The Friend

Mat48

Chronic illness is just impossible to deal with while simultaneously managing to keep our healthy friends and ambitions intact? I'm not brave enough to not talk about what's going on in my life but neither am I really brave enough to acknowledge it or ignore it and move on with my life somehow?

I have a good friend - or rather had a good friend - who was a GP and is now a cruise ship doctor. She has dumped me and my family fairly abruptly. I am trying to work out why - I don't recall offending her although she is fairly thin skinned, single and no children. I spoke to her about my RA - a huge mistake. She was around - staying in our house, befriending our children again and now zilch.

I realise its horrible having a friend with long term, ongoing health issues when you are a health practitioner (not mine of course )but she regularly ate Sunday lunch with us, asked for lifts and talked about her own life, including all the stresses and strains of singledom, lovers and used us for career advice and much laughter. We gave her hospitality, friendship, talked about our work as artists with her sometimes -which she always enjoyed a lot I believe.

She never invited us over to hers in return or cooked for us or introduced us to her other friends. I felt this was strange and ungenerous but just accepted that's just how things were with her.

Now she never replies to texts or emails or answers her phone when she's home. She visibly hid from me when she saw me down the street the other day.

Its reduced me to unconfident pulp although I have lots of friends still. I know its because I talked too much about my RA the last time she was here - stupid of me should have just kept my health out of the frame I realise. Now I just feel I have to keep shtum with everyone, including my kids and husband, about the way having RA and the problems with drugs are affecting me - which as it happens is that its currently making me very depressed.

I try to think about other things and not to talk about how worried and unwell I feel but RA and drug side effects seem to spill into every aspect of my life and I can't shake it off somehow - so I'm no longer talking about it at all but its there all the time like a raw bereavement that just won't heal? Does anyone else feel this way I wonder?

dreamdaisy

I think that you already had an indication of her sort of 'friendship' i.e. all take and very little give but kindly accepted that that was just her way. I've known people like that and I don't miss them that much when they've gone. If she's not replying then why bother trying to make contact - maybe she's moved on to leech from another family having got what she wanted from you at that particular time.

There's no doubt about it, we can be very boring people if we go on too much about our troubles, after all no-one has a magic wand. Us DDs haven't lost touch with friends but we don't see them as often for a number of reasons, after all everyone's lives change over time. If they ask me how things are I say 'They're rubbish so let's talk about interesting things.' If I do wish to mull things over there's here where those who are around understand. I don't often tell my husband much about how I'm feeling because he's too busy and can't change anything anyway. It's not easy living with ongoing discomfort, taking nasty meds that sometimes don't do much apart from causing other troubles, and having to narrow our horizons and reduce our ambitions but this is our lot in life. We all struggle with that from time to time. DD

barbara12

Awww Mat 4 words from me not worth bothering about..they are very shallow people when they need you to be on top form and entertaining them when they come round...
You are worth more that they are so try and put this behind you ....there are many lovely people out there xx

Boomer13

Hi Mat;

Yes I feel like that too. That's partly why I sought out the forum here; a place to talk and be understood, not judged and possibly shunned :? .

Our health is so important to us and the emotional effect of losing health and abilities is so great, it's no wonder we tend to think and worry about it all the time when it's gone. I no longer talk about my physical problems to anyone but my family, and one or two friends with chronic conditions (and of course, to forum members). The healthy ones' all seem to believe that my symptoms are to some degree, an inability to just get on with things and not focus on my pain so much (if they only knew :shock: ) It has caused me much grief and insult in the past though (I'm too sensitive too :shock: ). I don't remain quiet to spare them but rather to protect myself from either banal suggestions on restoring my health, or harsh judgements on my mental state (surely this is the cause of many of my problems!!)

