Thought last year was bad enough

GraceB

I won't depress you by listing my terrible year last year but suffice to say I'd hoped 2014 would be better. Not too much to ask is it? Apparently so.

My late sister's surviving daughter is 25 and like her late mother and late sister before her, has inherited a defective cancer gene - LiFraumeni Syndrome. (Interweb will tell you all about it). Kate - my neice - had a double mastectomy and reconstruction last year to remove the risk of breast cancer as she has 3 kids

This year she's been ill. Numerous tests, scans, ultrasounds. She is 25 and she has kidney cancer. She has surgery on 12th August to remove the growth and they are 'hoping to save her kidney' but there's no guarantee. It is also hoped that surgery will deal with this effectively for her.

Her other kidney has been cleared although at one time both were thought to be affected. She has something on an ovary too but that's okay apparently.

During all of this my other half had been going through active surveillance for prostate cancer (he was diagnosed 2010 in one part of the prostate only). He had biopsies done early July and we got the results last week.

Yep! You guessed it folks although there are no prizes for being right in this case.

His cancer has spread to all the prostate, he now needs a radical prostatectomy and radiotherapy in order to treat this.

I have absolutely no idea how I am going to cope to be honest. My health is getting worse (see other post), my family wanted my elderly widowed mother to stay in her home after we lost Dad last year and you can guess who's doing most of the donkey work there can't you? Yep right again! On top of all that there are rumours at work of another restructure - or rationalisation which is apparently this year's description for potential redudancies/job losses. Now I have my partner to get through this when he already struggles with M.E., (Chronic Fatigue Syndrome) plus my neice. I feel like I'm one of those ducks you see on your local pond. Serenely gliding by but peddaling like the clappers under the water just to stay still.

If anyone has any magic answers please share them with me.

Sorry for the moan and if I've depressed you, I usually try to stay positive and cheerful but at times it's not always possible.

GraceB

barbara12

Oh Lovey I really do feel for you, life can be shift...I am stuck for words only to say we are all here for you has we are for each other, I will have everything crossed for your hubby and niece..that the treatment is successful ..please try and look after yourself in all this, it wont be easy..but just keep talking to us...it will help...(((())) xx

LignumVitae

It never rains but it pours and this sounds like a typhoon. I'm not sure how you get through it but I imagine you'll claw your way somehow and whilst you do rest assured we are all here, right behind you every step pushing, pulling and hugging you to better times. (((((((()))))))

Megrose489

Just to say that I'm thinking about you, Grace, during this most difficult time. Look after yourself. ((()))

Meg

stickywicket

This is very tough indeed, Grace.

You certainly have to be there for your OH but, as for the rest.....I don't see how you can possibly be your mother's main carer. Even from a purely practical point of view, you'll only make your own health worse and then things would have to change anyway. If you don't take care of number one you can't take care of the others. That sounds harsh I know but sometimes saying 'Yes' can become a habit which others rely on. The occasional, but firm, 'no' could make things easier.

bridesmum

Hi Grace, you must have really broad shoulders to cope with all that is being piled on you. I hope that your OH has a successful result from his treatment and also that your niece does too. I know it is hard to say no to anyone's request (I can't ) but I do think under the circumstances you should stop being the main carer for your mum. Me and my OH were the only carers for my father-in-law for about 3 years and the strain was terrible even though I was in better health then. After much soul searching we put into a residential home and he was fine. From falling several times a month when he was at home he didn't have any falls in the next 2 years and we felt like a huge responsibility had been lifted.
Take care, Deb

bubbadog

Grace all I can say is my heart goes out to you. (())

GraceB

thanks for your comments everyone.

Mum has official carers going in 3 times a day so they do all the personal care stuff, and her neighbour is very good with the domestic stuff but I have to try and cope with all the financial, medical appointments, and day to day things that crop up. I'm also first contact if she pushes her lifeline. The staff there will phone me and are amazed when I refuse to go and pick her up when she has a fall. I have to explain each time that my back and joints are bad and if I fell I couldn't get myself up from the floor, let alone help anyone else up.

Thing is, my family all said 'no nan/mum must stay in her own home, we'll help' but then push comes to shove and they do nothing. My nephew (that's her grandson) does the lawns for her and visits her but as for the rest - it's still all mouth and no action. They don't seem to realise that my health isn't improving as time goes by and that I am struggling. They do sometimes say ' you look knackered' or when my brother is down his partner will say 'we haven't seen much of you this week'. Whilst they're here, I'm having a rest and a break.

So, we plod on and do what we can.

Tomorrow will be a better day - we hope!

Take care,
GraceB

tjt6768

That sounds awful hun.
I wish I could do more but all I can do is listen and send some Yorkshire Blokey Hugs, gentle ones of course..
you must put yourself first, if only every now and then.... personally I would sit the other family members down and tell them, 'I cannot do this anymore, and I need help'

I have everything possible crossed for you and him indoors

stickywicket

Grace, you have to be firm but kind. You will have all on caring for yourself and your OH. Others must look after your Mum or she must go into a residential home. There are good ones if you do the research.. I know this will probably seem like a dereliction of duty to you but it's not - it's simply sharing the load. None of us is indispensable.

villier

Awe Grace what a time of it you are having, but, you do need to think of yourself, there is nothing we can really do apart from being here for you anytime............... you take care...................Marie (((()))) xx

GraceB

Thanks for your posts. I really appreciate them.

I do keep reminding the family of my limitations but I think the thing is I always try to keep a positive slant on it, and when possible, a smile on my face, so they probably have no idea of my daily challenges.

I do say 'no' whenever I can and I feel that the person is going to listen.

My late sister used to be the person that the family went to in times of strife and since we lost her February 2013, I suppose I feel kind of responsible for keeping as much of an eye on her kids as I can, even though they are all grown up with the exception of the youngest who is 17.

I will continue to stand my ground as much and as often as I can.

Thank you all.

GraceB

stickywicket

It's not at all easy, Grace. If you try to be positive, and of course that's a good thing, it's all too easy to give the impression that you cope easily. We get post after post on here of people saying their families and friends 'don't get it' but sometimes we do give off the wrong signals. I hope you can find a compromise that works for you.