You look well!

lynnoot

These are the words that make me so cross! How many times do friends or others tell you that you're looking well. I know they mean well, but it really doesn't help to be told you look well when you're feeling c..p. Maybe we should hang a sign round our necks to say "I feel awful today, so don't ask"

I usually try to put on make up when I go out and cover up imperfections and smile, but it doesn't mean that all is well.

stickywicket

I just smile and say “Good.” My real friends don't ask

applerose

People often tell me I look well but I usually can't be bothered explaining so just say thank you. If they ask how I am, sometimes I say I'm fine but sometimes I think people need to know I'm not fine. Problem is their eyes often glaze over if I tell them how I really am. They'd rather not know.

Slosh

I'm so glad I'm not the only one who dreads hearing that phrase. I think it's sometimes more about what the other person either wants to believe or they feel that it's an encouraging thing to say to make you feel better. Last Sunday, after Church just as one friend had said this to me, another, more perceptive (?) came up and said that I looked as if I was in pain. Guess who got it right!

dreamdaisy

I look fantastic at the moment, tanned, naturally blonde hair bleached by the sun (thanks to my sitting out for ten minutes every day sans sunscreen to help improve my Vit.D levels) but how I feel doesn't match. I don't get upset when people say I'm looking well, I say 'Thank you, I don't feel it but it's good to know I look OK.' Job done, no feelings hurt. Those is the know recognise the crucial sign: no earrings means DD has dropped a couple of levels from her usual moderately grotty.

People mean well - I'm sure that in my time I've said well-meaning but idiotic things to others who have temporary health issues. DD

Slosh

DD, can I use that reply or have you got copyright on it?

My sister is a repeat offender on this, she seems to feel,she has to make a postive comment every time we talk, at least these are phone calls so she doesn't see me reply through gritted teeth.

barbara12

You sort of get use to it or so I thought till one neighbours asked why I still use crutches with a grin on there face...after having my hip replaced..so I answered I have got attached to them..like SW says your real friends know you

mamasmurf

I love it when people say this ; however bad I'm feeling inside I try to look ok on the outside ; clean , tidy , make up and jewellery accompanied by a smile . My close family and friends know it's all just window dressing !
mamasmurf

Slosh

I think window dressing is something we all get good at. I always think when putting on my make-up before going to work that I'm putting on my mask to hid behind. As you say good friends know and understand.

toady

This is such a tricky one. I definitely do the window dressing thing, but if you do it well enough, it contradicts why you are turning down invitations etc & people get understandably confused. I know I've created so many mixed messages in my time.

The thing is if people don't know it's a 'front' they ask you round anyway, or assume you're 'better'.. but if people knew it was a front, I'd feel like they were peering really closely for signs of cracks underneath, or would treat me like a brave little invalid. There's no good answer to it for me, especially with the variable nature of the illness, as you can't give one answer for all time. I'd just like people to know I'm ill enough to make sense of my behaviour, but at the same forget it again! so I don't feel uncomfortable. I hate being the subject of any close inspection & questions. Basically, I tend to think that if people know I'm ill enough not to be working & going on holiday, and they know how little they see of me & what I seem to say I'm doing, then a bit of imagination & tactful assumption ought to fill in the rest without asking. I don't know if I'd have that insight myself though if I was the well person.

I know I don't want to be told I look like I'm in pain.. but I don't really want someone thinking it to themselves while telling me I look fine, either! It's a minefield..

lynnoot

No it's definitely not easy; another one people say is "you never complain". I think what's the point, no-one wants to listen to you going on about how you really feel. I have 2 good friends with RA and if I feel really down and awful I know I can talk to them and they will know how I feel and what it's like, but the others would just glaze over and not listen.

hileena111

Hi
When people {not friends particularly} Say I am always cheerful or I look good....I take it as a compliment.... I've tried hard to look as good as I can....... at my age
As for the cheerful bit....well you've got to try and be positive. You can sit in a corner and think "I've got arthritis....I cant do anything or you can think I've get arthritis and get out and grab the world buy the scruff of the neck LOL This isn't aimed at anyone in particular but I know a few people that live around my area that think like that :?
Its when people that don't know you very well expect you to be able to keep up with them and do the things they can and at the speed they can that makes me mad.....That's when you find out who your friends are.
Love
Hileena

Boomer13

This statement used to make me a bit angry but now I really ignore it. I think often people don't know what else to say and they want to encourage you with a positive comment. I try to believe that mostly people mean well, even if their comment is misguided. I also had the fantastical belief that how you looked matched how you were doing physically. I think most healthies have that perception. I found out the hard way how wrong it was :shock: .

