feeling mean

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bridesmum
bridesmum Member Posts: 181
edited 18. Feb 2014, 07:07 in Living with Arthritis archive
I have been having a really rubbish time for the last few weeks with my fibromyalgia and o/a. I was reaaly bad on wednesday having minded my 10 month old grandson for the day. Luckily my husband came with me and he did everything other than feeding and changing him. That evening I was flaked out on the sofa with 3 hotwater bottles and my husband had gone to the pub to watch football. It was really windy and the lights kept flickering, about 8.45 my friend texted me to ask if our electric was off as theirs was. I replied no we still had power then she texted back asking "can we come for a brew" my heart sank as I was feeling so rough and in my pj's plus they'd bring their dog with them as he can't be left so then it would be mayhem when he and my dog started charging round the house. I honestly couldn't face having to make small talk...her husbands hard work! So I texted back "I'm in my pj's" and I haven't heard from her since. I texted her today but she hasn't replied so I think she fallen out with me :( am I a horrible person for saying no?

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  • stickywicket
    stickywicket Member Posts: 27,731
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
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    No, of course not. You were right to refuse but why not tell the truth ie you'd had a very demanding day and your arthritis was playing up. If she's a good friend she probably felt a bit snubbed that you didn't want to see her because you were in your pyjamas. The truth not only was more authentic but also would have sounded it.
    If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
    Steven Wright
  • salamander
    salamander Member Posts: 1,906
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
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    I think it is fine to say no and not have to explain. 'I'm in my pjs' is a very clear message you are tired and wanting to relax and not have to entertain. If she's a good friend she will understand you can't be available all the time.
  • mig
    mig Member Posts: 7,154
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
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    No no no and no . Mig
  • barbara12
    barbara12 Member Posts: 21,281
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
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    You are not horrible and a proper friend would understand x
    Love
    Barbara
  • ELAINE55555
    ELAINE55555 Member Posts: 123
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
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    I would text her now and say I did not mean to snub you but I was not feeling too good the other night. Why dont you come round for a cuppa? If she does not reply then you know where you stand.
  • stickywicket
    stickywicket Member Posts: 27,731
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
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    An excellent suggestion, Elaine. No point in falling out over a misunderstanding.
    If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
    Steven Wright
  • DebbieT
    DebbieT Member Posts: 1,033
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
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    I was a terrible people pleaser but I really learned who my true friends were, that includes the ones from inside my own family, wen my fm & arthritises kicked in fully!!

    Learning to say no for ure own benefit is really hard & I've found that out to my own detriment so I'd definitely take the advice to give a brief explanation & offer of a cuppa via text. She may be a true friend that's just a little hurt coz she feels snubbed. If she does visit u can take the time to try & explain if you wish.

    Good luck.
    (((Hugs)))

    Xxx xxX
    Healing Hugs
    Debbie.x
  • bridesmum
    bridesmum Member Posts: 181
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
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    Thanks for your good advice ladies. I'd texted her yesterday and she didn't reply which isn't like her so I thought she must be really hurt. Anyway she texted me this morning to say with the power cut she had lost use of her phone and broadband. We spoke this morning and I told her how poorly I'd been and she was fine with me. I think that because I have spent my whole life saying yes to everyone now that I'm having to say no I feel guily and think no-one will like me! Pathetic I know.
  • DebbieT
    DebbieT Member Posts: 1,033
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
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    It's not pathetic, I've been there!! Unfortunately some people may be that shallow but I'm REALLY glad this friend isn't one of them :D

    The combo of fm & other illness necessitates us to be a little more selfish, it isn't easy being people pleasers & learning to say no but it's important that we do.

    Xx xX
    Healing Hugs
    Debbie.x
  • barbara12
    barbara12 Member Posts: 21,281
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
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    I'm with Debbie you are not pathetic at all but kind and caring not wanting to upset people..I am so glad you have sorted it... :D and I hope you feel a little better..
    Love
    Barbara
  • stickywicket
    stickywicket Member Posts: 27,731
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
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    It's not pathetic but it is understandable. I still hate to plead pain, tiredness etc as a reason for not doing stuff and I have far more years of this rubbish under my belt than you have. It was a happy ending. That's the main thing :D
    If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
    Steven Wright
  • phoenixoxo
    phoenixoxo Member Posts: 625
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
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    Hi bridesmum,

    The others are spot on, it's kind of you to care about your friend. I used to hate feeling I was letting people down, but these days I take the view that it would be letting them down more if I pretended I felt up to seeing them, only to fall asleep while they were talking -- it has happened! :lol:

    Best wishes,
    Phee
    PsA (psoriatic arthritis) and other things since 1990. Happy to help when I can :-)
  • Barbieg
    Barbieg Member Posts: 40
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
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    What a lovely kind and caring friend you are. We all have to juggle what we can do and how we are that day. I've been in your situation myself and it's really difficult as our friends are so special and the last thing we want to do is hurt them or not be there for them. Being in my 70's I really appreciate my friends who I've known for over 45yrs, but I've lost friends in the past who have not understood what RA and Fibro are. I realised as I got older that sort of friend isn't a friend , but it's hard because as you say , we all want to be liked. (Well I do!!) so glad you sorted it out. Barbara
  • dibdab
    dibdab Member Posts: 1,498
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
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    So glad that things with your friend have sorted- and I'm sure if she's a real friend she will absolutely understand that when you're feeling unwell being sociable is hard. Perhaps one of the hardest things for us to admit is how much this disease impacts on every part of how we live, and making ourselves vulnerable by admitting that to others. Aren't we lucky when we have family and friends who love and support us no matter what!

    Deb x
  • bridesmum
    bridesmum Member Posts: 181
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
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    Thanks for all your words of support, I just find it so hard to let people know how I feel and tend to play it down. Only my husband, mum and sister really know how much much pain and fatigue I feel every day. I really appreciate the support and advice I get from everyone on this site....we all know how we feel day to day don't we?
    Cheers, Deb