We felt as though we were intruding.

dreamdaisy

Today me, 'im indoors and my BIL went to their late mother's house to scatter her ashes in the same place where they put my late FIL. The house was dark, cold and somehow forlorn. Her house plants are fading, all her ornaments etc suddenly became very full of meaning, if not poignancy. I shed a tear or five, the brothers were stoical but tense.

BIL dug a small hole and Husband matter-of-factly scattered her. The clod of earth was replaced and we wandered round the garden in the bright sunshine. Her fig tree is bursting with small figs which will come to naught, there were bright colourful leaves everywhere and I'm sure all her solar ornaments will sparkle away tonight.

But the house was the strangest. Her reading glasses were next to her armchair, her bookmark in the latest Rankin which she had been reading, the telly guide open for September 28, the day she had the first stroke (we feel sure she had another in hospital on the Sunday afternoon). It was just as she left it, not expecting to be taken ill, not expecting to be going to hospital, not expecting to die within a few days. I found a musical box I had never seen before (this was after I liberated a childhood photo of Mr DD and BIL that I wanted to keep) and the boys both told me they remembered the tune - it was her musical cigarette box harking back to the late sixties when she smoked menthols.

A life has ended and there is sorting and clearing to be done but not just yet. She's back at home and should be allowed to have a few peaceful days there, if not some weeks. To me that somehow seems fitting. DD

barbara12

DD this is by far the hardest thing you and OH will have to do, when I emptied my mum and dads house, I felt like I was snooping through there private things , it was awful but had to be done, like you say there is time....you take care xx

villier

You are absolutely right DD she is back home now and at rest, you will know within yourself when the time is right, you just know when you will feel strong enough to do it............tc...............Marie xx

stickywicket

I found that very touching and moving, DD. Not overly sentimental but genuine with all the bitter/ sweet messiness of real life - and death.

She's had a good family who have given her the best possible. It's the end of a chapter, and an era. I hope you can all have some peace now.

applerose

I found this very touching too. I think there is no reason why you can't leave the sorting out till later. Marie is right. You will know when you feel up to doing it. Your MIL and FIL are together again. It's a lovely idea to let them have some peace together for a few days.

tjt6768

my Dearest Daisy..
I have no words really, other than.. I understand.. Every day objects still in the same place they left them, awaiting use... It's a very very sad task.. I would offer a prayer but that's not my thing, you are without doubt firmly in my thoughts hun.
Xxxx

LignumVitae

DD, that was beautiful, moving and so true and honest. It does feel like you are intruding when you step into somebody's life like that, I will never forget going into my Grandpa's house the night he had died and my Dad and I feeling just the same, he'd left all those little things around too, his glass for his whisky was out, ready and waiting to be filled. You aren't intruding but it does feel that way, I think having a few weeks to let things settle is a really good idea, it lets her settle back into her new place in her old world too.

constable

Oh DD

I am so sorry for your loss. The house will be fine for you and hubby to leave till you are good and ready. As someone else has said...it is the end of an era. I must say as I read this I was choking up. And I think it was Barbara who said this will be the hardest thing you all have to do.

My heart goes out to you and your family.

bubbadog

DD, I know exactly how that must have felt, I was doing that just a couple of years ago and it took me straight back. We where doing that with Dad's (DIL) ashes. He wanted to be scattered with MIL's Ashes at the top of their houses garden. It was nice in some ways and so final in others. We (My OH, my BIL and SIL) sorted the house out not long after the funneral, I don't know why we did it then I think it was because we where running on auto pilot still and just did it then? We packed everything up in boxes, and took what we wanted to keep as memories. I remember that day well because it was the day I totally burned out, I collapsed. I got so upset because I couldn't physically do anymore and that upset me and it all came flooding out.
There isn't a right day to go and sort the house of a passed family member, just make sure you have had plenty of phyisical and emotional rest before you do it as it will zap all your energy and leave you empty when it's done. Take care and remember I'm here if you need to chat. ((((HUGS)))).

dreamdaisy

Thank you everyone, you are very kind. I felt something similar when my dad died and I had to go into his garage to find something and I discovered a full bottle of whisky in his left wellie. He wasn't a drinker but obviously needed somewhere to store it and that was the chosen place. Ten years later it's still there.

The brothers have to decide what to do about the house but that's all on hold until the new year. It's probably the wrong time to start marketing a place (and it has to be cleared first) plus I've got the CT surgery next week so we'll leave things as they are. We are finding our Saturday mornings very strange, for eleven years they have been organised around taking his mum shopping, him doing ours too and then staying for lunch so we knew she had eaten. Now he doesn't have to go shopping and I have to do lunch. :shock: It's weird. DD

jillyb1

DD , love and hugs to you and Mr DD , thinking of you . Jillyb

knuckleduster

Hello DD. I agree, it's hard sorting out your loved ones belongings and also deciding what to keep. When we cleared my Dad's house, I felt everything we threw away was part of his life.

Mum went first and a very strange thing happened. Her grandchildren had given her a novelty clock which she kept on the mantlepiece - the clock stopped at the exact time she died in hospital. Obviously the batteries had gone flat, but Dad never did put new batteries in as he didn't want to touch it.

Best wishes to you and Mr DD.

Janet xx

gilly1957

DD, going there must of been difficult and upsetting, Just to let you know that your in my thoughts x

ShulaArcher

DD - That's one of the most poignant and moving descriptions I've ever read. Very much makes me think of mortality. Lots of thoughts going out to you

Shula

Christimay

That was so heartwarming to read, the love,care,thought and feeling you so freely described was so touching it always hurts so bad to loose a loved one but they loved us first and showed what love was xxtake carexx

Numptydumpty

That is very touching DD.

(((())))
Numpty