Aaarrrggghhhhhh

ouchpotato

Just had to let off steam. You might remember issues I had with my mum, being difficult etc, storming out of my house when my sister was home blah blah...

So, against my better judgement I invited her up for Christmas. She's on her own and I hate the thought of anyone being alone for Christmas.

(Before I go on let me say that she came up a couple of weeks ago, stayed longer than she said she would which meant that I had to bring her with us to watch the Christmas parade which we go to every year...she totally spoilt it with her sarcastic comments, huffing and puffing and we ended up leaving half way through because of her).

So today she text to ask was she still coming up (why ask when the arrangements are already made???) or if it was 'inconvenient' and that if she WAS still coming up could I pick her up halfway. I've never had to do that before, the coach goes right past my road for god's sake. Driving is so very painful for me now because of hip and groin pain, and yet she wants me to do a 50 mile round trip to pick her up for no good reason at all, probably on Christmas Eve. Like I don't have anything else to do the day before Christmas.

Anyway, I have text back to say I assumed she was still coming as that is what we had arranged, and that I couldn't pick her up from halfway but that I would pick her up from town (still don't know why she can't get the bus all the way here).

Phew...that feels better getting that off my chest! Thanks.

ouchpotato

So far she hasn't replied, by the way. She's obviously got the hump!

hileena111

Hi Ouch
Yes I do remember all the problems you have had with you mother {whats your sister doing over Christmas?}
That is silly to expect you to travel that far in your condition and on Christmas Eve.
Stick to your guns and pick her up in town even though that seems a bit silly as well
Good Luck with her
Love
Hileena

dibdab

Hi Ouch, well done for sticking to your guns. I remember how difficult mum was making things a while back- strange isn't it- folks we love who should do their all to help us often give us the most problems. :madnoel:

I hope that you have a half way decent Christmas, you so deserve it.

Deb xx

stickywicket

I agree with Hilena. Don't even think of driving so far, or even from town if the bus goes past your door. I guess her only excuse would be if the buses weren't running, it being Christmas Eve.

ouchpotato

My sister...that's a whole sad saga. You may recall she went to Cuba and was coming back here for xmas, then back to Cuba, then back here and finally back to Oz? Well, when she was in Cuba she received an email from her son back in Oz. Last year he was diagnosed with a benign brain tumour but they had decided to just keep an eye on it. In his email he said that it had grown and they had to operate within the following 2 weeks. He is her oldest, father of 2 beautiful young children. So she had to fly back to UK from Cuba, then from Uk to Oz to be with him for the op. When she got there she was told the op had been postponed til January! She's happy to be back with him, but the rush was awful and she barely had time to say goodbye to everyone. She also has to have an op herself on Friday which she hadn't reckoned on (she had been advised to have this op before she left Oz but decided not to, however the problem persists so she has been told she needs to have it).
So all in all very traumatic.

I know if I drive all that way I will be in pain xmas eve night, and probably xmas day too. On top of that we always go to an outdoor carol service on xmas eve night (we live in an old village and the whole village turns out for it with mugs of mulled wine etc, followed by fireworks, it's beautiful) and if I'm in pain I won't be able to go.

Gggrrrrr...... :xmas_evil:

hileena111

I'm sorry to hear about your sister......things have been traumatic haven't they
Hope things work out at that end and as for you well....I imagine you will stick to your guns

Love
Hileena

thistlegirl

Wow Ouch, You must have earned a halo for inviting her up for Christmas after the problems she has caused you this year.
I hope you stick to your guns and don't drive to her.
I hope I would be as good as you with a misbehaving parent but I strongly doubt it!

Jenny

villier

Sorry about your sister Ouch, but your mum if it was me I would be kind but very firm and tell her she is more than capable of coming all the way. I hope you get it sorted out and it doesn't spoil your Christmas................Marie :rudolph: x

ouchpotato

Hi all

Well no reply to my text saying I couldn't meet her halfway so she is definitely stropping...I'll be ignored now for days! I wouldn't mind so much but it's no hassle for her to get the coach all the way...granted there is a change of coach half way but you get the second one at the same stop as you get off the first one and there is a max wait of 30 minutes AND it's at a place where there are shops and coffee shops so even if she missed the first one she can wait in the warm. I've figured out what this is all about; when my sister was here I drove into town to pick them up from the coach station (prior to that mum has always got off at the end of my road), so the next time when I said she could just get off here she said, quick as a flash, 'well you picked sis up from town'. Now, when my sister was going back after staying with me a week I drove her to the half way point as she didn't have a clue where to get the coach from...now it will be 'well you took sis there, why can't you pick me up from there?'
When I got back from dropping my sister off I was in agony, driving more than 15 minutes plays havoc with my back and hip and it took 2 days for the pain to subside. Now things are worse, can you imagine the pain I'd be in all over Christmas? I'm a single mum so have no one to share the load of cooking Christmas dinner or any of the usual stresses of xmas day so the last thing I need is pain that could be kept to a minimum.

