Big flare up sounding off alert

applerose

I've not been on here for a few weeks so trying to catch up with the posts.Hope you don't mind if I sound off a bit too.

I got told a few weeks ago that 2 of my exes were back from abroad so I was tiptoeing around not wanting to bump in to them. One went back to Spain, where he lives, after a week without me coming across him. My ex-husband, who has been out of the country for 18 years, has decided he is missing his family and has rented a house in the same street where I work. He was very abusive to my children and me when we were together so I feel as if I don't want him anywhere near my children or my grandchildren but it's no longer up to me.

My boss's dad, who has been suffering from cancer for 3 years, died last week. I go to his house for a couple of hours each week to do some cleaning for him and his wife. They are around 80. Seeing him lose so much weight and become so frail when he used to be very active, brought back all the memories of watching my mam dying from emphysema a year and a half ago. The funeral was this morning. My job is housekeeper to his son so it has been difficult seeing the family upset.

My two sisters have completely fallen out with my brother over the fact that they feel he doesn't visit or do enough for my dad. They even ignored him in front of my dad so he has asked me what is going on.
Dad has been complaining of back ache and on Sunday said he had chest pains. My sister, who lives next door, called the doctor who called an ambulance. It turned out to be a chest infection but they also found his blood sugar levels were sky high. He has diabetes and now has to inject insulin. Problem is, his memory has got so bad, he injected himself 3 times on the first day so my sister has had to take all his medication to her house and take it in as he needs it. The doctor asked him a couple of questions and said there is nothing wrong with his memory but the nurse has said it is so bad, he shouldn't be allowed out of the house on his own in case he forgets where he is. He had also left a frying pan with bacon in it on the gas all night because he forgot about it.

My niece started having headaches which panicked my sister because her 4 year old daughter complained of headaches and died less than a year later with a brain tumour. Just found out this evening that she is ok.
My daughter is unhappy at the moment. They live in Dublin and she had her second baby 6 weeks ago. She feels her husband is doing next to nothing to help out while she is feeding the baby every 2 hours and seeing to an 18 month old and doing all the housework. She doesn't even get out of the house.

All this stress is causing flare-ups. I hurt everywhere and am getting pains shooting down my arms and legs. And I feel soooo tired all the time, almost falling asleep at work. Sorry for going on a bit but feel I need to let off a bit of steam. Think I'd better sign off now and go to bed. My fingers are very swollen now.

numptynora

Oh my goodness me, poor you, I'm afraid I haven't got any advise for you but I am sending you positive thoughts and energy. I'm sure some one will be along with some good advice soon.

Take care
Numps x

dreamdaisy

Oh dear, that is a lot to contend with, I feel for you. I have no wise words or advice but please don't allow yourself to become too bogged down by other people's problems which are part and parcel of their lives, not yours (especially in the case of your daughter, that is what women do). Your priority is your Dad and your sisters - do they live close to you or no? Generally care for older parents tends to fall on daughters rather than sons, that is the way of the world. Men view care in a very different way to women (I'm aware that's a sweeping generalisation before everyone starts jumping up and down) and sometimes they cannot handle the reality of what is befalling a parent. Your dad does not sound good but that could just be the shock of the diabetes diagnosis.

Make sure you get the time you need for you. As for the ex, did he try to keep in touch with the children or not? DD

applerose

Thank you for your replies Numps and DD. I am feeling a little better today. I am trying to let other people's problems be their problems and not mine which is helping.
Dad has had diabetes for about 2 years and has managed it with diet up until last weekend. One of my sisters lives next door. My other sister and I live 2 bus journeys away but we were visiting today. My sister asked if he had done his blood sugar test. He couldn't remember so done it again. When asked what the number was he said he'd put the tester down, the number had gone off and he couldn't remember what it was. He decided to do it yet again but couldn't even remember how to use it. The sister who does most of the looking after him told us she had gone with him to see the GP about his memory and twice on the way, he was wondering why he had gone out in the cold and twice he asked where he had parked the car. They had gone in a taxi. When they went in to see the doctor, he didn't know why he was there. The doctor had been told previously about dad's memory so he asked him a few questions. Dad answered correctly all but what date it was, and then said there was nothing wrong. The nurse, however, said she thought it was Alzeimers and is going to try and arrange for him to go to a memory clinic. My sisters are hinting that it might be a good idea if he moves in with me as I am the only one with a spare room and no kids. Don't know if that would be good for dad and I really don't know if I could look after him. It would mean giving up work and I know this disease can make the sufferers violent. I definitely couldn't manage that. Anyway, we still have a lot to discuss once he has been properly diagnosed and we have all the information we need.
My kids did actually move to be closer to their dad because he said he would buy them cars and put them through the best university. He didn't do any of that. He did have my son work for him but didn't pay him any wages. He once set fire to the house where his new wife and my daughter were. As the kids have got older, they have learned what sort of person he is. I don't know why they want to keep in contact with him. They have phoned him every few months. I guess he's their dad no matter what he's done. This is another thing I have to leave up to my kids to decide. Nothing has changed between me and them or me and my grandkids so that's what's important to me.
Sorry, I have rambled on a bit again.

stickywicket

You are under extreme stress, applerose, and no wonder. We all know that arthritis feeds on stress and that's not good.

You will worry about your daughter because that's what we Mums do. It must be a stressful time for her, too, but, with luck, they will sort things out. A new baby invariably turns all routines on their head and it takes time to sort out what's what.

You Dad's memory problems sound serious whatever the GP said. However, I just don't see how you could look after him. It would be difficult and very stressful right now but that would only be the start of it. There is more to looking after an elderly person with memory problems than just having a spare room. Get a diagnosis before any decisions are made.

Remember to look after yourself in all this, applerose. Your health is important too.

bubbadog

applerose, what can I say, wow it's like your trying to keep several plates spinning and there are too many to keep spinning and the more you add the more that come crashing down! You are sick and you can't keep dealing with stress because it will cause flare up's. You need to think of number one for a change!! Hope you can see light at the end of the tunnel.

applerose

Thank you Sticky and Bubba. I woke up feeling a bit better about things. I know my sister is under stress doing most of the looking after of my dad but, after talking to my son and daughter and some friends, I know i have to say no to looking after my dad full-time. You are right Sticky about there being more to it than having a spare room. I know I can't handle it, at least not for long.
My daughter will either get things sorted out or she won't. My biggest fear is that they are planning to move to the other side of the world so, if things do go very wrong, she's on her own. But then again, it's her choice.

As for my ex. Well I don't know if it's Xmas spirit creeping in but I don't feel so threatened by him today. I have spent the afternoon with my son, his wife and my granddaughter which was lovely and it made me realise, they will always be my family and my ex can't take that away.

Yes Bubba, it did feel a bit like spinning plates but I think writing it all down and knowing there are people on here who are prepared to listen helps a lot. Thank you.