I do look well. Not at all like how horrible I used to look when I was stressed trying to keep my full-time job. Sometimes if I'm feeling cheeky I say "with all the rest and good food I get I should look well". Mostly I just say thank you and change the subject. We have no control over other's perceptions so I try not to be bothered with what they say. I have noticed a different expression on the faces of people in chronic pain, kind of like anger but not quite. I recognise it on myself and lots of others. It's not grumpiness, it's pain, but I think it's often interpreted as unfriendliness or anger.

The worst things ever said to me were from a lawyer at my work benefits appeal. Terrible, from an unfeeling twit. I have that as the worst thing anyone's said to me and no one else has bettered him in 3 years.

dreamdaisy

The worst thing I've been told to date was via a 'born again' ex-parent from my teaching days; apparently I have arthritis because Satan lives within my body. FCOL (for crying out loud). At least I rely on visible props. DD

mig

my sister in law thinks if i tried this therapy or that therapy i will be cured in no time,silly cow,she's always thought she knew best.Mig

Slosh

Mig, I'm with you on the therapy thing.
My husband , who is Muslim, telling me it's Allah's plan for me. Not helpful.

My sister who tells me that her prayer group are all praying for me and says it in such a way that it makes me feel as though I'm letting them down by not "getting better".

A preacher who said if we were not cured by God it was because our faith wasn't strong enough.

I am a Christian but don't believe that, perhaps that's where I'm going wrong!

lynnoot

The last person who told me I looked well was the nurse when I went for a blood test!

jamart

My pet hate is when people repeatedly ask me " isn't that ankle of yours any better yet?" No and its not going to get any b****y better! :x

dreamdaisy

I remember being told by a well-meaning-born-again-idiot that I have arthritis because Satan is living inside me, and that if I wish to be cured all I must do is accept God into my life. I pointed out that I happen to know arthritics who believed in God - unsurprisingly she had no answer to that because there is no answer.

In my view religion is an attempt by mankind to explain the inexplicable, hence, Slosh, your husband's comment. DD

mig

some one said to me on friday "you look good retirement suits you" i just smiled though hubby said i snarled.Mig

Slosh

I have just ordered a mug with the slogan

My chronic illness must be doing wonders for my appearance.

Everybody keeps telling me how well I look!

dreamdaisy

A friend had a mug which baldly stated 'I only have one nerve and you're getting on it.' I rather liked it. DD

LignumVitae

I like it when people say I look well - at least my body and I can get that bit right! I can generally have a giggle at the well meaning comments, the 'is it better now the weather is hotter/colder/dryer/wetter?' I also love how my mum thinks I will be better after a good feed as if rheumatologists should be handing out a ticket for a Sunday roast at LV's mums house. Truth is, all the you look wells are really just your own personal cheering squad hoping for you to be better. Or that's how I choose to see it and when you see it that way it's like you've got all those crowds lining the route in Yorkshire this weekend lining your route and for me that's a good thing.

dreamdaisy

That's a good twist on things, LV, thank you; do you mind if I adopt the same thought pattern? DD

Slosh

Thinking the same as DD. I try to take that attitude but don't always manage it.

LignumVitae

Adopting my thought patterns may be the dusty road you are welcome to it though. I know from watching Mr LV who came onto the scene later in my arthritis story that it can be quite confusing and hard to understand. Just this morning he did his complete question/ answer sentence of 'anybetter? sorry, I know I won't ask'. It's just people hoping and loving and if we don't have those what have we got.
As for satan being inside me, oh I do hope so, at least a little bit of devilment - life would be quite dull as a permanent saint. Imagine no bad thoughts?!