Fed up

creakybones

Worst Christmas ever. I feel so down and need to vent so hope that's ok. I have just been medically retired after a lifetime of illness - chrons and arthritis. Long story but just as I finish work my mother has a brain haemorrhage . The last 5 months have been horrendous but she has improved and has come home for Christmas. She had chest pains on Xmas day so I spent the day inA@E - they kept her in but I then developed a virus and have been wiped out since. She came home next day and I have struggled to look after her. It's been miserable and I now know I cannot care for her full time. They arel looking into full care packages with a view to her returning to her own house. I feel so down though as if my time has now been snatched away - I am surprised at how selfish I am being. I hate myself for feeling like this. I know ATM I feel so ill it not the best time to think about things but if this is it then what's the point. I was never closei to my mother but I am supportive - I will be there but not 24/7 . It will drive me mad and a final nail in my marriage coffin.
Sorry to be so miserable but I can't stop crying. She is not a nasty mother and I should be happy to care for her but I'm not and its killing me.

stickywicket

First of all, creakybones, of course it’s OK to get your feelings out of your head and down onto the computer. It’s a release-valve we all need from time to time. You are right in that, when one is ill, it is not the best time to be thinking about major issues but that is often the time when we can’t get them out of our heads.

The virus on top of your normal ill-health, on top of your being medically retired, on top of your mother’s brain haemorrhage, followed by a Christmas Day crisis would have left Superman wiped out. The one good thing that has come of all this is that you have realized you can’t care for your mother full time. I don’t know if she would have expected this, or you would or both but it cannot be. You will be of much more help to her popping in, when you can, cheerfully rather than being totally ground down with work and stress.

There are no shoulds and shouldn’ts about feelings. We feel what we feel. You are supportive of your mother and will help as you can but you cannot do more than that. What does your husband have to say about the situation? I wonder where your sister comes into this? I know, from a previous thread, she wasn’t then very keen to shoulder her responsibilities.

You can’t do everything, creakybones. It’s a fact. Be as gentle and caring with yourself as you are with others. The virus will pass and you will slowly recover your strength and be in a better position to think about these things and decide how much time you can reasonably give to your mother - and the operative word is ‘reasonably’. Take care.

creakybones

Thanks for your reply - realised I've posted this in wrong section.
I suppose I feel I should care for her 24/7 and I feel guilty that I don't want to. We live in a small bungalow - years of ill health have taken its toll onmy marriage - we muddle through hoping things will improve. With my mother here tho it's an added strain -our meals and tv watching have gone by the board as she likes soaps - whereas my husband loves history so he now goes out conservatory and Is drinking more as he think I don't know ! My sister has been very good but mum can't stay There as the children are wild and there is no downstairs loo. Se does help tho but unlike me doesn't think too far ahead.
You are right of course - I'm sure most people would have been done in with the events of the last week. This virus is prob the worst I have ever had - day 6 and I still have temperature. I really admire those of you who care full time as I don't think I could.
Enough for tonight - sincere thanks for your wise words.xx

dibdab

Oh dear Creaky, what a lot you have endured. It's hard isn't it to juggle our own needs and vulnerabilities and the things that we think others expect us to be or do. Please do take care of yourself, and maybe think about how you can share with your nearest and dearest just how vulnerable and out of control it all makes you feel.

At least if they are looking into a cacre package for your mum that should help-but maybe you need to be very honest with "them" about your own needs and health issues.

Take care of yourself, hopefully that nasty virus will begin to settle really soon.

Just wanted to send you some positive thoughts and understanding.

Deb xx

stickywicket

I know things are tough on your Mum, too, but I don't really see why your husband can't have his usual TV programmes on rather than being relegated to the conservatory. No wonder he's taking solace in liquid form Can your mother not watch her soaps on i-player while he is out?

My guess is that he could be your ally and helper but is probably feeling as if he's on the sub's bench right now. Elderly people can be very demanding and some elderly people assume, despite all the evidence to the contrary, that their daughters can, and should, look after them.

maria09

Hi
As you know I have of my own difficulties
My advice is don't feel guilty your sister is the one who needs the guilt trip
I know first hand how difficult it is to be a carer 24/7 as my father has talen care of my mum for just over a year after her stroke. they have carers 4 times a day for 30mins each time plus a night sitter which does sound a lot but it isn't as my mum requires constant supervision.
I go every day at least for 3 hours so he can have some time to himself ad I don't know how my mum manages it but she always wants a bedpan before the carers arrive so when they get there shes all sorted.
My mum always said if we put her in a home she would haunt us but saying that she goes into respite for a 2 week period & loves it she never wants to come home
I find it really hard especially when my pain is bad & fatigue settles in & im only there for those few hours
This may sound harsh but im only thinking of you I think the best option for your mum & you is nursing home care where you can go daily & stay as long as you like. There are some really good homes out there.
pm me if you want to.
Try & keep strong I know its difficult as you know im going through a tough time too
We are all here for you
Take care
Maria

