How do you deal with everyone having an opinion?!

LignumVitae

My mother to be precise. She doesn't work and does little to occupy her time meaning if something happens to either my brother or I we joke (half joke) that which ever one it is has become 'the project'.

I've been advised a zillion times by midwives to keep my exercise light. Not surprisingly carrying twins at virtually 18 weeks is taking a toll on my back. That said, I'm still maintaining a good amount of light exercising. I'm walking and up muddy hills at that. My mother has just given Mr LV a long lecture on how I need a blasted maternity belt (I find anything around the bump terribly uncomfy), that I'm being lazy and need to build muscles not waste them. My mother is a proper drama queen so telling her to butt out is not an option. Having her keep interfering isn't either though as I will lose my temper eventually and thus play to the drama queen's best role of hurt martyr.

Any suggestions on how to deal would be gratefully received! I just want to get these two and me safely through the next few months and I think the midwives might be more in the know than most on how I do that but I feel guilty for some strange reason that I'm failing to meet expectations. I don't know why!

dreamdaisy

I don't know your mum (and I've never been pregnant) but she sounds somewhat similar to mine in that she has an opinion on everything whether she's experienced stuff or not. Mr DD pointed out to me that he thought my mum was jealous of my work (I'm self-employed), my self-confidence (all a sham but why shirk things thagt have to be done?) and my wide circle of friends (she has very few). Is your Ma jealous of you maybe? You are pregnant whereas maybe her childbearing years are gone. You are also her daughter and she will be worrying about your health but showing it in a strange way. DD

Airwave!

As always, I come at things from a different aspect, how do you deal with others who have strong opinions-ignore them, because at the end of the day it doesn't matter what they think. I expect to treat my friends in a reasonable manner and I expect they will treat me the same way, what else matters, friends are the people who matter to me.

Apologies if I come across in a manner that is stiff, but at the end of the day those who make the most noise are lost in the sounds of the masses.

stickywicket

Mums are difficult creatures and belong in a category of their own. My own ( 3 kids not to mention several miscarriages) was great when I was pregnant but my mother-in-law (1 pregnancy, one child) knew the lot. They don't, LV. You have to do it your way and the midwife's way. Would your Mum come to an appointment so that the midwife can talk to her or she can at least hear stuff from the horse's mouth. It aint ewasy.

LignumVitae

Thank you for your replies, they've really helped me.

DD just after I read your post Mr LV suggested to me that he thought that my Mum was jealous - now how is that for coincidence?! There has always been a bit of an edge of that and I'm also a lot more laid back like my Dad, don't have an obsession with prying and tend to laugh at life just as my Dad does so I think that also infuriates her to some extent, I should be getting really annoyed with things and venting forth my opinions.

"Those who make the most noise are lost in the masses" Airwave, thank you, I love that, it strikes a chord and you are correct, the best course of action is just to let it wash over me and ignore the opinions!

Sticky, I did once take her to a rheumy appointment as she developed an obsession that methotrexate actually makes you worse, and all I needed to do was be stronger and take no meds. She used to be a physio and felt the need to try and out medic the medic, it was mortifyingly embarassing and in the end the rheumy moved their chair so they couldn't see her and were instead focused on me and ignored her for the rest of the appointment...never again! I get it the opposite way around to you, my mother in law, with three children and two miscarriages is wonderfully supportive all the way from Oz and keeps telling me I am doing brilliantly whilst my own mother, two children looks back on her pregnancies with rose tinted specs and tells me how she didn't put an extra ounce on, was running around saving the world right up til birth and then was working again, whilst being an earth mother, moments after birth. The reality, when you listen to my Dad is quite the opposite!

It's exhausting to deal with, really exhausting, my polite smile is wearing out!

Thank you all, LV xx

stickywicket

LignumVitae wrote:

she developed an obsession that methotrexate actually makes you worse, and all I needed to do was be stronger and take no meds.

:shock: LV I am lost for words. Something may occur to me later but, for now, you just have my deepest sympathy. And these ((()))

P.S. I agree with your Aussie Mum-in-law.

dreamdaisy

Ah, my dad was the buffer between mum and me and to this day she still complains that I am too much like him: well, whose bl**dy fault is that? Not mine, as I tell her. I now say 'If you wanted your daughter to be different you should have chosen a different man.' That shuts her up - briefly.

I received an opinion from a bloke in the pub on Saturday (whose wife had a full TKR with having just a touch of OA, lucky bovine). Apparently all I have to do is drink lots of fresh water and all my arthritis would disappear. I thanked him, told him I would be sticking to beer as I was in a pub but would start on Sunday. I will also dig out the magnets, the copper, the special supply of frozen snowflakes to use in the shower and geranium oil and I'll be cured by Wednesday. :roll:

These are YOUR babies in YOUR body. S*d everyone else (apart from Mr LV). DD

constable

Hi there

I had a mum simular to yours. In fact when I was pregnant with my third (I'd hit 40) I rang my mum and dad to give the news and I could not believe the response. She actually told me off for getting pregnant. I just put the phone down on her. I did lose the third one. But learn that I do things my way and no-one interferes.


Good luck with youts. And also, I would lke say to Congratualtions to you, twins, wow. You must be so excited. When are they due???

bubbadog

Hi there LV, I'm not pregnant (And never will be!), but I do have an interfering SIL !! She has to but in and take over when I'm having a flare up like at the moment! She text's me nearly everyday and now my poor OH now she has got hold of his mobile! And last week I tried to keep it quiet that I was having a flare up but she bumped in to my sister in tesco's at the begining of the week and got chatting and my sister mentions about me having a flare up and boom she's on my mobile texting me every 5mins what can she do?, do I need company? blah blah! And Thursday evening when I'm warn out after hardly any sleep, and need my bed, she starts texting at 6pm, I mention I'm about to go to bed, 6.30pm there's a knock at the door and surpise, surprise! Oh come to see how you are, do you need any help! The only thing to get her off my back is to give her a job to do! honestly it always works! So I say look I'm about to go to bed cause I need to rest, but I tell you what I need a hand with my OH forgot to pick up my fav Oviltine and some pink wafers and a few pairs of my fav bed socks need sewing as I have holes in could you do that for me I will be so gratful? BAM she's happy for a day or so!! It might work on your mom as they do fuss over their kids! Hope that might help.

