Missing my dogs

Christimay

I know it's a arthritis forum but wish some of you could help me here the stress of it has caused a major flare up and was prescribed steroids and naproxen today. Have recently separated from my husband of 23 yrs but am getting absouloutely no access to my two beautiful retrievers he has had access to the kids when he's wanted I even asked him along to parents night last night something he never was at while married I've washed clothes did ironing and made meals since I left so he can't say I have not supported him since I left he knows not seeing the dogs Is breaking my heart as well as making me ill I went to the house last week to see them and he had changed the locks considering its also mine I don't know how he could do this to me I can't stop crying and have just about run out of excuses to tell my little 2 please advise me if you can I'm desperate

stickywicket

Christimay, you've been through a very stressful time even without this. I don't think there are any rules about dogs other than what the two people agree to. It might be that you have to face not seeing much of them. However, you don't have to either do your ex's laundry, ironing or cook his meals. In fact, you'd probably be better not doing as that gives out mixed signals. If you're going to do that sort of stuff, make it a condition that you see the dogs at the same time. ((()))

Christimay

Thanks for replying it wasn't for him it eas for my oldest two who are going back and fore between the 2 of us their choice and I've got help in so when washing cooking and ironing was being done I made sure theirs was too they are 21 and 18 but they are still my boys and I'm just used to looking after them

babytiger

Oh Christimay, Your having a hard time at moment. I know when when my marriage ended my wee jack Russell went with me. Can your boys not bring them round when they come to visit
Eileen

barbara12

Hello Christimay
I am so sorry your ex is treating you like this..I suppose you have tried talking to him...what one earth does he think he will achieve by this is beyond me ...I do wish i could help more....hopefully he will let you see them soon...I really can understand how you must feel...you hang in there...(((((())))xx

Sezeelson

I'm so sorry to hear this

I don't know what I'd do without my dog! I'd be heartbroken!

Have you tried talking to him and making him understand just how ill it has made you?

Just so you know, a dog is classed as an 'owned item' so this can be taken to court to decide who gets custody over the dogs and sometimes shared custody can be agreed.

LignumVitae

Hey Christimay,

Huge huge hugs from me. I'm so sorry about this, being separated from my dogs would be crucifying so I can begin to imagine what you are going through. I wonder whether a 21year old or an 18 year old can, in return for so much help from their poorly Mum, not walk two dogs and happen to meet her somewhere? A least that would give you some access. Other options are to try and make a civil and calm request explaining what you have given(parents evening etc) and stating that access to the dogs is not much to ask in return.
Another option is to wait it out. I know when I split from my ex the first few months he behaved like a prize dick (excuse my language) and I had to explain I would be willing to get a restraining order out. He could swing from reasonable to insane and I kept things civil, showed no emotion to him (earning myself the title ice queen-at least he got the royal status correct), was reasonable and refused to engage in emotional conversations. After a few months, once he had stopped feeling so much he calmed down. We can now actually drink a brew together and sometimes even share a joke! It did take some time though so hang in there, you might get there. I always think relationship breakdowns are like cuts, you have to wait for them to heal and at some point one or other person can't help but pick at the scab. Eventually though, the urge to do that leaves them.
For now you must rest, imagine floating above all this looking down on it because as huge as it feels it will settle. Keep the mantra 'this too shall pass' in your head.
Much love, hugs and support,
LV xx

applerose

Sorry you are having such a hard time at the moment. I think LV gave you some good advice. When I left my husband, I had to leave my 2 dogs and my son's guinea pigs as my son came with me. My husband changed the locks on our house so I broke in to the house through the window to visit our pets while he was at work. By the time I'd found somewhere to live, he decided he didn't want them so I took them. So I can understand how you are feeling. I hope your husband will listen to you and let you see them.

lazicat

I feel so sorry for you, hard enough time without being petty isnt it. Perhaps in time the dogs will become a burden as he's got to look after himself now & you will get them back. I think he's using them as a form of control as he knows it will hurt you. Great ides for your kids to take them walkies he would never know , and if he did so what.
Your kids are too old to be fought over & used as pawns so He's using the dogs instead. Try to see it for what it is , perhaps having no reaction would have the desired effect. Hope you get it sorted out soon.
Xx

stickywicket

How are you feeling today, christimay?

