Understanding from others?

Amy86

Hi guys

I have had an experience this week which has deeply saddened me and I wonder if anything has experienced something similar.

I work full time in a small office and have one colleague who I work closely with and sit next to. I have recently been diagnosed with RA (at only 27) and have actually taken very little time off work but can have really bad days where I'm very teary but really do try my best to get on with it and not moan. I have just been told though, from another colleague, that the woman I work closely with, and would consider a good friend, has said that she is sick of hearing about my illness and that 'we all have problems'

I found this so upsetting and now feel scared to mention anything but this really is a massive part of my life I would gladly swap any of her problems for mine's!

Has anyone experienced anything similar?

stickywicket

That must have been very distressing. Office gossip can be quite nasty. Maybe if you downloaded some of Arthritis Care's info leaflets people would understand better. Unfortunately arthritis pain is often invisible and few of us have the gift of empathising with another's illness or disease until or unless we have experienced it for ourselves.

dreamdaisy

Those without arthritis rarely understand those with and I can understand why. Arthritis lacks 'glamour' or drama, it's associated with the elderly and the average person has no idea that it can strike when so young. This is a common plaint on the forum and there isn't an easy answer. The healthy generally have a low level of tolerance for our groans and moans - we think we're keeping them to the minimum but they won't see it that way; apparently they can say the same thing more than twice but if we do . . . . . . It's not easy but I reckon we've all been there and heard that. DD

applerose

I don't have that problem at work. I told them I had RA and every now and again I'll update them. My boss's wife often asks how I am and my boss is ok if I slow down or can't manage as well as I used to.

I do, however, have this problem with my sisters. We all meet up at dad's on Saturdays and they sit there moaning and groaning about feeling tired and how achey they are. One sister doesn't work at all although she does have her grandson living with her and she takes my dad shopping and does his paperwork for him. The other sister works for an hour at lunchtime and an hour and a half at teatime during school term only, has 3 teenage girls at home. They never ask how I am and if I mention how I'm feeling, they say me too and change the conversation so I often don't bother to tell them how I am now.

It might be an idea, as the others have said, to show them the leaflets so they know how things are for you. Search for the 'Spoon Theory' and the 'Gorilla Theory'. These are both quite good to tell people how you sometimes feel.

Amy86

Thanks for the replies guys. I guess I'm just being over-sensitive but you must bear with me as I'm very new to all of this

Applerose, that's a shame that you feel like that around your family. I always find family are one of the best outlets for a good moan when you're feeling down! I am glad that you have good support at work though as I imagine that must be some kind of comfort

stickywicket

I don't think you're being over-sensitive, Amy, and, reading the others' posts, I don't think they did either. You're very new to all this arthritis rubbish and we all have to learn as we go on.

I do think the AC leaflets, plus Applerose's suggestions of googling The Spoon Theory and The Gorilla.... are a good idea for those who are interested. In fact, most people are not interested so my policy has always been to say nothing to them except, when absolutely necessary, asking for help in doing something.

Pain wears away at our resources and grinds us down. It's probably best to come here when you have those days as we can empathise. Your work colleagues are, undestandably, more likely to view it in terms of how your arthritis increases their work load and puts a damper on their working environment. It might seem unsympathetic but it's a very common, human attitude.

Toots

So sorry to hear this Amy Seems like it's a recurring theme though, from what I've gathered around. Sometimes I feel like a bit of a fraud you know? Nothing much to see on the outside so I can totally see why others might think the same. Educating them might help, but it might not - sometimes unless you've experienced something first hand, you just can't wrap your head around it. Most of all though, remember that their attitude is not your fault - and as someone said, come on here for a moan, I think this is the first forum I've ever been a member of that is both informative and unbelievably friendly in equal doses. Hugs x

bubbadog

Amy, your definitely not being over-sensitive, the advice that has been suggested is very good, some people will just be nasty and bullyish. Which is just sad. It's going to take time to come to terms with the diagnosis, R.A is a life changing illness, you did the right thing coming to the forum and we are all here to support each other including you. So if you ever want to talk, rant or need a shoulder you can leave a post and we will answer, your work colleague has just been fired from her position as a good friend I think!!

Amy86

I suppose I'm lucky enough that I do have other colleagues who are very supportive and sympathetic and a few of them are constantly telling me that I should be delegating some of my workload! Since diagnosis, I have actually taking on more work (suppose I'm trying to prove to myself that this won't hold me back!) and have asked for help with nothing, apart from lifting heavy items, so I'm certainly no burden on my colleagues! I think I'm just beginning to realise that this one person is just a bit mean and self-centred! :?

I do think I maybe just needed a good moan about it

elnafinn

Hi Amy

You are not being over sensitive at all. Some people wish to know about their friends, family and colleagues health issues and others do not. If I had been treated in this way, I would be reluctant to start handing out information about it, white honestly. They are all computer literate and if they wish to show an interest they could google things.

That is why it is so good to belong to a forum, where you can guarantee that others understand, will help and commiserate. That is my back up and I now belong to a couple of forums where I I am learning lots of new things and tips. I also know that I am not alone, which one does feel sometimes if you do not know any else with symptoms similar to yourself. If my friends ask, that is fine, but if not, I leave it. Quite honestly I prefer not to talk about it too much with others, but I am a good listener.

Elna x

Amy86

I do agree with you Elna, it is really easy nowadays to get information on all types of illnesses at the click of a button.

One of my very understanding colleagues, a fab woman and great support to me, apparently talks about me a lot when I'm not there about how she feels I should be getting more help and support and how others should perhaps be helping to lighten my workload, so I'm supposing this is probably what she's sick of hearing about as I rarely ever talk about it?

hileena111

Hi
I think that we can have the most supportive families but unless they actually have arthritis they don't really understand.
At least we on the forum do......no matter what kind of arthritis we have....pain is pain is pain.
So if you need a good moan come here

Some people I find are understanding {that don't have it} but others aren't. My OH's family {his brothers, sisters and their kids and their kids } decided to organise a day out {or his sister did}....she knows I cant walk without any aids....what did she organise :?: :?: A day on the beach :shock: anyone with very little mobility will know that you cant push a walker in the sand {Isn't that right DD? } or use crutches .......when we do get onto the beach what am I going to do....sit all day bored stiff??? Oh no we run around playing football and rounders with the little ones :shock: :shock: :shock: I was told.........So I've said no way can I go.....didn't say to her but I would come home feeling very depressed after watching everyone running around.......anyway I have some lovely friends that do understand

Love
Hileena

elnafinn

Amy86 wrote:

I do agree with you Elna, it is really easy nowadays to get information on all types of illnesses at the click of a button.

One of my very understanding colleagues, a fab woman and great support to me, apparently talks about me a lot when I'm not there about how she feels I should be getting more help and support and how others should perhaps be helping to lighten my workload, so I'm supposing this is probably what she's sick of hearing about as I rarely ever talk about it?

Hi Amy

We do not choose with whom we work with or our boss. Stick with the ones that you get on with and vice versa. Tolerate the others, politely. Sounds like you are doing ok.

We are always here to help out so don't forget us!

Look after yourself,

Elna x

applerose

Yes Amy, we are all here if you need us. I find everyone is lovely and offer an ear to listen and some great advice.