10 Things not to say to someone with arthritis

elnafinn
elnafinn Member Posts: 7,412
edited 25. Feb 2013, 18:00 in Living with Arthritis archive
The happiest people don't have the best of everything. They just make the best of everything.

If you can lay down at night knowing in your heart that you made someone's day just a little bit better, you know you had a good day.

Comments

  • jillyb1
    jillyb1 Member Posts: 1,725
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    Just read this on fbook , my addition to the list has always been : I had that but it's better now . Jillyb
  • elnafinn
    elnafinn Member Posts: 7,412
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    :lol: There are 16 comments on FB now. We really do get some comments back don't we, Jilly? ;) :roll: :lol:

    Hugs
    Elna x
    The happiest people don't have the best of everything. They just make the best of everything.

    If you can lay down at night knowing in your heart that you made someone's day just a little bit better, you know you had a good day.
  • nearlybionic
    nearlybionic Member Posts: 1,899
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    Hi
    I have seen that post too! I am also a memeber of another forum and someone has just been telling me how she has overcome RA and cured herself!! Wow! Apparently we should avoid all vaccnations, drugs, food additives and of course buy her DVD!! (ecercise and full of `I am wonderful look at me stuff!`) Some people really have no idea!!
    NB
  • elnafinn
    elnafinn Member Posts: 7,412
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    :lol::lol: You have to laugh or you would cry!

    Elna x
    The happiest people don't have the best of everything. They just make the best of everything.

    If you can lay down at night knowing in your heart that you made someone's day just a little bit better, you know you had a good day.
  • salamander
    salamander Member Posts: 1,906
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    Good list Elna.
    My hit list:

    'We've all got aches and pains now we are older.' (am in my mid 50's)

    'Yes, I've got a bit of arthritis in my finger/toe/thumb etc.'

    'Why are you so tired? You've only been sitting on a train' (this after a four hour train journey)

    'Do you think you are too reliant on your medication?'
    'Do you think you are too reliant on your car?'
    (answer to both above, 'No')

    'It's really good to see you looking so well' (this usually after increased dose of steroids so usual gaunt face a bit puffy and fat)

    'Are you better yet?' is the absolute worst. No I'm b***d* not!

    'Would you like to go for a walk on the Heath?' - No

    I could go on...
  • theresa4
    theresa4 Member Posts: 696
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    This made me laugh and feel a bit sad

    My favourites I get are:-

    you were fine yesterday ... :shock: ( My bro in laws favourite saying, yet doesnt notice or comment when he doesnt see me for days and he lives next door)

    it cant be that bad.. (whilst in tears in pain)

    Oh you have OA now as well as RA oh well OA isnt as bad is it..

    oh something else, didnt you have that last week (on having 3 consecutive infections)

    Theres always something else wrong with you (being in normal RA pain, fibro, bowel issues and infections)

    couldnt you make the effort to come out you could just sit down all night.... (on saying I couldnt go out as I was in too much pain that day)

    You look ok
    Are you sleeping again
    why are you tired you havent done anything ( i got out of bed didnt I)
    any excuse to get out of the cleaning/washing up....

    and strangers :-
    what have you done to your hands
    what have you done to your foot

    oh youre too young......
    is she drunk (on losing my balance in a club sober as a judge and ending up on floor)

    You shouldnt take that medicine its not good for you
    You should take/eat this it cures arthritis
    My grandma has that... (IM 41)

    I could go on.... isnt it fun.... :?
    There are many things in life that will catch your eye, but only a few will catch your heart...pursue those. --Michael Nolan



    Theresa xxx
  • Starburst
    Starburst Member Posts: 2,546
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    "You're very young for arthritis"
    Sorry about that! In my next life, I'll try to be older.

    "I was talking to my step-dad's friend's cousin's hairdresser's dog walker's cousin's ex-partner's daughter about you and she swears that sleeping with 3 green grapes under her pillow cured her arthritis."
    Please tell your step-dad's friend's cousin's hairdresser's dog walker's cousin's ex-partner's daughter that I have tried lots of different and expensive things and none of them work for me. Believe me, I'd much rather sleep with 3 green grapes under my pillow than take all this medication including injecting myself with a low dose chemotherapy drug weekly. These days, I tend to take medical advice and only do things/take things that have a solid evidence base.

    "Why are you so tired all the time?"
    I wish I flippin' knew!
  • elainebadknee
    elainebadknee Bots Posts: 3,703
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    God!

    I can identify with a few more of those points than I thought I would have.....The ones about being too young for arthritis, you take too much medications, walk more and your diet would help...

    Zoikes!!

    Elainexx
  • babytiger
    babytiger Member Posts: 360
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    yeah I always get the one, your too young to have arthritis or have you tried x and y medicines they really work .
  • salamander
    salamander Member Posts: 1,906
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    theresa4 wrote:
    This made me laugh and feel a bit sad

    My favourites I get are:-

    you were fine yesterday ... :shock: ( My bro in laws favourite saying, yet doesnt notice or comment when he doesnt see me for days and he lives next door)

    it cant be that bad.. (whilst in tears in pain)

    Oh you have OA now as well as RA oh well OA isnt as bad is it..

    oh something else, didnt you have that last week (on having 3 consecutive infections)

    Theres always something else wrong with you (being in normal RA pain, fibro, bowel issues and infections)

    couldnt you make the effort to come out you could just sit down all night.... (on saying I couldnt go out as I was in too much pain that day)

    You look ok
    Are you sleeping again
    why are you tired you havent done anything ( i got out of bed didnt I)
    any excuse to get out of the cleaning/washing up....

    and strangers :-
    what have you done to your hands
    what have you done to your foot

    oh youre too young......
    is she drunk (on losing my balance in a club sober as a judge and ending up on floor)

    You shouldnt take that medicine its not good for you
    You should take/eat this it cures arthritis
    My grandma has that... (IM 41)

    I could go on.... isnt it fun.... :?

