children . . . . should I give up on the idea?

charleeh

Hi all,

I am just wondering how everyone else gets on with having children with arthritis.
I have sero negative arthritis and take tocilizumab, methotrexate, tramadol, and flit between arcoxia or ibuprofen.

I hear you are supposed to come off all medications for a while (I hear between 2- 4 years?) before trying for a baby? - has anyone managed this without causing a huge flare and therefore being unable to conceive if you know what I mean :roll:

I have heard that arthritis goes away while pregnant and then comes back with vengeance - how do you look after a baby when you can't look after yourself?? My flares are very debilitating and I have lost a lot of the use of my wrists.

To be quite honest, after seeing my friends all being healthy and having children - even my younger sister has a child too I feel so disheartened by the situation I think I have given up on the idea as it seems impossible.

What if the medication somehow damaged the baby and made it poorly? What if the baby had my condition - as you all know, you wouldn't wish arthritis on your worst enemy.

I'd love to hear some of your stories please,

How have you got on starting a family with the condition??

Thanks and best wishes,
Charleeh x

dreamdaisy

It makes a refreshing change to read a post from someone who is looking ahead to the practicalities and the health of the child rather than the 'I want I want I want' which is the more usual tone.

You will have to come off the meds and there is no saying how long it will take you to conceive. If you do then the one or two options when pregnant won't do much in terms of control should you flare during pregnancy (and that can happen). Alternatively your arthritis may leave you alone for the whole nine months, and maybe a few weeks after, but it will come back and usually with a roar rather than a whimper. Arthritis and children don't come with an off button - LV has been having a truly miserable time of late with sixteen month old twins and a massive flare - her thread may be worth a read about as it tells it how it is rather than the romanticised idea of motherhood that seems to prevail (but not with you, you seem to have a wise head on young shoulders).

For me not having children was the only way to go. I inherited some unpleasant genes from my parents but they had no idea what they were passing on because they weren't troubled at all by poor health - and the medicos didn't know then about genes. Things are obviously different now, and the drugs for all sorts of conditions are there, but it may be worth your while reading some of the posts on My Child Has Arthritis. You may need a tissue to hand, even my stony heart warms through with the eloquence of the posts - and sometimes the sheer desperation from frightened and bewildered parents. You, on the other hand, would have a head-start in understanding what was happening.

It is one of life's imponderables - what does the future hold? You have to follow your heart and if you go for it, then good luck and I hope things go well. Make sure you have friends and family on board with understanding about the amount of help and support you may need when the arthritis is having its fun with you. DD

mamasmurf

I find it difficult to reply to your questions . I inherited my RA from my mum , she died when I was 20 of cancer and to be honest I didn't give any thought about passing on my maladies and papasmurf and I had 3 children ; boy , girl , boy . I'm now 59 and dealing with the RA , OA , fibromyalgia ,sjogrens syndrome and dupuytrens contracture . My 3 children are all settled and married and all 3 of them and their spouses have made conscious decisions not to have their own kids .
Our daughter suffers from an auto immune lung disease connected with RA and is in the early stages of her own RA adventure . Our youngest son is in the process of all the testing associated with RA at the moment .
I wouldn't be without my wonderful family and yet everytime one of them is suffering ; I can't avoid feeling guilt at passing on my own rubbish genes to the people I love the most .
I would never advise anyone to miss out on children if it's what they truly want as life is a lottery and it isn't a certainty that you'll pass on an illness , but keep thinking and discussing it together .
mamasmurf

stickywicket

A good question and a very wise and thoughtful one, charleeh.

I think the timeline for coming off meds is 6 months before trying for a baby but I hope younger, more clued-up members will be able to give a more definite answer to that. I had my sons so long ago that I was only on NSAIDS before the first. I'd guess that my RA was milder than your sero-neg because I did manage on them, albeit with pain and incipient deformities. I believe steroids are now allowed during pregnancy.