LignumVitae

My favourite ridiculous arthritis advice once came from my dear mother, she advised me to walk around the house wearing a wetsuit to hold my joints together. I do love your reply to being too like your father DD, I shall be storing that one for future use.

I do give her jobs Bubba, thanks for the idea, I have to be careful though as she sees a tiny job as carte blanche to take over, give her an inch and all that. I think I'm going for the 'ooh sorry, did you call/ email/ turn up on my doorstep? I must have been busy' approach for a few days/ weeks. Hopefully by then somebody else can be the focus of her opinions and views. I do keep thinking, can you imagine how she will be once they are born? My Dad is already warning she will be jealous for the couple of weeks my mother in law comes over from Australia to meet them, heavens above!

Karen, that is awful but I can imagine the scenario, so sad too, that must have been terrible to go through knowing that you were naughty for getting pregnant to start with. Thank you for your wishes, I'm due mid April if I get to full term and twins was a pleasant shock when we found out but I love that it's happening! LV xx

gilly1957

How lovely and exciting to be having twins,keep doing what you feel comfortable
with regarding exercise, after all only you know how you feel.

As regards mums, I am having a hard time with mine at the moment so understand what you are going through, but she was great each time I was pregnant, I had 4 sons, all adults now.

I keep getting very upset with my mum at mo, but i try to ignore all the nasty things she keeps saying , but its very difficult.


good Luck with your pregnancy

stickywicket

LignumVitae wrote:

My favourite ridiculous arthritis advice once came from my dear mother, she advised me to walk around the house wearing a wetsuit to hold my joints together.

Did she indicate whether it should a wet wetsuit or a dry wetsuit for maximum benefit? Or, what to do when the doorbell rang?

Re her v the midwife - I wonder how she would have reacted when she was a practising physiotherapist if one of her patients had insisted on doing as his/her own mother suggested rather than as your Mum, the physio suggested. My brother and sister are twins. Back in the 30s it meant my Mum wasn’t allowed out of bed for 10 days after they were born. (No wonder lots of women got DVTs.) The world moves on and we must move with it.

However, try not to alienate her too much. If you flare after B & S enter the world – and it’s very common – you will need her. I couldn’t have managed without mine and I did my kids one at a time. Possibly, by the time MIL arrives, she’ll be happy to part with them. My guess is it won’t be easy but let’s cross that bridge when we get to it. (Note, I said 'we'. On here, we really are all in it together

LignumVitae

Thank you Sticky, I talked to her last night and just kept her off the subject of me, it's amazing how long hyou can talk about the decorating Mr LV just did in the lounge and the amount of detail you can summon up! I think I might well be needing you all to help me deal with clash of the Grandma's when it happens like the Ashes but more combative I imagine. LV xx

stickywicket

No bouncers or googlies?

Mr SW's tactics of dealing with crashing bores might help here. if they insist on going into minute details that are of interest to no-one but themselves, he probes even further. ("So, what shade of green were the peas?" "Did the rain fall vertically or slanted?" etc etc) It keeps him awake if nothing else.

dreamdaisy

A WETSUIT? A WETSUIT? :shock: Ye gods, that is one of the dafteset things I have ever heard and I've heard a few. That is truly staggering LV - you poor thing.

Sticky, as usual your husband comes up trumps. DD

LignumVitae

She never could explain how, when you could barely move you were supposed to go through all the physical movements required to get one on either...or off when you needed the loo.
Today my Dad's diagnosis from the GP of a chest infection is wrong, really it's pneumonia and all his fault for working away...I know why he works away when he can. This non-GP diagnosis has been made without so much as listening to his chest...at least I'm off the hook for a few hours.

dreamdaisy

Has she always been like this LV or is it 'worsening' as she gets older? From what you have said I think she may be bored hence her over-intrusion into other people's lives. She seems to open her mouth without thinking everything through but that is easily done. DD

LignumVitae

It gets worse, she used to be super busy and then retired and didn't bother finding anything to do, I mean, why would you when there are all those lives to be involving yourself with?! She is bored but won't find herself anything to do, I found her a volunteer role, she went once and was rude about the people she was supposed to be helping.

She used to decry my grandmothers for opening their mouths without thinking but that memory seems to have faded now and she seems to feel the need to pass on her pearls of wisdom without a regard to others feelings. She had my poor sister in law in tears after one visit soon after the traumatic birth of my nephew - she managed two births without pre-eclampsia so was far superior to my poor SIL recovering from an emergency caesarian because of it. It's strange because when you listen to my Dad she was a timid thing who needed pushing to do anything!

dreamdaisy

Oh hon, this is so, so familiar. My mum has been like this for a long, long time and it's very frustrating. I didn't tell her I'd started my own business for about six months because I knew what she would say - and when I did she was word perfect. Her reaction on seeing our first (and so far only) house? 'Never mind darling, next time you'll buy something better.' There have been many, many others but now me and 'im indoors take the mickey and she doesn't realise - wrong I know but very satisfying. :oops:

We have also had some very good laughs though, the latest was when we were talking about who in the family had had what when my dad died. She said that my cousin had taken Daddy's watch, the one that told the time. I pointed out that all watches did that and we howled with laughter. I hope you are able to have a giggle with yours every now and again. DD