It's another unfortunate thing about chronic illness, it appears to make us self-absorbed in all the pain, worry, questions about meds, etc, etc. Yet we remain well aware that this is not a personality trait but an unfortunate consequence of being ill -all-the-time. I was always very generous and a willing, non-judgemental listener to others problems (was part of my job too) before I became ill. I am still this person, I am just always involved, against my will if need be, with being ill. I hate it but there it is. So of course it's difficult not to talk about it; it's all consuming. I have rarely received non-judgemental listening from others who are not afflicted by some kind of chronic ailment. Healthy folks do not want to waste emotional energy on such things until they have to for themselves. I now think this is part of a false reality that healthy people create for themselves that such ailments won't happen to them if they just do the right things. I believed this too, and now I'm sick, have unhappily disproved it for myself. I now consider this to be somewhat delusional thinking and solely in the realm of the healthy. It could easily happen to anyone and when it does, they will be looking around for someone to talk to also.

My (somewhat bitter) view from lonely planet arthritis,
Anna

PS. Your GP 'friend' should be ashamed of her behavior, she is obviously uncomfortable around the emotional issues of chronic illness. Speaks volumes about her strength of character. Well rid of IMO!

phoenixoxo

Hi Mat,

It's a shame to lose a friend, and sometimes it's very painful, especially when you're left with a lot of questions, but it does sound as though your friendship with this person was mighty unbalanced. I must admit, the same word DD uses, 'leech', did pop into my head as I read about the relationship. In fact, rather than regret the end of this friendship, I'd be more inclined to celebrate!

It's a bit simple of me, I know, but I do feel that a true friendship involves give and take, sharing lives through good and bad times, feeling able to communicate openly and honestly. Since the beginning of my arthritis, I've experienced a lot of different relationships and the ones that sustain are built on those solid foundations. True, I've lost a lot of people along the way, but that's just given me more time to invest in the friendships that, today, mean the world to me.

I don't know whether that helps at all, and I'm sorry if it's a bit rambling! I appreciate it's difficult to talk about illness at times, as I find it impossible with my own family. But this forum's the perfect place to let off steam, as there's always someone to understand what you're going through.

Best wishes,
Phee

dreamdaisy

I've been thinking about your post, Mat, why do you think that you are responsible for her woeful behaviour? She's proved to be not the friend you thought she might so surely it's best to forget and move on. DD

stickywicket

From what you've written, Mat, this sounds like one not-very-equal friendship that has run its course. She never gave much so why mourn it? Yes, I think it's always a faux pas to talk about one's illnesses with doctors except in the surgery. They are entitled to a social life too. But you don't appear to have lost much with her.

Maybe I've just been fortunate but, all my life I've had one or two kind, healthy friends around me. There will always be those people who don't want to get too close in case you impinge on their lifestyle but who needs them? As long as there's the odd, good friend around, I think life is good.

I've always found arthritis an extremely boring topic of social conversation. If it bores me I assume it will bore others too. If I can't do something or need help I say so. If I need to talk something – anything – over with a close friend I say so and ask if it's OK. That way it's separate from our 'normal' friendship.

bubbadog

Hi Mat, I lost a lot of 'friends' when they found out about my Arthritis, they all just disappeared off the planet! My darling OH is my best friend and I have a friend who lives in The Netherlands who I email and Skype with and she has been over and stayed with us last year, she also has bad health. And my next door neighbour I'm close with other than that I have this forum where everyone have been amazing. So Mat your not alone out there you have come and joined us where you will have lots of people who know how you feel and you can join in.

maria09

Hi Mat
I had a so called friend like that
Not heard from her for years and my life's better off without her
I can see nothing you have done to upset her its probably just her
Maybe she was a needy type person and you and your family filled that spot for a while maybe she has found someone who now fulfils her neediness more
Try not to think you have done anything wrong as you haven't and now keep well away especially if she tries to come back
Take care
Maria

Kittkat

I don't understand why people would ditch a friend for being ill huh? I would just be greatful I didn't have ra if I was the friend. How shallow and selfish. URGHHHHHHHH!I have met selfish people like that and they no one knows I am ill so it's not all about the ra.You shouldn't be ashamed of being ill BUT you have to understand that it is only people who suffer with it who understand. Not even the rheumies get it. I don't tell anyone about my arthritis because it isn't relevant to the friendship and they won't get it.

