Loo-king for inspiration
stickywicket
Member Posts: 27,764
I am flushed with pride/ My (very well) hidden talents have finally been recognised and I have been invited to perform the Grand Opening Ceremony on our friends' new downstairs loo.
The honour falls to me because I've been unable to access their upstairs one for months, ever since they bought a newer, fractionally thicker stairs carpet and no amount of tugging, yanking or shoving on Mr SW's part could persuade my legs to stretch the extra fraction. We discovered this after I'd drunk two glasses of champagne to celebrate their daughter landing a new job and ended up with me sitting on the step next to the bottom and Mr SW lifting me bodily up, one step at a time. (I was only halfway when our hosts came out of the kitchen to investigate the unseemly laughter.) Never again! It was a hair-raising trip in the days when I didSince then, when visiting them, I've simply had to monitor my liquid intake fastidiously and cross my legs (and fingers) every time. However, now it's all about to change. I have been invited to declare their new downstairs loo open.
What an honour! What a dilemma! What does one do (Steady :oops: )? What does one say? What (small) gift should I bring as an offering to my Deliverer? I rely on your suggestions, good people.
The grand ceremony will take place on Tuesday evening when I shall finally accept their initial offer of a cuppa, have wine with my meal and unlimited coffee afterwards. As the Python team's 'Four Yorkshiremen' would say "Luxury. Pure luxury."
The honour falls to me because I've been unable to access their upstairs one for months, ever since they bought a newer, fractionally thicker stairs carpet and no amount of tugging, yanking or shoving on Mr SW's part could persuade my legs to stretch the extra fraction. We discovered this after I'd drunk two glasses of champagne to celebrate their daughter landing a new job and ended up with me sitting on the step next to the bottom and Mr SW lifting me bodily up, one step at a time. (I was only halfway when our hosts came out of the kitchen to investigate the unseemly laughter.) Never again! It was a hair-raising trip in the days when I didSince then, when visiting them, I've simply had to monitor my liquid intake fastidiously and cross my legs (and fingers) every time. However, now it's all about to change. I have been invited to declare their new downstairs loo open.
What an honour! What a dilemma! What does one do (Steady :oops: )? What does one say? What (small) gift should I bring as an offering to my Deliverer? I rely on your suggestions, good people.
The grand ceremony will take place on Tuesday evening when I shall finally accept their initial offer of a cuppa, have wine with my meal and unlimited coffee afterwards. As the Python team's 'Four Yorkshiremen' would say "Luxury. Pure luxury."
If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
Steven Wright
Steven Wright
0
Comments
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Air fresher. Mig0
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What about a crinoline lady toilet paper holder?He did not say you will not be storm tossed, you will not be sore distressed, you will not be work weary. He said you will not be overcome.
Julian of Norwich0 -
You can get nice embossed toilet paper with gold crowns on it , you could be queen of the thrones!! only a hundred and fifty quid a roll :shock: xxSmile a while and while you smile
smile another smile and soon there
will be miles and miles of smiles
just because you smiled I wish your
day is full of Smiles0 -
Maybe a plaque..with SWC on..how brilliant , bet you are looking forward to going now, to the house I mean I love the crinoline toilet roll holder used to have one :oops: xxLove
Barbara0 -
Oh dear SW
Can't really ask you to carry out the grand opening of our new loo,having had just the downstairs one,have now had one installed upstairs.
(with 2 loos we now mix in more posher circles.......... 8)
Ron''Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy''. Benjamin Franklin (1706-1790)0 -
a. Scissors to cut the ribbon which should be placed over the seat, under the lid.
b. Anti-bac wipes (just to make a point).
c. A stentorian bellow of 'I declare this lavatory OPEN!'
d. A box of matches (isn't that an American solution to a possibly oderous situation?)
DDHave you got the despatches? No, I always walk like this. Eddie Braben0 -
Here's a toast for the ceremonial "flush".
I toast to you my porcelain friend
without which there would be no end
to my painful wanderings to relieve my bladder
I can now drink, drink, drink, like a mad hatter!!
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You could smash a bottle of Harpic over it, "I name this ship..." ( yes I did say "ship" )
Numpty0 -
Brilliant, all of you. I think arthritis and inventiveness must go together. However, I've decided on a simple solution that will be appreciated by one and all. A bottle of something nice will find its way into the loo eventually :oops: meanwhile we'll all have had funIf at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
Steven Wright0 -
So are you Queen of the Cloakroom? Are you flushed with success or down the pan in despair? Please update - I for one am very keen to know :oops: because I am very fond of matters both lavatorial and scatalogical. :oops: DDHave you got the despatches? No, I always walk like this. Eddie Braben0
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It was wonderful! They are old friends but, even before the new, thick stair carpet, I had to confine myself to one visit to the throne room as the journey upstairs was too scary to be repeated.
Yesterday I had a big mug of tea before setting off. They brought out some prize-winning champagne from their friends' vineyard in France, I had wine with the meal and lovely coffee afterwards.
I can't lock the new loo but so what? I can rarely lock them. I showed my appreciation by using it - twice - and Mr SW's only contribution was to haul me off their sofa each time. All in all, a very successful dayIf at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
Steven Wright0 -
Brilliant can just see you on the loo with the bottle ..you can now look forward to more visits..Love
Barbara0 -
ooh Barbara closed my eyes and pictured Sticky on the loo swigging from a bottle Mig0
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Steady ladies, steady! It's wonderful to know what a high opinion you all have of meIf at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
Steven Wright0 -
It would save Mr SW having to haul you off the sofa. You could dine in there too; the image of you seated, knickers down, munching and swigging is priceless! DDHave you got the despatches? No, I always walk like this. Eddie Braben0
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:shock: Would you please put my knickers back on right now :oops:If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
Steven Wright0 -
Have you not seen the cricket stumps loo roll holder? Everytime I see it advertised I think of you!
ElizabethNever be bullied into silence.
Never allow yourself to be made a victim.
Accept no ones definition of your life
Define yourself........
Harvey Fierstein0 -
You can also get a toliet brush and holder that look like a large bottle of wineHe did not say you will not be storm tossed, you will not be sore distressed, you will not be work weary. He said you will not be overcome.
Julian of Norwich0 -
Move over Sticky laughed so much I need to pee ,oops too late should've used the tena lady :oops: Mig0
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