to let them know of the problems you have, or you hide from meeting people beuase of the problems you have.

I dont know how it would be done but i think it would be worthwhile trying to organise something where people of all ages with the same conditions can meet up. I know they have meeting you can go to, to discuss your problems, but think something needs to be done for socialising.

Thanks

Mike

tillytop

Hi Mike

I don't know if you have a local branch of Arthritis Care anywhere near you? I'm not sure what type of arthritis you have but, if it's RA, I know that the National Rheumatoid Arthritis Society have a network of local support groups - you will probably find the information on the NRAS website.

Just a thought.

Tillyxxx

elsa56

I know exactly how you feel because to look at us we have no injury to see.
It does take a long time to come to terms with all this, and like you I do things that I suffer alot of pain for days after. There are alot of very understanding people in the world and it may take time but the right person is out there for you, who will understand.
xx

Soretoe2

Hi Mike, very sorry to hear your story. It is a common one with anyone who has a difficult conditon to live with, not just arthritis.
There are lots of organisations out there that offer help and support. You need to look what there is locally and go along and see how it goes.
Your local paper/library/Citizens Advice Bureau may be able to help you.
Also if you have a particular interest you could join the relevent club for it.
Just say when you first go along that you have Arthritis and it limits you a bit but you really want to be part of it. People are usually fine with this, you may even find there are already other members there with similar problems already.
I've lived with it for neary 60 years. Met a lovely man and had a family. He knew from the begining what he was taking on ( well it may have turned out a bit more than he realised!!) and has been my rock for 40 years now.
There is life with arthritis, a bit of compromise is needed sometimes but you can have a fulfilling life. You may just have to be more patient than 'normals' (I HATE saying that) have to.
You need to be be brave and always come straight out with the fact that you have arthritis. If you get a negative response move on. You will find that some people will actually be very interested and ask you lots of questions. Be prepared for this and don't shy away. You may surprise yourself, being open with people will help them know you for who you are and you will be more relaxed about it all.
Have you thought about voluntary work? It can be anything from a couple of hours a week upwards. Many organisations are crying out for voluntary help and having arthritis is not a bar to helping other people, by doing this you will find you are helping yourself.
I hope you feel better about yourself soon as your confidence has been dented a bit by your experiences.
Please keep on trying to meet people, don't give up.
Let us know how you get on. Take care of yourself .Joy

frogmorton

I have been to our local branch of arthritiscare. there were lots of folks there, but the majority were older Mike.

Having said that some areas have groups for younger people too. Have a quick look on the main arthritis care pages on the map click on your area.

The right person will not be put of at all by extra health issues - if they are then they didn't deserve YOU!

Love

Toni x

stickywicket

As others have said, there are Arthritis Care meetings all over the country. Also, have you thought of PHAB who exist to bring physically handicapped and able-bodied people together socially? A spot of googling should reveal more about them and where they are.

I was just the opposite when young. The last thing I wanted to do was mix socially with other arthritics. I wanted to get right away from it as much as possible. It does involve a lot of explanations at times but those who walk away because they can't deal with your arthritis are no great loss in my opinion.

barbara12

Hi Mike
Like the others have said it can be difficult for partners with most illnesses, I suppose its a waiting game to meet someone , I always think it is harder on the ones that haven't got it.
I do hope you meet someone very soon, if I was you I would try and join in some sought of lessons ie painting.. photography..I know its easier said then done ..good luck with it

Mike2012

Hi I do get involved with things I play in brass band keeps my fingers moving!!!! Thanks for you replies

