Humerous Extracts

villier

Mixed Humorous Letters
Extracts from letters sent to a council housing office - Part 3

"I am writing on behalf of my sink which is coming away from the wall."

"It is the dog mess that I find hard to swallow."

"50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and 50% are plain filthy."

"Will you please send a man to look at my water; it is a funny colour and not fit to drink."

"Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third, so please send someone round to do something about it."

Humorous Letters To A Pensions And Insurance Office
This time we have extracts from genuine funny letters sent to a Pensions and Insurance Office:

"I cannot get sick pay. I have six children. Can you tell me why this is?"

"This is my eighth child. What are you doing about it?"

"Mrs. Brown has no clothes and has not had any for a year. The vicar has been visiting her."

"In reply to your letter. I have already co-habited with your office, so far without result."

"I am forwarding my marriage certificate and two children, one of which is a mistake as you will see."

"Sir, I am glad to say my husband, reported missing, is now dead."

"Unless I get my husband's money I shall be forced to lead an immoral life."

"I am writing these lines for Mrs. Green who cannot write herself. She expects to be confined next week and can do with it."

"I have enclosed my marriage certificate and six children. I have some and one died, which was baptised on a half sheet of paper by the Rev. Thomas."

"Please find out if my husband is dead, as the man I am now living with won't eat or do anything until he is sure."

"In answer to your letter I have given birth to a little boy weighing ten pounds. Is this satisfactory?"

"You have changed my little girl into a little boy. Will this make any difference."

"Please send my money at once as I have fallen into errors with my landlord."

"I have no children as my husband is a bus driver and works all day and all night."

"In accordance with your instructions I have given birth to twins in the enclosed envelope."

"I want money as quick as you can sent it. I have been in bed with my doctor all week and he does not seem to be doing me any good."

"Milk is wanted for my baby as the father is unable to supply it."

"Regarding your enquiry the teeth in the top are alright but the ones in the bottom are hurting terribly."

dreamdaisy

Thanks villier, I needed a giggle and that provided it! It's daft isn't it, the things we say and write thinking they're OK but not realising how someone else will see or hear it! My favourite one comes from the Goon Show: I opened the door in my pyjamas - that's a funny place to keep a door. DD

PS Anyhoo, why do people say they're 'under the doctor'?

wall1409

Brilliant x

fowls48

stickywicket

Thank you, Marie. What a tonic! I couldn't read half of them for the tears distorting my vision. I know I have some 'Church' ones somewhere and I'll look them up. These were wonderful.

barbara12

Thanks a lot for this....I needed a tonic on this dark wet day

stickywicket

OK, I found 'em. Not as good as yours, Marie, but still better than meds.

REAL CHURCH NOTICES/BULLETINS

1. Don't let worry kill you. Let the Church help.

2. Thursday night - pot luck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.

3. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our Church and community.

4. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

5. The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of the Rev and Mrs. Julius Belzer.

6. This afternoon there will be a meeting in the south and north ends of the church. Children will be baptised at both ends.

7. Wednesday, the Ladies Liturgy Society will meet. Mrs. Jones will sing Put Me In My Little Bed accompanied by the Pastor.

8. Thursday at 5pm there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers' Club. All wishing to become Little Mothers, please see the minister in his private study.

9. This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.

10. The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the church basement Friday.

11. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

12. Weight Watchers will meet at 7pm at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

13. Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.

14. Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

15. The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.

16. Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan in preparing for the girth of their first child.

17. The association minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours".




TAKEN FROM ROYAL NAVY AND MARINES FITNESS REPORTS

1. His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of curiosity.

2. I would not breed from this officer.

3. When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change whichever foot was previously in there.

4. He would be out of his depth in a car park puddle.

5. This young lady has delusions of adequacy.

6. Since my last report he has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.

7. She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

8. He has the wisdom of youth and the energy of old age.

9. This man is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

villier

Thanks Sticky they were great had to repair the mascara