I can't believe I'm actually going to admit this - but I'm really, really struggling with my husband's illness.
His symptoms started just 6 weeks after our wedding. He was diagnosed with PSA just over a year ago. He started on methotrexate in January 2013, when I was two months pregnant with our first child. We are in our early thirties...
Long story short - the methotrexate is not working and it's making him really sick. He is injecting it now and then he feels awful for days. He constantly has a cold or feels sick - and he is tired all the time. The next step is to combine it with some other drug, apparently, but I'm having to face the fact that.... he's not going to get better, is he?
He doesn't have the energy to spend any time with our daughter, who is now four months. He comes in from work and he just wants to lie down. He is on amitriptyline for the pain, which makes him sleep so deeply, he never handles any night wake ups/ feeds. He is miserable, grumpy and ill - and I don't see an end in sight. I'm exhausted and....
.... and angry. There, I said it. I'm deeply unhappy. This isn't the man I married. This is not the life I signed up for. But I love him and I want to support him, I really do. In sickness and in health, and all that. But I don't know where to find the strength and the patience - not when I have been up eleven times in the night with the baby and yet HE needs a nap. Not when I haven't slept through the night in four months and he promises me a Sunday lie in - but then he is too ill to honour it. Genuinely too ill. We never have any fun together any more - he is too tired to even speak to me some evenings. How do you stay loving? How do you keep giving? How do you cope when you know that this is your life now? Forever?
Where can a partner or family member find support? I am in the West Midlands area.
Thank you. And thanks for listening.