LignumVitae

Hi Mike,

Been working up to making this response...arthritis does impact in some ways on relationships. I stayed in a bad bad relationship for quite some time because I had developed lots of fear and issues around my health. I allowed that to devalue me and believed that nobody would want me or my broken body. I finally got the guts to move on and I did. It was the best thing I ever did. I dated people and met people and had lots of fun and quickly realised that most people couldn't give two hoots about arthritis, it was me they were interested in. Mr LV came along and I was open from the start, we got married and there were times and still are, when he struggles to keep up with and understand arthritis. I even posted on here for ideas how to bring him in on it. We haven't got it perfect but we are getting there and he can see I'm in control (as much as you can be).
I remember meeting the first person my age I'd ever met with arthritis, we were both researchers and I still remember the buzz, if that's the right word, I felt from finding out that I wasn't alone, that others had problems too and they were similar to mine, that said, I think there are many non arthritic people out there with problems too. I once dated a very beautiful man who very early on decided to confess he had had skin cancer and had a huge scar on his back, that clearly was his 'oh my nobody will love me' glitch just as arthritis was mine. I couldn't give a hoot about his scar and gave him several more interesting explanations for it than cancer (shark attack, falling from a chandelier onto a suit of armour etc etc).
Yes mixing with arthritics can be helpful in finding familiarity (I find this site does that and much more) but arthritis isn't the only cross to bear and most people have something so go out there and be you because arthritis is only a tiddly bit of you. Blow your own trumpet (literally it would seem) and let people know the amazing person you are, the ones who are worth it will see you for more than your crooked wobbly shaky sore ouchy down moments! I'm still in touch with mr shark bite, we always ask about each others health but we also ask about more important things like life, gossip and giggles!
LV xx

stickywicket

Brilliant observations, LV. That answer should be bottled and re-played regularly.

As a matter of interest, were you totally sober when you came up with the chandelier/suit of armour explanation If so - deep respect. If not - I suspected as much

LignumVitae

Of course not Sticky!

Petitesse

I think most people like to meet others with the same struggles to be comforted in knowing they are not alone. I like this forum for that reason.
Having said that, I think it is important to not feel defined by whatever condition we have. And that can be difficult.

I used to be on a dating site that also had a debate forum. It was very clear that people with any kind of 'condition' blamed their condition for not having a partner. The overweight people were expressing how upsetting it was that nobody wanted an overweight person as a partner. The people on early retirement claimed that nobody wanted them for that reason etc.

Allthough I am sure that the competition on a dating site can be hard, I am not sure these people were always right in their assumptions. Acceptance of ones condition and ones attitude about it can make a huge difference. But easier said than done off course.

When I was at arthritis rehab I spent a whole month with people with the same condition. It was fun to meet them, but I had zero in common with them - only the illness.
One day we were talking about the possibilities to continue our exercise programs, like swimming, after rehab. They all agreed it would be impossible because in a 'normal' pool they would be the only ones with arthritis.
I was clueless about what they meant. "If I go in the pool, wadafook do I care what's wrong with anybody else?"
I think they interpreted this statement as if I was antisocial and didn't care about other people. But I actually meant the opposite. I would hope they were all fine and painfree. Why would it help ME in any way that the others were hurting too?
One of the guys said that if the others weren't in pain, then they would look at him and wonder why he was so slow or why he needed special aid. I thought this was strange since he actually didn't need any special aid? And having 'arthur' doesn't mean he is being made to walk in with a clowns nose and a polkadot umbrella. But being very selfconscious about it probably makes it feel that way.
The bottom line is that they all thought of themselves as 'Arthur'. Not John and Helen etc. And that was really sad.

I think most people like to socialise with people who are genuine. And the best way to be genuine is to fight being too selfconscious and just be open about it. People can deal with a lot of things if they just know what to expect. Ironically enough also when it means they can't really expect anything at all.
'See you if I see you' is my new motto

PS: I love your story about Mr. Shark bite, LV

frogmorton

Petitesse!

Well-said!!!

What a great response A different angle from Lignumv's, but both making some excellent points

I have met some gteat people on here and via here (2 I meet pretty regularly as they live v close by). I value the time spent with them - that total understanding and no need to explain at all.....sigh but I also value my friends from 'before'.

Nicely put

thanks

Toni xxx

(think l might be saying balance is the answer)

Nicchick

Ha ha!

