facing reality

nearlybionic

Hi
I have had a few weeks of worrying about one thing or another. I have seen the Neurologist about my tingling/numbness symptoms and am awaiting nerve conduction tests. I have also had my appointment through for the Glaucoma clinic , in October.
I am now 15 weeks post RTHR and am still limping when walking unaided, which is due to poor muscle tone from congenital hip dysplasia and from the op I suppose. I am having hydro and now have been referred to a individual needs physio class to build up my muscle strength. I was disappointed to be told by the physio that my left hip has poor muscle tone (LTHR 4 yrs ago) and that they think this is why I dislocated it at 18 month post op.
I am planning to try to get back to work next month, but am starting to realise that I might not be able to do my old job fully, if at all So I am going to arrange to speak with my manager about what I can do and will be unable to do, and see what she says I will have to do. I feel sad that it is coming to this, but I have to think of my health and know my limitations.
I know have disabilities and that I always will, but although I am pleased to say my DLA renewal has been approved again in just 1 week from them receiving it, it also makes me feel sad . (stupid I know!)
Sorry to sound so negative but it is how I feel at the moment. I will try to get my mojo back but it seems to have been nicked !!
NB

mig

Sending some mega hugs NB (((()))) Mig

kentishlady

A few more (((()))) from me too, NB

Beryl

Toots

Hi NB

Sorry to be meeting you under such circumstances, but glad this is a place where you feel you can let it out. Sending hugs x

barbara12

Hello NB
This is understandably ...you have so much going on , your head must be fit ti bursting...it must be hard when you want to go back to work..you need to concentrate on you for a bit..and who know what the future will bring...I am glad you are talking to us...it will do you good to get it all out...but each day at a time has they say...you know I wish you well with everything...((((())))xx

nearlybionic

Hi
Thankyou Mig, Barbara, and Toots
I have decided that i need to make an appointment to speak to my manager and start talking about things. I am going round in circles in my head with what they may or may not say will happen. I have to go back to work soon ,as financially needs must, my wage has already gone to half pay and I think I am probably healthwise, and mobility wise as good as I am going to get.
I have to start facing up to things. Thanks for your support.
NB

dreamdaisy

I've recently stopped work - I was sick to death of trying to make myself do something at the time of day when all I really wanted to do was go to sleep. All I felt is a huge sense of relief but I am fortunate in that a) I have a husband who can support me and b) if things improve I can start up again thanks to the wondrous joy of self-employment. Yup, b) is the self-delusion thing kicking in - 'if things improve' - who am I kidding?

It is not an easy thing to accept or do but the long-game must be thought about. Continually forcing oneself to do something which is perhaps deleterious to one's health is not sensible and who knows, maybe other avenues will open. Employers require reliable employees and, with the best will in the world, people with our conditions are not necessarily able to be that. Would working from home be an option? Mr DD had an assistant with PsA, she worked from home one day per week, then after a while that was extended to two. When it became necessary for three days per week she decided that enough was enough. DD

nearlybionic

Hi DD
Thanks for you reply.
Mr NB is self employed and the nature of his work can mean that his money is not always regular, and we are very reliant on good reliable paying customers :roll: I cannot do my job from home, well not my home anyway!! That would make life so much easier as my home is set up for my needs, but the homes I have to visit are filled with clutter of other peoples stuff, low seating, stairs/steps, etc.. etc... However as I have been working for a long time I think that if it is decided that I cannot safely carry on in my current role they can look for an alternative role at my payscale . That is only IF there is a vacant post available, I think. I am not sure of the process, or even if I will be eligible. This is why I need to start asking and talking, to stop me going round in circles in my head!
I am nervous about making the call as I feel like they will say i have been leading them on re my future and recovery, but I couldn`t know how I would be in the future.
Ok I will shut up now as I am rambling!!
NB

dibdab

Hi NB,

Feeling for you- sometimes the stuff going round in our head threatens to overwhelm. Maybe if you could talk it through with someone you trust it will help you get your thoughts clearer before you speak to work?

I've recently retired early after 30 years of teaching-I did the part time thing for a while but reality finally kicked in and I knew that I simply hadn't the stamina or reserves(physical and emotional) to keep working in a relentless environment. I am lucky to have a wonderful, loving OH who was just sitting waiting for me to get to that point for myself, and though things are tight financially we muddle through.

Hope you get the support and understanding you need.

Deb xx

hileena111

Hi NB
Everyone has already said it all....

Sending you ((((((((((())))))))))))

Love
Hileena

Boomer13

Hi NB;

Sorry you seem to be under such stress, many ((((()))) from me.

xAnna

nearlybionic

Hi
Oh thank you all, I have tears in my eyes reading your replies. It really helps to talk to you all about how things really are.
I have not done much today. Tidied the bedrooms, sorted my daughter`s information for college enrolment later this week after her exam results. And I am now in so much pain I could cry. My spine actually hurts to touch, and I ache from the neck down wards
Poor Mr NB who has been tiling a floor all day and is also aching lots! But with good reason!!
The fact that I am in so much pain after doing very little has backed up my thoughts about work really. Still doesn`t make the reality any easier though :roll:
I have more than 20 years until I am pension age and the way I feel tonight it can`t come quick enough. I am so sad that I am wishing my life away!
Thanks again all x
NB

hileena111

Hi NB
You have a good right to be "down"....you've been through so much and are still in the middle of it...if you know what I mean.
Waiting for your glaucoma appointment in Oct. Waiting for results about your nerve tests. There's nothing as awful as waiting.
You know that worry and stress makes our pain much worse.
Do you not think that once you get these results and know exactly what you are dealing with it will help....you aren't a newbie to this
I'm sure a lot of it is the not knowing.
Sending you more hugs (((((())))))))

Love
Hileena

nearlybionic

Hi Hileena
I know I am not a newbie, and to be honest I am not particularly worried about the Glaucoma thing, it will either be yes I have it, or no,, but they will still want to monitor me, and if I have it maybe treatment. With the nerve testing , I am just going to wait until I know what I am dealing with before getting too worried, I have enough going on with now to worry about `what ifs`.
It is more the things I know about that are the problem, and knowing that I have to find a way of coping and working with pain and disability for another 20+ yrs that are messing with my head.
I am going to make some enquiries about what I may be able to do workwise before speaking to my manager.
I am really tired today, I didn`t sleep well due to pain in my back and sciatica, and this gave me too much time to think about things!
Thanks for your reply
NB