barbara12

Hello Christimay
Just to say I hope you get to see them very soon...you try and keep to talking to him like LV says eventually he may feel different about things..xx

Christimay

Thank you for all your kind replies can I ask what you think of me telling my solicitor to write and tell him there will will be no further access until regular fair and equal access to my dogs I forgot to put no access to the kids as up till now I have let him have everything he has asked for

barbara12

Personally I wouldn't go down this route..talking and more talking...and not through your solicitor if possible ...two wrongs will never make a right..hope it works out for you xx

stickywicket

Oh christimay, I can see you're missing your dogs very much but I do think that would be a very bad move. I write as someone with no personal experience of separation or divorce but you can’t use your children as bargaining points and you can’t put your pets on the same level as your children.

I understand that you will be missing the dogs and vice versa (though probably to a lesser extent if their needs are catered for) but, regardless of anything else that is happening or has happened, the children have a right to see their father unless there are exceptional circumstances.

What about LV’s suggestion of asking the older children to ‘walk the dogs’ near you? Or, if they’re not so close, they could just bring them. I don’t see why you can’t make doing their ironing a condition of this.

Separation is never easy but, from seeing it happen to friends and relatives, it seems that the more amicable it can be the better all round. If your husband is being unreasonable just stand firm in your decisions but make the children’s welfare your main concern. Don’t use them as levers to get access to the dogs.

LignumVitae

It's another vote on the no side from me I'm afraid. I can see your reasoning but two things-I doubt there'd be a legal standpoint that would let you and the whole dog situation has arisen through his anger speaking. Anger is one of the most destructive and dangerous of emotions. Don't let your anger speak back, you'll just watch everything slide over the edge into really bad if you do. Keep calm, I know that's easy to say and than to do, remain as cool and rational as possible. By being fair and reasonable the situation is far more likely to resolve in a fair and reasonable manner. You can't fight fire with fire, don't try, it will just cause more damage.
Love LV xx

applerose

Oh Christiemay. I would feel exactly like you. I would want to stop him from seeing the kids too but I think it is wrong to use the kids like that. He is still their dad and they probably still want to see him. It will be upsetting for them to see the two of you splitting up. Please don't make things worse for them. I wanted to hurt my husband when we split up but managed to let the kids decide whether or not they saw him. My daughter stayed with her dad, which killed me, and my son came with me so we ended up each having them both one weekend day. Even that gets easier in time. And I know I didn't force the kids to do something they didn't want to do. As the others have suggested, ask the older 'kids' to bring the dogs to see you.

frogmorton

Christimay wrote:

Thank you for all your kind replies can I ask what you think of me telling my solicitor to write and tell him there will will be no further access until regular fair and equal access to my dogs I forgot to put no access to the kids as up till now I have let him have everything he has asked for

Hi Christimay

Please try not to fall out completely if you can. The boys are adults and might go anyway. Mine are 17 and 15 and I had to go without them last night (a rarity) because he turned up here with their two half-sibs. He stayed at his Mothers with her daughter and assorted extra kids.

I wanted mine to come home so much and bawled all night about it, but to the kids I said - have a lovely time girls The kids have a right to know their family - that's what l think. It's not HIS right, but it is their's.

You can though ask your solicitor's advice about getting the dogs....maybe he will decide they are too much trouble in the end anyway and let you have them? (check also about changing the locks??)

I like the idea of the boys walking them and you 'happening to bump into them though.

I wish I could help, but I am thinking of you and sending some ((()))

Love

Toni xxx

lazicat

Try not to go down the solicitor route or using your kids as pawns. Its not fair to play with childrens emotions by putting them in the middle or using them as pawns, Im sure you wouldnt want that really, you are just hurt.
You can always replace a dog , but you cant replace your children if they feel used and distance themselves from the situation.
Try to keep your dignity & rise above his games !! Your children will respect you for that.
Good Luck x