One liners to brighten your day

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villier
villier Member Posts: 4,426
edited 6. Mar 2013, 11:57 in Community Chit-chat archive
Some of these are a bit cheesy but hope they give you a giggle xx



I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.

I was driving this morning when I saw an road service van parked. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself that guy's heading for a breakdown.

Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not Happy.

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that, 2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.

Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador" . "Bugger that" says Mick "have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"

My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.

A wife says to her husband "You're always pushing me around and talking behind my back." He says "What do you expect? You're in a wheelchair."

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said I would like to come back as a cow. I said you're obviously not listening.

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.

They've had to cancel the pantomine 'Jack & the Beanstalk' in Birmingham, Bristol, Oldham, Bradford, Burnley, Leicester, Luton and London : Apparently the giant couldn't smell any Englishmen.

The wife was counting all the 5 and 10 cents out on the kitchen table when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason. I thought to myself, "She's going through the change."

When I was in the pub I heard a couple of plonkers saying that they wouldn't feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman. What a pair of sexists. I mean, it's not as if she'd have to reverse the bloody thing!

Local Police hunting the 'knitting needle nutter', who has stabbed six people in the butt in the last 48 hours, believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern.

Bought some 'rocket salad' yesterday but it went off before I could eat it!

Murphy says to Paddy "What ya talkin to an envelope for?", "I'm sending a voicemail ya thick ****!"

Just got back from my mate's funeral. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball. It was a lovely service.

19 paddies go to the cinema, the ticket lady asks "Why so many of you?" Mick replies, "The film said 18 or over."

An Asian fellow has moved in next door. He has travelled the world, swum with sharks, wrestled bears and climbed the highest mountain. It came as no surprise to learn his name was Bindair Dundat
Smile a while and while you smile
smile another smile and soon there
will be miles and miles of smiles
just because you smiled I wish your
day is full of Smiles

Comments

  • Numptydumpty
    Numptydumpty Member Posts: 6,417
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
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    :lol::lol::lol: The best yet Marie, these had me laughing out loud. :lol:
    Keep them coming.
    Numpty
  • stickywicket
    stickywicket Member Posts: 27,730
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
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    :lol::lol::lol: Some real gems in there, Marie. Laughter is definitely the best medicine. Thank you, once again.
    If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
    Steven Wright
  • Catie
    Catie Member Posts: 362
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
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    Really funny Marie - thanks for sharing :)
  • barbara12
    barbara12 Member Posts: 21,281
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
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    brilliant Marie..I do love a good laugh... :lol::lol:
    Love
    Barbara
  • Turbogran
    Turbogran Member Posts: 2,023
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
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    brilliant Marie ha ha had me having a good chuckle.
    Stay positive always👍xx
  • LignumVitae
    LignumVitae Member Posts: 1,972
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
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    Fabulous, you must be the richest sources of giggles I know! Thank you xx
    Hey little fighter, things will get brighter