A fairytale wedding- but in dire need of help!

katekelly

Yes right Folks I'm going to a fairytale wedding in a bona fide castle! Warwick Castle no less and I've been asked to do a reading! Get me! My friend is Canadian and decided that it was time she should marry her long term boyfriend but the dilemma was where? Here or Canada? So she went back and told her folks they were planning on doing it and her parents said ok do it in England but it had better be in a castle! So it is!!
So I've got a gorgeous redcurrant lace dress with black accessories-sorry I know you guys are bored now but I have a dilemma and I'm sure you may be able to help me out or at least find it hilarious - ladies you'll feel my 'pain'. So beautiful dress, all the accessories, and 2days before - a sigmoidoscopy!! Now for those who don't know what it is , to put it in plain language and if you're offended I'm sorry-I'm having a camera up my bum! So 2 days before procedure special diet, day of procedure enema and a camera where the sun don't shine ,2 days after posh wedding in a castle where I have to do a reading. Well I've had a sigmoidoscopy before and it's no big deal but the wind afterwards is!
So how do I walk up the aisle without playing my own version of the Trumpet Voluntary as accompaniment ? Should I ask for background music to drown out any unfortunate sounds of my own? Should I insert a cork? What? I am getting desperate here for advice.
The only positive about having it done before the wedding having eaten a restricted diet and having had an enema at least I'll have a nice flat belly in my posh frock!!

creakyowl

Hi Kate

If it's 2 days before you should be fine. Any "tootin" will have passed, if you get my meaning and yes, you should have a flat abdomen.

Go and enjoy in your posh frock!

Creaky

Numptydumpty

Well Kate, I would do what I always do when one slips out, that is, look around accusingly, and let someone else take the glory. Failing that, could you take a dog with you?
I wish you luck with it.
Numpty

stickywicket

I've not done a sigmoidoscopy but I've done a colonoscopy and barium enema and I can't say I remember the Trumper Involuntary business.

I suggest you ask the organist, if there is one, to apply the deep base loud pedal - known in the trade as 'the fart pedal'.

numptynora

Hi Kate, I know first hand what you'll be going through, I had to have a colostomy bag quite some years ago, I had no control over the farts so I refused go out of the house and got more and more depressed, eventually I did succumb and went to the shops with a friend, she was talking with an assistant while I was looking 'very interested' at some jewelery when all of a sudden my bag decided to play it's version of 'God save the queen' the only thing I could think of to apologise was to say I'm terribly sorry but I have an appliance. I'm sure you will have more control but if you can, maybe pop one out with the beat of the organ.
Good luck
Numps x

very quietly though if you can

joanlawson

I would look very accusingly at the best man, Kate. Everyone knows how nervous he will be feeling in case he loses the ring, and with having to give a speech at the reception later. Consequently, they will all forgive him for the Trumpet Voluntary.

Don't do what I did at my wedding though. I sang a solo unintentionally when I chimed in with the organist's introduction to the first hymn. Then out of the corner of my eye I noticed that my husband-to-be was shaking his head at me, trying to stop me, and I thought for a minute that he was having second thoughts about getting married :roll:

Good luck with the sigmoidoscopy, and good luck with the wedding.

bubbadog

Kate, as creakyowl said you should be past the' horn' stage by the wedding day! I've had quite a few Sigmoidoscopies! and your very own bagpipes only last at the latest 24hrs. The swollen tummy may still be there, you could buy some magic knickers to cover that. Try and relax and enjoy the day. It sounds like it's going to be magical day.

fowls48

Kate i'm sorry i have never had procedure done to me before but have laughed all the way through this thread , I'm sure everything will be ok on the day .
Have a fantastic time and try not to worry to much .

karen xx

katekelly

Bubba dog,
I have got the biggest and best pair of magic knickers for the day. They are by Playtex and are guaranteed to taken inch off your thighs, hips and belly! I just need to work out where I'm gonna put the other excess 3feet of flab!! The thing is the knickers push some fat up so I can't decide whether they make my already ample bosom look like it belongs in a porn film or whether I suddenly develop 4 chins rather than the usual 2! Which ever, I have decided that distraction is called for so I'm going to Birmingham to buy the biggest hat ever! Got visions of looking like thing out of the Adams Family! Still that's gotto be better than Uncle Fester right???
Love Kate x