Warning - major rant!

Petitesse

First of all: sorry for ranting, but I neeeed to vent!!:-(

I have been waiting for a long time to get new biological meds. I was on Remicade for 2 months and it worked wonders for about a month. Then everything got worse and on top of that the meds nearly ruined my liver! Six months later just before Christmas my liver was okay again and I was called to hospital to get new biological meds.
Unfortunately I also got a new doctor just before the appointment and he didn't agree. He sent me home with only ibuprofen instead.
I spent all of Christmas and new years in bed.

Most days I can barely walk. At the same time, as I can't work, I have zero income. I can't get any help in Sweden because - on paper - I own an appartment. It doesn't make any difference that my debt from not working by now far exceeds what I can get from selling my home.
Getting the appartment ready for selling has been a huge task for someone who is bedridden!

On the bright side I think I just sold it today - if the buyers keep their end of the deal.

I just called my mum to tell her the good news. She told me that dad has just gone to hospital with leukemia. The type he has doesn't have a very good prognosis.

So now I just need to stay on my feet on ibuprofen, figure out all the papers for the appartment, pack all my stuff on my own and find out how to move them to Denmark.
And most of all, I need to figure out how to put on a brave face. Go back to Denmark and see my dad and support my mum. Mum is still in denial, but I am pretty sure there is not much time left.

And I need to stop being angry with God for never giving me and my family 5 minutes of peace and to stop being angry with myself because I really don't know how to cope with all of this.
I am not sure if I believe in karma. If I did I would have to accept it as a fact that both me and my family have been serious a**holes in our previous lives and are only getting what we deserve!
On the other hand - moaning about the unfairness of it all doesn't help wonders either!

So just for tonight I will allow myself to rant and feel sorry for myself and my family and cry buckets of tears....

Tomorrow I will get up and get on with it - ignoring any pain or administering the Tramadol I still have left. Because there is no other option...

Thank you for listening.

Numptydumpty

Crikey petitesse!!!! No wonder you need a rant.
You certainly have a lot to contend with. You can always vent your frustrations here, we are here to listen, even if we can't help in any practical way.
I really hope your medication is sorted soon, you can cope so much better when the pain is under some control.
I'm sorry to hear about your dad (((()))
Thinking of you,
Numpty

Petitesse

Dear Numpty,
Your reply meant so much to me. I know you can't help, but just needed to be heard.
I practically live as a recluse and never open up. So I had no idea that it would be this hard to do and then realise so many people read this and didn't even feel the urge to just wish me good luck.
To be fair - I am not on this forum very often and when I am I don't reply to every thread. Even though I am sure all of them feels urgent and in need of attention to the people posting.
I just didn't realise how this would make me feel right now. So I need to go.
I can't figure out how to delete my account here, so I will just log out and say goodbye.
Thank you so much again for listening Numpty. I wish you all the best*HUGS*

elnafinn

I am so sorry to read your posting Petitesse - I have just logged on as I also have rather a lot going on in my life too atm. I still try to keep in touch here pretty much on a daily basis even if I do not repond to any messages.

The forum is generally quite quiet at the weekend. I wonder if it would help if you gave the helplines a call on Monday. It is good to talk to someone and share what is going on in your life. As they say a burden shared is a burden halved. I have heard nothing but praise from people who have talked to one of the helplines team.

Elna x

salamander

Hi, sorry to hear everything that is going on and especially about your father. Would you be able to get a steroid jab to get you through the packing and home? Might just carry you through for a bit.

Numptydumpty

Please don't take it to heart that you didn't get an immediate reply. We really do care, but the weekends are always slow on the forum.
You have a lot going on at the moment, you must be feeling very low and vulnerable. I know that other members of the forum will want to offer their support, so please don't delete your account. Elna has given You some good advice about the helpline.
I am here if you want to talk.
Numpty

Mumof1

Hi, I am sorry to hear what you are going through.

