Understanding other half?

Slosh Member Posts: 3,194
edited 22. May 2014, 11:41 in Living with Arthritis archive
Yesterday I was told that I have to stop taking NSAIDS as I have developed erosive gastritis, my hubby's response was to say that I wouldn't have needed them for much longer as I'm "getting better". I told him that arthritis isn't like that and that is something you have for life and which gets worse.
Today when I said I wasn't feeling great and was worried about how bad my pain was going to get now he said that as I "said yesterday that I had it for life now" I just "had to get used to it".


  • jul
    jul Member Posts: 40
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    Oh Slosh
    How insensitive. He obviously doesn't know much about it. Must make you feel really low. Seeing you suffer everyday, surely he must know or is that just him. People who don't have it, can never understand the things we go through. Sorry, am not putting down your hubby, but there are many people out there who have that attitude and its hard for you. At least, on here, people understand.
    Jul x
  • Sarah01
    Sarah01 Member Posts: 192
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    Hi Slosh,

    I understand and sympathise with you. When I was diagnosed, my hubby was great. He understood the pain I was suffering with. I think we were both coming to terms with the diagnosis at the time. It was new for both of us.

    After the THR when I was struggling, he would keep telling me to take my meds and to start being positive about my recovery. He forgot at times that I still had OA in the other hip. My husband spends a lot of time in the middle east and wasn't home for the majority of my recovery, so he didn't see how bad it was. I know he will always be there for me and to support me but I think it's hard for him to understand OA as he was away for a lot of my appointments. I told him about this forum when I joined last year. Finding this forum was like a breath of fresh air. He once asked why I post on here and I told him that the other members could relate to OA and what I was going through. He was happy for me to have other people to talk to.

    I told him today about my surgeon's appt and the confirmation of OA in my knee. The only thing he said is I know I'm not home at the moment but I am here for you in spirit and I will always be here for you. He may not fully understand OA but I am lucky to have him in my life and to know he will always support me. I think it's hard for those who don't have OA or RA to understand what we are going through.

    Sarah x
  • stickywicket
    stickywicket Member Posts: 26,360
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    You are going through a very tough time right now on several fronts - the op, the continuing throat problems, the worry about singing again, the gastroscopy, the fear of life without NSAIDS and now the hiatus hernia. You need your man's support.

    I don't know what sort of a marriage you have but I do know that these things affect both people in a marriage albeit in different ways. Maybe you've always been someone who copes and your husband is finding it scary that you're wobbling a bit. Maybe he feels inadequate to help you through the immediate future. He could, of course, just be completely insensitive and uncaring but probably not, I'm guessing.

    You need to work through this together and each talk openly about how it makes you feel and how you will deal with it. There are Pain Clinics and lots of techniques for coping but adjustments will probably have to be made by both of you. Maybe a chat with our Helpline people for a start?
  • hileena111
    hileena111 Member Posts: 7,099
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    Hi Slosh
    Apart from (((()))) the only thing I can suggest is that you get some of the leaflets ....would he read them?
    Google the spoon theory.....My OH is very supportive but I'm sure doesn't really understand.....don't think you do if you haven't got it.....sorry that's not a lot of help
    Love ((((()))))
  • dreamdaisy
    dreamdaisy Member Posts: 31,557
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    I think that most men have a fairly straightforward approach to being ill: you flake out in bed, take some pills and lo! One is better again and back to firing on all cylinders. They also like to fix things. We take pills, have ops and somehow don't get better (not properly so) let alone fixed. It's a strange concept in this day and age, yes?

    Your man may be feeling helpless and inadequate, it can be hard to understand the plight of another, especially when the other is a great love. Men are not natural nurses either (Sticky and me can both attest to that having recently been on the receiving end of 'care' by our blokes :wink: ) so it is important to keep the lines of communication open. I don't bang on about pain but, if I realise that it's going to be a tough day then I warn him. He irons his shirts when I can't and cooks and clears every Saturday and Sunday. I know he worries about me but we don't have long, involved conversations about our life with arthritis - I'm at the sharp end and he knows that. DD
  • Slosh
    Slosh Member Posts: 3,194
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    Thanks everyone. Sticky I think you are right, with everything going on I'm very sensitive at present. He does help a lot around the house but I think he just finds it hard to talk about it and the fact that English isn't his first language can be a bit of a difficulty sometimes in terms of how he puts things.
    I know his heart is in the right place.
  • barbara12
    barbara12 Member Posts: 21,164
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    Slosh ..I agree with Hileena get him some of the leaflets to read ...maybe he will understand more...men eh... :roll:
  • Boomer13
    Boomer13 Member Posts: 1,931
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    I think when you are on the spectator-end of the relationship, solutions to problems can appear very logical and black and white. Not so, as we who are going through having arthritis well know.

    Men also have a need to fix things and may not adjust well to realising that something can't be fixed in a logical way. He may not understand his own reactions to seeing a loved one constantly suffering with a problem that can't be fixed. My own hubby's reactions to seeing me in pain completely baffled me, and I didn't have a clue what was going on until I forced him to bare his soul. I had no idea my illness was affecting him so badly. He then declared it was our disease and that he was going through his own version of it. This was so very helpful to me and I was able to think of him more after that, not just feeling alone with my problems.

    Hang in there, he will figure it out eventually. Offering reading material about chronic pain/arthritis is a great idea.

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