x

daffy2

I would be inclined to leave the ball in her court. By definition whatever you do is going to be wrong so there is no point in getting into an argument about it(although I know how easy it is to get sucked into these acrimonious exchanges!). Stick to your guns, ignore the bad behaviour(toddler taming anyone?!) and let her decide whether she wants to come to you and grumble or sit at home and sulk.

ouchpotato

Toddler taming...that made me laugh!

I won't get dragged into anything; I read my text to my two teenagers before I sent it to make sure it was ok, nothing in there that could be misconstrued and they both said it was fine. To be honest I am too tired and in too much pain to get into any kind of exchange. She is welcome to come here and spend Christmas with her daughter and grandchildren, to be catered for and included in the festivities (I adore Christmas) and generally looked after, kept warm and well fed. I will put up with her constantly telling me I am boring for not drinking alcohol (she drinks, I don't) and her using half of my cocodamol because she refuses to go to her own GP, leaving me with no pain relief. Surely that is enough?

It will be interesting to see whether I hear from her this week - it's my birthday on Thursday and my rheumy apt on Friday so we will see!

:madnoel:

stickywicket

Daffy has, as usual, hit the nail on the head, ouch. I'm with her 100%.

Please don't share your cocos. I remember the problems you had last time. Low dose cocos can be bought over the counter. We all have to be responsible for our own medication - even mothers :roll:

dibdab

Well done - keeping sticking to your guns Ouch!

Seems to me your mum is trying to twist the emotional guilt screw, and if you respond it only reinforces bad behaviour because she wins- more toddler taming strategies(spent 30 years teaching young children, it taught me a lot about children of all ages and their bad behaviour!!!!!!!).

So sorry to hear about your sister and nephew, I hope things work out well for them both. Sometimes I think my mum plays up when she isn't the centre of attention- maybe your mum is a bit similar?

Your village Christmas celebrations sound really special, and not to be missed, Christmas is a time for families to enjoy together not to be dominated by one person trying to inflict their opinions on everyone else.

Deb x

ouchpotato

Hi Sticky

Yes, I had this problem before. The problem is she will sit here, complaining about a headache/neck pain/sore throat and then ask if she can have a couple of my painkillers. Then again before she goes to bed, and then the next day. It sounds so mean saying no when she is in 'pain' but then it leaves me without. I've told her to go and ask for cocodamol OTC but she won't do it, someone else has to do it for her! It really is like having a child!

I think I will buy her a packet of cocos (low dose) and have done with it, although even that makes me feel like I am pandering to her but at least it will leave my own supply intact.

Deb, I have been thinking a lot about her behaviour lately, and I have come to the conclusion that she gets 'ill' when she isn't getting attention, as in she brings the symptoms on herself. I don't know if you remember me telling the story of her being ill and then going home and me having to do a 100 mile round trip to pick her up 2 days later and take her to hospital? Well, every time she is here she mysteriously gets the symptoms again and we all have to tip toe around her. Then when my sister went back to Oz in a hurry she got the same illness again and had to be taken home, leaving my sister distraught at the airport alone. It seems to be her way of avoiding situations she can't handle. After me picking her up and taking her to the hospital, she went from being at death's door to recovering in the space of about 4 hours. Oh God, it's exhausting.

stickywicket

I think buying her her own supply of cocos is a good idea. If yours are a higher dosage, don't let her know. I do hope she can be trusted not to overdose on them. In any case, cocos are not usually given for headaches, sore throats etc, just paracetamol.

If she's going to behave like a child maybe it would help to try treating her like one ie reward 'good' behaviour, not bad. If she's kind and thoughtful praise her for it and thanks her and say how much it helps. If she's demanding try to ignore her. (I guess the naughty step's out of the question :xmas_evil: )

Boomer13

Gosh ouch, sounds like you have enough stress. I'm sure your mum can can make her own way to you for Christmas. Think of your own well-being and don't let her spoil the things you want to do. Take care(()).

xxAnna

ouchpotato

Sticky, I won't even tell her they aren't mine, it seems the easiest way. And I'm loving the idea of the naughty step! :xmas_mrgreen:

ouchpotato

Anna, yes I do have enough stress and she only adds to that. She's very very difficult to handle. I had to text her today about something else and I asked her what day she was coming, and she replied xmas eve...no mention of the fact that I can't pick her up...I hope she doesn't think if she ignores it it will go away!

dibdab

You really do have my sympathy. I love my mum to bits, she gave us a wonderful childhood, but since dad died 7 years ago she is so much more demanding and less reasonable/reasoning it's like reverting to childhood. I know how much she misses dad, but all 3 of us(I've got a brother and sister) do our best and have busy lives too. I just try to keep remembering that one day I'll get old too, and maybe get lonely and fearful. I wonder whether your mum(and mine) sometimes feels out of control and doesn't know how to ask for the help and reassurance she needs.

