Take my husband. Please!

Slosh

My OH has been away this week so although he knew about my acquisition of Fred and Ginger (crutches) thanks to my physiotherapist he had not met them.
So he comes back today, and says "Do you really need them?"
I thought about
a; thumping him with one
b; saying, no, I just got them for the fun of it (but remembered he doesn't get sarcasm)

But I took a deep breath, said yes and reminded him that the physio wouldn't have given them to me if he didn't think I needed them, and that when I saw my consultant yesterday after assessing me he had said that I have significant weakness in my left leg and was glad I had been given them.

He has now gone out as he does a stall on Sundays so stays wth the frend he runs it with Saturday evenings. Probably just as well.

Now where are those chocolates?

LignumVitae

Oh Slosh! You have my sympathy - I think some men can be that unable to politely express surprise at a reality (that's putting it politely). Mr LV would be just the same. Sensitive it isn't, shock it probably is. Supportive of you it might be once he has got his head around it. Unlike us I've noticed that spouses often feel they need time to come to terms with our changes. Now wouldn't that be a luxury?! At times like this the chocolate will be far more comforting than a husband ever could (or that your and my husband, somewhere there is a perfect Adonis).

dreamdaisy

I concur with LV, this sounds like shock to me too. He may have known about Fred and Ginger but now he's seen them and they are an inescapable reminder that things are not as right with you as they might be. If he's anything like Mr DD was in the early days then he is probably feeling rather helpless - arthritis is hard on us and our families too. DD

stickywicket

Husbands! Can't live with 'em: can't live without 'em.

When I first borrowed a wheelchair for our holiday I hauled myself out of the car, gingerly climbed up the kerb and then, as I was about to sit in it, noticed MR SW patrolling round and round it like a lion circling its prey.

"What's up?" I asked.

"Nothing" he replied "It's just that, for the life of me I can't work out how it stays up :shock: "

Just what a nervous new rider doesn't want to hear.

So, Slosh, if you don't mind, I'll decline your kind offer. One is enough :roll:

Slosh

Thank you all.
I think it was the shock of seeing them and he is finding it hard to accept what has/is happening. It's complicated by the fact that I have a feeling he is frightened as his late Father had Parkinson's, and there is a cultural factor as he is originally from Pakistan where there is a vety different attitude towards disability. I know that in his heat of hearts he would like me just to be sitting at home resting all day, and to be earning enough to support me so I could give up work.

He isn't good about talking about this to me, so I hope he is talking to his friends. As I can't force him to talk to me about how he is feeling.

He feels a bit redundant in the kitchen as well now as I can no longer eat his very spicy Pakistani home cooking.

Now he's seen them, heard the explanation again hopefully he'll be ok.

dreamdaisy

I think that, generally speaking, males are not that open about their thoughts, feelings and (in our cases) their fears for us and them. Despite the past eighteen years mine still occasionally says that things will get better for me, which is worrying because only one of us seems to understand that 'better' is not an option; mind you he has the 'misfortune' to be generally healthy which is not a helpful in understanding my / our situation.

It is not easy for our spouses but there again it ain't that easy for us. :roll: It is important to keep the channels of communication open but not to the point that we are always banging on about how tough things are for us; over the years we've worked out some code words so he knows when to up the level of practical support. It takes time, Slosh, these are still the comparatively early days for you and him. DD

Slosh

Thanks DD.
I like the idea of code words for bad days. You are right that this is new to him as well. Thinking about our conversation yesterday he seems to be trying to find someone to blame for the op not being more successful, he began to complain about how long I waited, that I should have had the op sooner etc. I did put my foot down at that point as I don't find the "if only..." game helpful. I think he is still angry with me that I refused to allow him to go to wealthier relatives in hs family to borow the £6000 I was quoted to go private but I didn't want him getting into debt or the obligation that went with that. He also wanted to copies of all my medical reports and initial scan to send to his elderly Uncle in Pakistan for his advice but I also vetoed that as I felt this was an invasion of my privacy plus the ract his Uncle is a Paediatrician. He must also be worried seeing the changes in me after having see his Dad suffering from Parkinsons. The bottom line is that he feels helpless as he can't make me better and I won't let him wrap me up in cotton wool.
He is good about doing all the heavy housework that I can't manage, I think it's the emotional part he finds harder. In the end I have to let him work things out in his own way as I can only deal with my emotions at the moment.
So good to have all of you and also my wonderful daughter to get things off my chest to.

dreamdaisy

Men and emotions. Hmmm, they have them but general society can frown on little boys crying or discussing their feelings - the phrase 'man-up' is one of the most damaging I know. As far as I am concerned strong men cry etc.