LignumVitae

A huge fat hug from me. I'm not sure how you are coping, that is so very much to deal with. The meds alone are too much but they are just a tiny part of so much going wrong Petitesse, I'm sending you much love and hope. If it helps, turn the karma thing on its head, this is because you are such an amazingly strong person and are storing up credits for an easier ride later on. Not very helpful I know. Please don't think lots of people will have read this and not bothered replying, quite often the readers are either robots or guests. I have just logged on and read it, I'm sure others will read and reply too. We are here for you, good luck in all you are having to cope with. I can't offer any solutions (though I do think a steroid like Elna suggested is a great idea) but I can offer you support. Love and hugs LV xx

stickywicket

(((()))) My heart goes out to you, Petitesse. I have no idea how you are coping with such a heavy load, alone, unaided and having to deal with so much rubbish on so many fronts. As LV has said, you must be a very, very strong person. We have quite a few with such strength and courage on here and they – you – all make me feel very humble.

Please don’t leave us. If nothing else, we can be of some moral support. And please don’t judge us because, for 2 hours, only Numpty answered your post last night. Weekends are always quiet on here. I usually poke my nose in but the room where my computer lives is freezing right now so I didn’t. Also, as LV said, the numbers of people on line are not necessarily members at all so it’s quite possible that no-one, who is a member, saw your thread.

Did your doc give any reasons for not putting you on a new anti-tnf? Might you get better service in Denmark? I do hope the news about your Dad doesn’t prove as bad as you fear.

You have immense strength to have come this far, Petitesse. Hang on in there. And please allow us to support you.

barbara12

Oh Lovey some people do get more than there share, I do wish I could help more. but at least you can talk to us and get things off your chest a little.
I do hope that things improve for you very soon... if only in your own health then you can make these decisions.I will be thinking about you and sending you loads of very gentle hugs (((((i()))) xx

villier

Awe Petitesse please don't be down hearted there are lots of reasons that the replys are slow, me for one have just been back on today due to being unwell all week and as some one else said being the weekend. You have had some sound advice and we all feel for you, I know how you feel as I am also on my own and live a bit away from my family, please keep us informed of how you are doing there are a lot of loving,careing people on here, I am so sorry about your dad hopefully it wont be as bad as it seems, sending you some ((((()))))s.............tc.............Marie xx

ShulaArcher

Hello

Have just read your post and, although I'm powerless to do anything practical for you, I do send you very warm thoughts. Sometimes it's so difficult to be positive and you clearly have a huge amount going on. Having a major rant often makes a difference and this is the right place to do it. Please keep in touch.

With best wishes
Shula

dreamdaisy

Oh dear, you poor thing, that is indeed a great deal to contend with: no meds, having to sell your apartment, not working, you dad being taken so very ill, and then we give the appearance of not caring one jot because only Numpty replied on the evening you posted (although Elna was not far behind).

Life is throwing stuff at all of us on here, you are not unique in that. [ text edited] we do care, and many of us will be hoping that things improve for you soon. DD

constable

I really do hope you take a look on again. You haven't given these lovely,caring people on here a chance. I can understand that you feel so bad. You're own problems with your pain killers being taken away and moving house and, on top of that you're father being so so ill. But when you think about it. In real life, you never get something straight away.

If you look in now, you will be astounded by the amount of people who have answered you're post. We all do care what happens. We all wish we could help more. I do hope I have not come across rude, but I just felt you had not given any time.

I really do hope that you can get on top of things. Get some meds so you can actually move about without bad pain. And really do hope that you're father is painfree and comfortable. I am sending you big hugs.

bubbadog

I think petitesse has signed out and maybe for good. I sent her a PM asking her to stay with us and not close the account. I hope she does sign back in and see all the suport she has and realises she's not alone we all are here for her. Such a sad post from her.

dreamdaisy

Hello Petitesse, how are things today? I have been thinking about you and hoping that you are feeling at least a little better within yourself. DD

kentishlady

Was so sorry to hear of all your problems petitesse. Please don't delete your account. We are all hear to listen and give support to one another. You have so much to cope with at present and it is hardly surprising that you feel as you do. I do hope things will improve for you and that you will be feeling a little better soon. Stay strong and remember we are all here for you. Beryl