I think you sound like a tremendous mother and daughter who is managing admirably in a difficult situation. Please try to keep making some time for the things that make life feel worthwhile for you- we only get this one shot at life and living. My lovely hubby talks about "taking time to smell the roses"- it's a really positive and life enhancing philosophy when we can remember to do it .

I think the idea of getting a supply of OTC coco's in ready for mum is fantastic. And maybe next time she claims to be so ill you could call her bluff by offering to ring the new 111 service so that she can describe her symptoms to a professional and ask their advice? Then if they think she needs it they can arrange a hospital visit without you needing to drive and face the pain it causes. Would your older children(can't remember their age, sorry) talk to mum so that she understands how much pain driving causes you? I know my lovely daughter has had a quiet word with my mum before now- mind you they have an excellent relationship and Beth gets away with being much blunter than the rest of us can!

Sending a supply of hugs ahead of mums visit to prefill what the twins used to call a "cuddle box"
{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{ :noel: }}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Deb xx

Toots

Never rains but it pours, does it ouch? I'm so sorry to hear about your sister's bad run, I do hope she feels better soon herself. In the meantime, have a hug for yourself! I admire you for taking the attitude that you are with your mum. I'm not sure I could be as nice as to ask her to Christmas given her behaviour, so I take my hat off to you! Easy for us all to say, don't give in and go pick her up, don't pander to her. But I know that sometimes the 'easiest' route is just to give in for the sake of some peace. I sincerely hope you manage to have a good Christmas, regardless, and that you can get through the season without the naughty step ;-) x

Boomer13

I have a lovely mum, so I can't imagine how hard that must be! I do have one family member who I don't get along well with and merely thinking about having to visit with him sends my stress level sky-high. The best Christmas was one where I ignored all comments designed to irk/manipulate me and just focused on happy memories and good things about his personality. Somehow I was able to laugh at the nastiness that year.

Sadly, I haven't been able to repeat my strategy successfully again (it's extra hard to remain composed when one is in pain, don't you think?). I grit my teeth now and aim for just getting through Christmas dinner relatively unscathed. I let my husband guide the evening as he finds all of it very funny and I really wish I could too! :madnoel:

My best to you.
xxAnna

bridesmum

Happy birthday Ouch. I've just read this thread and think that your mother sounds like a nightmare! Anyway hope you had a nice day. Deb

ouchpotato

Aw, thanks Deb. Unfortunately it was a massively painful day as I went Christmas shopping and on the bus home it was all I could do not to lie down in the aisle and cry :xmas_cry: Before I even took my coat off when I got in I was chucking cocodamol down my throat (it doesn't really work but I had nothing else to take!)

My mum continues to be difficult. She wanted to know what to get my oldest for xmas and I said a new look voucher. So when I was in town, in agony, hot and stressed she phoned me. I had to leave the queue I was in to answer, and she was getting irate, asking me where new look was in HER town (I haven't been in there for 20 years!). I had no idea, and she was getting annoyed with me as I couldn't give her an answer. I was close to collapsing and then had to deal with that. I'm afraid I was pretty short with her! So it goes on!

I'm at the hospital later today for my follow up, so hopefully I will have some answers and some pain relief that actually works.

Have a good day all

ouchpotato

Dibdab, your post reminded me of my favourite poem, one that comes to mind often when life is rushing by.

WHAT is this life if, full of care,
We have no time to stand and stare?
No time to stand beneath the boughs,
And stare as long as sheep and cows:

No time to see, when woods we pass,
Where squirrels hide their nuts in grass:

No time to see, in broad daylight,
Streams full of stars, like skies at night:

No time to turn at Beauty's glance,
And watch her feet, how they can dance:

No time to wait till her mouth can
Enrich that smile her eyes began?

A poor life this if, full of care,
We have no time to stand and stare.

dibdab

Just dropping by to see how your appointment went? Hope you got some positive outcomes.

I like that poem too, I think it sums up much of my philosophy in life.

Take care,

Deb cc