Toots

I'm so sorry to hear about this Mat, but I think it's a person issue rather than an RA issue. No truer saying than 'you know who your real friends are when the chips are down'.

I have a friend I visit every week, without fail. Her hubby isn't well with arthritis and other issues and I've always been happy to let him talk, a shoulder so to speak. My friend and I spend the day knitting and blethering and it's lovely. I've shopped for them when they've had no money, I've helped them out around the house, done the emergency pick-up from hospital run. I haven't been out to see them since this all started 3 months ago, as I would have to drive and I can't. I've had one text to ask how I am. No phone call, no visits, nada. So yeah, the problem is not with you or I, the problem is with people who call themselves friends but fail to step up to the plate when needed, imo.

I know this experience won't help ease your pain, but perhaps knowing you're not alone will make you feel less lonely. Hugs x

HARPER04

I just read your post
When I was first with OA my health both mentally and physically did a nose dive along with the OA I spent 9 month in hospital with Gall stone Pancreatitis which gave me Diabetes type 2 to top that I lost my Mother and Father within 18 months of each other My wife and I found out we could not have children which we desperately wanted my wife was made redundant I had to give up my job because of the OA My daughter from a previous marriage was diagnosed with a life threatening illness and we were in danger of losing our house and just for good measure the family dog of 14 years died needless to say my mental health suffered Thinking I could turn to my friends who I known for a number of years I found that when I confided in them the majority of them ran for the hills with the exception of a few I became a social leper Even the most closest member of my family turned her back on me Looking back I wonder how we got through it Those friends that stuck by me are some of the people I love most in the world and when they have had hard times I have done my best to be there for them I have never forgot how they stuck by me
As for those who looked away when I needed them most well what can I say except people like you I don't need in my life and I am better off with out them As are you Mat
Best wishes to you in the Trust and Friendship of the Forum

Mat48

Dear All thanks for your supportive and heart warming responses to this post. I wrote it and then felt so embarassed at what I'd divulged here that I blotted it out - as it was too late to delete it! I never ticked for notification so I had no idea it was still floating about.

Having re-read it and also read through all your replies I'm glad I was unable to delete it. I think it was just that I specified her job etc and felt instantly paranoid that someone would know and tell her! I no longer care a jot but she has texted a few times as if butter wouldn't melt and I get a regular blog update from her which I don't even bother to read to be honest!

You are all spot on in saying that this person is a leach. Never having been one of these myself I have found it hard to identify - most of my friends are brilliant and most are very mutual friendships. They may not know how it feels to have a chronic condition (and I'm genuinely glad for them) but they can usually be there for me if I need them - which I try very hard not to being a believer in self-reliance where possible.

When my mum died very suddenly and unexpectedly a few years ago I foolishly decided to stay the night alone in her house in London, having been to see her in the mortuary earlier that day. Of course I had terrible dreams and was freezing cold, couldn't find a hot water bottle, thought every noise was burglars or murderers (amazing how the imagination flies about in the early hours!) and was in a state of abject terror. I didn't phone my husband, who was far away at home with our three sons and the dog, and nor did I phone my best friend who only lived a few miles up the road, I phoned the Samaritans because I knew that they would be up and out and on the other end of the phone regardless - unlike friends and husband who would then never get back to sleep themselves. I think the same thing applies when talking about our health problems - it's horses for courses really. But that said, if and when we get it wrong and unburden ourselves inappropriately a true friend would surely disregard this?
Mat xx

elainebadknee

Mat

That is in no way shape or form a friend, even before she stopped all communication it was all take and no give on her part....It is a backstabbing bitch....Next time you see her and she visibly hides laugh loudly at her because this is not the behaviour of a grown up....I had someone do this to me and I laughed in her face and also told her she was pathetic and after I did that I felt so much better...
Things happen for a reason and its not your fault, karma kicks you in the **** and she will get her comeupance soon!

Elainexx

bubbadog

I've learned the only friend I have and need is my OH, he is my best friend and I can rely on him to be their when he is needed. And we are here on the forum when you need to speak to someone other than your OH. I hope you can step forward and get on with your life with the knowledge we are always here when you need us.