I'm late for work but browsing through the replies made me chuckle...Mr Nicchick has RA but that isn't why we are together! We were/are neighbors and I had fancied him for years but we were just on friendly terms, saying hello when we were out with our dogs etc. I even once gave him a business card with my number on it but he thought I was touting for business - I sell haberdashery and yarns, he's a big, butch fella with tattoos...we finally got together at a friend's party when we were both drunk and were sat down next to each other while everyone else was dancing....

We still argue and moan at each other despite having a slight understanding of each other's conditions but as he often says he has no real idea how I feel nor I he we just get on and have a laugh together! It upsets him as much as anyone else to see me hurting and it's just as upsetting for me to know that he yearns to run and play football again. I think I would still feel the same about that even if I didn't have arthritis.

We do sometimes cite 'having a bad leg' as an excuse to not put the kettle on but even his lodger does that and he's fit and healthy....or so we thought until he really did have a bad leg, he fractured it playing footy the week before!

We both spent a lot of time on datesites meeting some nice people and I've got some really good friends who couldn't give a monkeys that I'm a bit hobbly and creaky - one of my male friends (a very handsome, charming and interesting chap) recently confessed to wishing that we had met before as he found me so attractive and exciting....how funny!

I think I'm trying to say the same as everyone else on here - stop seeing yourself through other people's eyes and assuming they wont like what you think they are seeing.

Voluntary work sounds like a great idea to me and OH used to meet a lot of people at the gym which was totally clued up about his abilities and health issues.

Enough waffling from me...welcome BTW Nic x

stickywicket

Blimey! This is turning into a really philosophical thread. Thanks LV and now Petitesse. I think you're spot on. We are individuals who have arthritis. It doesn't own us or define us unless we allow it to.

Petitesse, I'm sure you're right that many (not you, Mike2012) would be tempted to use their arthritis, other chronic disease etc as an excuse for all the other things that go wrong in their lives and this is attitude is every bit as limiting as arthritis itself. "How can I?" will always achieve more than "I can't."

Mike2012

Has anyone had fowlers procedure done on their feet? Surgeon at hospital wants to do it on my left foot but I'm not sure if I should have it done?

alisunny

Have strangely been thinking a lot about this recently.

having being diagnoised only a year ago and being only 28 I too have wanted just to speak and meet with people my own age to discuss issues, or just to go for a coffee and have a chat, thinking that they may be able to understand more, to advice more or just listen. Sometimes my friends find it hard when I talk about the condition as they say thay they never know what to say.

Relationships are funny things - I have had a quick glance over some of the replies - since being diagnoised I havent been in a serious relationship. I am just about to move and sort out things and hopefully meet new people and as corny and old fashioned and tacky as it sounds - I believe that when you find the 'one' - the condition and everything that comes with it wont matter at all

Ali x

Nicchick

Hi Ali!

I agree with you in believing that when you meet someone that is ok for you then it wont matter...I have found that I have had a pretty even spread of blokes who would want to look after me but realise that it could be hard work (I'm hard work!) and blokes who are scared of it all but too polite to just go so hang about for a (considered) decent amoount of time and then skedaddle. I joke that OH can't run away and even if he did even I could catch him! He can't scare me off by proposing as he can't get down on his knee to do so...

I fancied my OH waaaay before I had any idea that I had any arthritic problems although I did know he had some and we have a laugh and I suppose it does make it easier that we have a little understanding, not too alarmed by the drug stash in the kitchen cupboard and know what all the abbreviations mean...

Good luck with the move and all that pallaver, nice to *meet* you on here! I find Twitter a great place to *meet* other people like us and maybe take the heat off the real life mates you come across - even OH has banned 'bone talk' for now!

Nic x

valval

i think it they way the world works at the moment that it hard to find a stable relationship if you are fit and well i only have to look at the number of near misses my oldest has had and he is fit and healthy in paid work and would give you the shirt off his back but it has not been easy as i told him there is some one out there for him it a matter of finding them i think he might have this time but time will tell.
all relationsships take time and effort on both sides it never easy and never smooth road you have to have good look at your self and ask your self are you putting enough of your self into the relationship and do they love you for who you are do not go for half measures it will never last good luck val