lazicat

I can really relate to how you are feeling. Its always the same in familys one person always seems to carry most of the burden & the others carry on fairly normally. Do they feel guilty - probably not , so why should you ?
I had a similar thing happen to me last year. I was brought up by my grandmother , from 3 months old until I left home at 23 , we had our ups & downs mostly due to the huge age gap & different times, but overall it was a happy & secure upbringing. I will always love her & be very grateful for that. Although I often felt that she had felt it was her duty to take me on as my mum didnt show any responsibility towards me at all.
Anyway just before Christmas 2011 she had a fall & spent the 2 weeks in hosital , then was released with a care package in place , visits 4 times a day, meals & later on after another fall an overnight carer to monitor the situation. By the end of Jan it was obvious that she could no longer stay in her own home by herself. I felt so guilty as wheels were set in motion
to find a place for her in a residential home. Her son , was useless at coping with any arrangements, her daughter (my mum) as usual got away with doing nothing. As usual most of it was left to me. It was the hardest thing Ive ever done , cried myself to sleep many times & still feel as though I should be looking after her, as she did me. But I also suffer badly with OA , had a THR in July & still struggling with back & other hip pain, my husband & teenage children have had to do so much to help me, so what else could I do. So the guilt remains !!!!
However on a happier note. She went into a lovely residental home last February. Worst day of my life, but I was a great actress , full of smiles, showing her around, holding her hand , putting her things in place, saying how nice everything was, I deserved an Oscar ! Three weeks later she was 98 years old, the staff made her a birthday cake & sang happy birthday & she celebrated her birthday there as she wasnt strong enough to be taken out yet. The worst thing for me in the first few months was she kept asking when she was going home, and talking of home even though she had agreed to stay there. So I visited her 2-3 times a week& tried to encourage other family to pop in too on different days. Gradually she got stronger, started to make a couple of friends who she now eats her meals with, and got to know the staff. I wasnt easy the first few months, I felt guilty every time I saw her. Gradually she started to say she liked it there, how nice the staff were, good home cooked food, nice room etc. I started to take a few things from her home to put on her walls, to make it more homely. It got to spring & the weather was warm enough for my Uncle to take her for a walk into Town pushing her wheelchair, she so enjoys this & its became a regular thing until the weather got cold. We can take her out whenever we want, she still likes a pub lunch & a glass of wine, and that is easier for her great grandchildren too. They also have regular activities in the home, singing, painting , crafts ,seasonal things & make an effort to get them interetsed in things & she has her hair done each week by their hairdresser. It isnt doom & gloom but a happy place with lovely friendly chatty staff, who she adores.
I still wish I could of cared for her , but would I have been able to provide everything the homes does _ NO !! Ive got severe OA , Teenagers, Dog & Stairs, she gets more attention & care by being where she is with lots of stress free happy visits from me.
She now looks so well , younger infact , her memory has improved and she's gained weight, I actually think she hasnt been looking after herself properly for a while & she's so HAPPY.
This Christmas she decided she didnt want to spend it with us, she would rather stay there & have her lunch with the others, Father Christmas would be visiting & they would be having an old fashioned sing song with the Piano. So I took her presents Christmas Even & watched her open them. As I left she said have a lovely Christmas my dear, dont worry about me, Im having a glass of sherry in the morning, a nice christmas lunch & a visit from Santa in the afternoon - to which I replied I hope you are not going to sit on his Knee !! To which we really laughed. I left , got in the car & burst into tears.
Christmas Day I was thinking of her & Im sure she was us , but our home is too noisy for her now , she doesnt want to stay long, she likes her room , routine & visitors where she is & the odd trip out.
Does she expect me to look after her - I dont think so for a minute !!
She will be 99 years old on 17th Feb , I always told her she would live to 100 when I was a little girl & now I think she will. She is so healthy now as she's warm & well fed.
Please dont feel guilty , take it week by week , and talk to the staff, they will reassure you. Good Luck x Yvonne

applerose

I have read through what the others have said and I completely agree. You have been quite ill and not yet recovered. There is no way you can looko after your mum by yourself. I'm sure once she is settled in, she will be happy in the care home. I hope you recover from the virus soon.

Lazicat - happy birthday to your grandmother when it comes.

maria09

Hi
Are you feeling any better?
Maria

wall1409

Oh hunny

For a kick off I dont think you are well enough to be looking after your mother, I know you love her but its not really fair on you. Social services take time to get things in place they can send the start team for 6 weeks free initially then if your mother is not independant after that then it goes for a full assessment of finances etc to see if the locality teams can either help free or your mother may have to pay for the help.

I suggest you contact GP as it is up to him to put things in place whilst you are waiting for this help...also get onto socail services and tell them how you are feeling , then they will understand the urgency of this.

I hope they intervene soon or sorry to say this hun, you will be the one in hospital.

Take care
Wendy xx