Something for the "daddies" among us ;)

Accipiter
Accipiter Member Posts: 17
edited 13. Mar 2013, 20:46 in Community Chit-chat archive
RULES FOR DATING MY DAUGHTER

Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."

Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. On issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a Black Hawk chopper coming in over a san hill near Mogadishu. When my PTSD starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is me


:D
-Markus

Comments

  • barbara12
    barbara12 Member Posts: 21,281
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    Hi Markus....that is very good.....I take it your daughter isnt very old ...must say I do feel for daddy's with daughters..my youngest son has a 7 month old daughter...and talk about protective.... :D
    Love
    Barbara
  • Accipiter
    Accipiter Member Posts: 17
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    Hey Barbara,

    she's 9 and a friend of mine posted this today on facebook for me as I keep making jokes about me having to get my gun license in time lol ..

    I'm not that protective but hey we do have a job to fulfill as dad's as well ;)
  • barbara12
    barbara12 Member Posts: 21,281
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    You are right Markus a daddys role is so important..but put the gun away till she older .. :lol: x
    Love
    Barbara
  • villier
    villier Member Posts: 4,426
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    Very good Markus had a good giggle at that, a couple of my Nephews are like that with their daughters, I think if they could get away with putting chastity belts on them they would :lol: .............Marie x
    Smile a while and while you smile
    smile another smile and soon there
    will be miles and miles of smiles
    just because you smiled I wish your
    day is full of Smiles
  • applerose
    applerose Member Posts: 3,621
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    Very good Markus. My 5 month old granddaughter has already been grounded for the rest of her life by her dad. :lol:
    Christine
  • frogmorton
    frogmorton Member Posts: 29,826
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    I have 3 daughters;

    18 17 and 15

    I am printing these rules off NOW

    If I can

    and sticking them to the front door laminated.

    Nothing funny about these rules to me......perfectly reasonable I think

    love

    Toni xxx
  • numptynora
    numptynora Member Posts: 782
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    Excellent Markus, I only have sons (with their own families) I should have thought of some rules -for the girls- when they first started dating!


    Numps x
    Numps x
    Pets come into our lives, and then leave paw-prints on our hearts.
  • Colin1
    Colin1 Member Posts: 1,769
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    Hey it doesent matter how old they are they are still our little girls mines 46 now and still my princess
    Colin
    WHEN GOD GIVES YOU LEMONS MAKE LEMONADE