I think you and he have met one of the more unpalatable faces of medicine and surgery, viz. sometimes things don't result as they could. It's no-one fault, not yours, not the surgeon's, not your husband's but it's natural to wish to apportion blame. For what it's worth I think you're doing OK with your attitude and approach but he too needs support. It's not easy. DD

PS Our most useful key phrase is 'I'm having a rough day.' That is usually texted to him around mid-day, then he knows that he will find dinner on the table but he will have to wash up 'cos I will have gone to bed.

Slosh

Thanks DD. I agree wholeheartedly with you about the damage phrases like big men don't cry can do.
I once had to plan behavioural support for a boy whose Mother had died when he was 8, I got involved a year later and his foster carer told me he had never cried, when I dug a bit deeper I found out that her last words to him had been "don't cry when I die". So out of loyalty he didn't, bottled up his grief and developed big anger problems.
I've left out booklets mentioned the phone line so now need to let him find his own way through this and hopefully even if he can't open up to me he will find someone else he can talk to. It's not just this, he does tend to shut off on me when he is worried about something and I've learnt to give him time and space until he is ready to talk.

stickywicket

You are so right, Slosh. It would have been both a shock and scary for your husband, especially in view of his father's Parkinsons and the different cultural attitude to disability which, I imagine, is all too understandable in parts of the world where there is no NHS to pick up the bills and soften the impact.

I think 'finding someone to blame' is just his – maybe male – way of getting involved and trying to help. In the first very uncertain months after my mastectomy (my lymph nodes were affected but they couldn't get them all out due to the arthritis in my shoulder), Mr SW was all for complaining and suing about time lost in operating. I insisted that, if these were to be my last months, I wasn't going to spend them in anger and litigation.

There is a perception that 'going private' means getting better treatment. From all I've heard, I'd strongly dispute that. Quicker, yes: better, no. I quite agree about the 'if only' thing. Looking backwards only saps one's strength and leaves us less able to deal with the present.

I do hope Mr S is talking to his friends. My husband talks more about emotions since he retired and took up golf than ever before in his life. They are a group of four who retired more or less together and I joke that they only play in order to sort out their prostates, sciatica, colostomy problems etc You mention how great it is to have your daughter's support. Is there a male relative who might help support your husband?

He will feel helpless and that's tough. I have been known to exaggerate how helpful some of Mr SW's actions are, partly to encourage him to keep doing it but also precisely so that he does feel he's helping and being of use and included.

Just a thought – if he enjoys cooking, could he still do it when you have friends round? Maybe with small adjustments for you? I don't eat meat so, when we have friends I modify my part of the meal eg if I'm doing a casserole for them, I'll do a veggie one for me. I might even do mine in advance to save my legs and just reheat it in the microwave on the day.

Slosh

Thanks for that Sticky. He does have quite a few friends over here as well as his nephew who he is close to and his Uncle in Pakistan who is a retired doctor ( at one point he wanted to send all my medical records to him for a second opinion, but apart from not wanting someone I didn't know and wouldn't be talking to myself to see my personal records I pointed out he had been a paediatrician) so there are people to talk to.

As for cooking, I would need to make myself something seperate as everything he cooks includes large amounts of spices, especially chilli and he starts with a prepared spice mix which he adds to. I think his reaction to my not being able to eat spicy food was the strongest. He said he couldn't imagine it and was shocked!
I agree about private, unless you have insurance its not really an option and in quite a few cases the NHS picks up the bill when there are complications.
I do thank him for helping with jobs about the house, although he says that is very English, and have learnt not to interfere when he does things differently to how I would.

Sure we'll get there in the end.

stickywicket

Slosh wrote:

have learnt not to interfere when he does things differently to how I would.
.

I still stumble over that one It's the washing line. I peg things in such a way as to avoid ironing them. He pegs them in such a way they never dry

dreamdaisy

I have learned that how I do things is not necessarily the 'right' way: his outcomes are very similar to mine despite the variations involved in peeling, chopping, cooking, serving, clearing, ironing, washing, dusting, cleaning etc. but it was me that waited for around three hours (after a double carpal tunnel op) for a cuppa because he had to send an email, which in turn led to many others. Quelle surprise. :roll: When his appendix was exploding (but we didn't know that was the trouble) he had a clean bed every six hours or so. After my ops? I changed it meself because someone had to. DD

Slosh

After he retired my Mum tried to get my Dad to help with the housework. Her main complaint was that he didn't see dust! In the end he took over in the kitchen which was a result as my Mum wasn't the greatest cook, although she did cook great suet puddings, the old fashioned way, wrapped in a cloth.

villier

I don't have one any more kicked him to the kerb a long time ago :P in my opinion men don't see the wood for the trees until a golf ball hits then on their napppers and knocks some sense into them. Joking aside i'm sure after he gets his head around things the 'penny will drop' xx