The story of Crumpet the barbarian

tjt6768

Once upon a time in the land of Flirtiparp a young boy dreamt of becoming a barabarian, just like his Mum Maureen.. His Dad was a painter and decorator..
The boys name? Crumpet Deirdri Ashleen Bobcat Perrigrim Druid the third... Just Crumpet will do for this wee tale dear readers..

One morning Crumpet awoke to the sound of wizard wind, a sound that was so distinctive it could not possibly be anything else.. It sounds like lizards mating with hyeenas whilst farting in the mud. This could only mean one thing, the wizard's nest was under attack.. Crumpet's village 'Lemontart' nestled beneath the wizard's nest... This had always kept the village safe from maraurders and theives, dragons and the dreaded pizza delivery boys, boys so viscious even the barbarians were scared of them.. In fact, his Mum had a scar in the shape of an aeroplane on her left booby, she got that in the pizza wars.. One particular nasty pizza boy Simon was feared by even the pizza chefs themselves..... He was their leader and had wanted to burn Lemontart to the ground ever since Maureen managed to bite him on the elbow in the wars....
Maybe this was the day he returned to set fire to them.........?????

Crumpet searched the house for his Mum but she was nowhere to be seen, Christ, he thought, I hope she hasn't gone......... Shopping :shock:



To be continued as and when I can be bothered lol

Hope everyone is ok today............

Yorkshire Blokey Hugs (TM) to one and all

valval

interesting so far

Numptydumpty

Ooh Tony I love your stories
I hope you can be bothered with the next installment very soon!

Colin1

Great our Kid you really do put a smile on my face
Colin

GraceB

Hey Tony,
c'mon man - you can't really keep us all hanging like this! We all know life's not fair by the sheer fact that we've all got joint and mobility issues, but then for you to keep us in suspense like this it's just not on!

I'll start a petition if there's no next installment over the weekend ...

GraceB
P.S. Camilla and Tara (my cats - aka ' the ladies') would like to wish Ra a wonderful Christmas and purrfectly happy New Year.

tjt6768

Lol. .
Thank you folks.
Grace, I promise I will add to it.
We are in Richmond, North Yorkshire and the signal in the hotel is pants.am posting this from the cafe in Tesco in catterick lol

Hope everyone is ok. I'll be back later with more stories

GraceB

Tony - look here! It's well after the weekend my luv and you've still not given us the next installment.
You've got us all panting and dribbling in anticipation and nothing! Absolutely nothing!
To quote words from my school reports (usually the maths) - you 'really could do better'.
GraceB

tjt6768

Crumpet searched the house for his Mum's Barbarian kit.. If he could make it to the Wizard's nest maybe he could become a hero, just like his great auntie Ethal. She had saved the land during the spam spats of the twenties... And she did that in her nightie..

Aha.... He had found the kit, it was hidden deep beneath the great pile of ye olde catalogues...
Throwing the kit over his shoulder he stood in the doorway, by then the outside was a war zone, people were screaming everywhere, explosions going off all over the place. He took a deep breath, then ran for the base of the hill and began to climb.

He could hear the pizza boys death cry of PEPPARONI SLICE!!!!
My God he thought, they have finally done it, Simon has persuaded them to attack, this is it.... Only i can save us now...

He took a quick peek over his shoulder and wished he hadn't. There below him, the village was ablaze. The pizza boys were rounding up the survivors... And there he stood.... The evil leader, Simon. The most dispicable, vile soul alive... It was said that he killed his parents by smothering them in custard and letting a giant lettuce monster eat them. He was only fourteen at the time!
It was also said that his headmaster once told him to be quiet, he killed him too. he took his time, he tied him to the hind leg of a toad and made the toad travel the length of ye dreaded m25 for three yrs, all the while dragging the poor headmaster behind him. Rumours have it that the ghost of the headmaster can be heard on the foggy nights, screaming..... I will have my revenge Simon Whistleturd, mark my words!!!


As Crumpet reached the top of the hill he was greeted with an awful sight, Susan Boyle. She was the gate keeper of the nest. She had stood guard for a millenia...
Och, who are ye little boy????

tjt6768

PS.. Grace, my school reports always said the same thing... just two words......


Tony who??????

joanlawson

tjt6768 wrote:

It was also said that his headmaster once told him to be quiet, he killed him too. he took his time, he tied him to the hind leg of a toad and made the toad travel the length of ye dreaded m25 for three yrs, all the while dragging the poor headmaster behind him.

Ooo Tony, I can think of one or two headmasters I've worked for who deserved this :shock:

Now why didn't I think of that :?:

tjt6768

Because you are way too nice a person to think such awful things my dearest Joan. I on the other hand, am not. I spend my waking hours thinking of ways to hurt people. . Lol

frogmorton

very good Tony!

Waiting for more evil thoughts to cunjure up the next installment.

Love

Toni xxx