    Agree with all those but still astonished when friends ask 'what's wrong with your hand?' when I go out with a soft splint on. Hello? Where have you been for the past 3 1/2 years! Ditto when I use a walking stick.
  • barbara12
    barbara12 Member Posts: 21,280
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    Think I may have had all these...and more..Like you say Elna you have to laugh...and then again... :roll: :lol:
    Thanks Elna I would miss all these but for you x
    Love
    Barbara
  • applerose
    applerose Member Posts: 3,621
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    My sister-in-law used to have RA in her neck but that was quite a while ago. She is ok now. Hmmmmm! :roll:
    I think we must all get the 'I've got that in my little finger.' My sisters are always saying they are tired so if I say it, they think it's the same tired as they are after they've had a late night.
    Christine
  • frogmorton
    frogmorton Member Posts: 29,336
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    sigh....

    Elna you have to laugh or you really would cry :roll:

    Thanks for this and everyone else for their examples.

    Love

    Toni xxx
  • Starburst
    Starburst Member Posts: 2,546
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    I actually feel sorry for the people who repeatedly trot out ignorant statements. My 'new' life with autoimmune arthritis has opened my eyes to so much. While I used to wonder "why me?" now I think "why not me?". My life has changed so much. I think for the better, although some may disagree especially when I'm grouchy and flarey! :lol: I believe this will make me a better, more empathic social worker who has a better grip on how it feels to be marginalised and labelled. Over the last few years, I've developed a strong passion for promoting disability awareness because of my experience. I believe everything happens for a reason, however difficult it can feel at times.
  • ruby2
    ruby2 Member Posts: 423
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    Infuriating! makes me ache reading them ....new thread needed ...HOW TO REPLY when people say these things.
    Ruby
  • toady
    toady Member Posts: 2,096
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    I get a lot of these too, even from another friend with arthritis which baffles me except that they are?/seem? less affected.

    I hate 'your neck looks painful' - it isn't it's just stiff & probably the least painful of anything. This has been said again even after assurances along the above line. All this accomplishes is to make me self-aware that my stiff neck stands out immediately to everyone on the planet. Ditto anyone who comments on anything that brings home how I must strike people - walking oddly, looking thin (get that all the time, why is it deemed so much more ok than 'you look fat'?!). It depends on how it's said, & down to your personal preference, but I'd prefer a comment that I look fine.. wish I did!

    One of my pet hates is 'I wouldn't let illness stop me getting on with my life'. Oh bully for you, thanks for the implication, I am therefore 'letting' it. Grr.

    Funny thing is, I don't think I would ever dream of making these kind of remarks myself - even if I'd never got ill. Who knows.

    Good list thanks!
  • kentishlady
    kentishlady Member Posts: 809
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    People just don't think before they speak do they? The most annoying one to me is 'you really must get out as much as possible'. Answer: I do, but with OA in my back (and possibly now in one of my knees - x-ray on Thursday), the more I walk, the more pain I am in. I love going out, being at home looking at 4 walls when you are on your own is not exactly much fun, though I try to keep as occupied as I possibly can, but when I do go out, I end up in total agony by the time I get home, which does make you think twice about whether it is worth going out in the first place!!! Yes, it is hard for people to understand what arthritis is really like, but some of the comments we have to contend with, as someone else has already said, if you don't laugh, you would cry.

    Hope everyone is having as good a day as possible.

    Beryl
  • dreamdaisy
    dreamdaisy Member Posts: 31,520
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    The people who should read that probably won't. They are all insensitve comments but the trouble with arthritis is its ubiquity. I wouldn't dream of saying anything along those lines to someone with MS or cancer but because arthritis is so common people feel it entirely reasonable to declare their ignorance.

    As for replies it's easy: be equally rude in your answer, e.g. 'But you look so well.' reply 'Well, you look bl**dy awful.' Don't be shy about being rude back - they've set the manners bar at an appallingly low level. . DD
    Have you got the despatches? No, I always walk like this. Eddie Braben
  • jillyb1
    jillyb1 Member Posts: 1,725
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    You've just made me smile , DD , remembering the way I replied to an insensitive comment a couple of years ago . We met some of our son's in laws ; daughter in law's uncle looked at my hand bent artistically by dupuytrens contracture and said , " they didn't warn me that you're deformed . " My reply was , " they didn't warn me about your ignorance either . " Jillyb
  • dreamdaisy
    dreamdaisy Member Posts: 31,520
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    Get in! :lol: Well done to you, that more than equalled his crass comment. DD
    Have you got the despatches? No, I always walk like this. Eddie Braben
  • applerose
    applerose Member Posts: 3,621
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    Don't know if I would have had the courage to say that but good for you Jilly. He deserved that. Hope everyone heard it.
    Christine
  • salamander
    salamander Member Posts: 1,906
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    ruby2 wrote:
    Infuriating! makes me ache reading them ....new thread needed ...HOW TO REPLY when people say these things.

    Good idea, you should start it Ruby!