During my first pregnancy I had a remission throughout but I'd soon to abandon my plans of breastfeeding as I flared badly and had to go back on medication. For some weeks we all stayed with my Mum & Dad because I couldn't have coped with the baby and housework while flaring. My second pregnancy was a nightmare of pain and just soluble aspirin and there was no third one My Mum came round once a week while my boys were little to help out and Mr SW was a star too. (An elderly aunt once remarked "This baby has two mothers." ) It was very difficult but we all pulled together.

I'd asked my specialist beforehand about the risk to the babies of RA and the thinking at the time was that there was no genetic component. We now know differently but the genetic risks for most forms of arthritis are still small. I guess if there is a genetic factor for auto-immune diseases on both sides they would be much greater. My sons were lucky but I know I would feel dreadful if my genetic grandson developed it.

Which brings me to my next point. After several miscarriages, my daughter-in-law and younger son decided to adopt instead. They got a lovely 4 yr old boy who is now nearly 8 and has brought a great deal of joy into all our lives.

If you've any questions I'll be happy to answer them but try reading here as there's lots of info. http://www.arthritisresearchuk.org/arthritis-information/arthritis-and-daily-life/pregnancy-and-arthritis.aspx

charleeh

I know I have bad genetics; me with sero negative arthritis, my auntie on my dads side has RA and takes MTX, my auntie on my moms side has RA and takes humira so there could well be a family link.

Also, my dad sadly suffers from schizophrenia, which was passed on to my older brother but luckily not to me - I am not sure if that means if I had a baby boy that he might be at risk of that too! :roll:

It's such a shame that you can't pick all the best bits, I mean, I studied accountancy so I can be quite clever (when it suits me ) and my Dad was a member of mensa for a few years too when I was a child.

Unfortunately I do not have family support, my brothers and sisters are all wrapped up in their material lives if you know what I mean? my husband is lovely and really helpful and understanding, but he works full time - we couldn't afford for him to give up work to look after me and a baby :roll: My relationship with my parents is very distant - they are both very selfish and don't help me with anything now even if I am very ill.

Sticky I have thought about adoption, but honestly after the neglect I suffered as a child from my parents (which brought me to be raised by my Nan) I don't think my heart could take a child turning around and saying that I wasn't it's real mum - if that makes sense? - I have considered fostering, I have aunt (not by blood) who fostered for years, she did a lot of good there. But I do not think that fostering is something my husband would want to do - I think he has given up on the idea of children too.

The only people I have spoken to with children have 'accidentally' fell pregnant and stopped treatment when they have found out; I haven't spoke to anyone who has done things by the book so to speak. Which is frustrating for me as I couldn't do that, I would be too concerned that the medication could damage the babies brain or something and cause a condition like schizophrenia or behavioral issues ? -I know that is very unlikely but it wouldn't show up until the child was a lot older would it?

I know I shouldn't get jealous of my friends and family and people I see but I can't help it sometimes, people don't know how lucky they are to be able to have a normal life do they?

I guess I might have to be resigned to my little cat as my baby having a child is something I would not enter in to lightly, without getting too philosophical.

Thanks for your replies folks.
Charleeh x

stickywicket

You'd need to look into the genetic factor with someone in the know. It seems to me, with RA on both parent's sides, you yourself had a much greater chance of inheriting it. However, you still only provide one set of genes to any potential offspring of your own so I'd guess their chances of inheriting the 'RA gene' would be less but please don't take my word for it. As for schizophrenia, I think the genetic component would apply to both male and female offspring. I guess you just got lucky on that count.

I do understand the 'You're not my real Mum' thing. But, even one's biological children can come out with hurtful things sometimes. (I write that as someone who has a very good relationship with both of mine )

I'm so glad you will not be someone who 'accidentally' falls pregnant as that would expose the developing child to all the potentially harmful meds at a time when cells are dividing and changing at their fastest.
I think it's human nature to envy others what they have and we do not, whether it's children, good health, loving family etc. You seem to have been very unfortunate in having neither supportive parents nor good health but you have wisdom and thoughtfulness and a good husband and they are priceless.

Why not have a chat with your rheumatologist next time you see him / her or even your GP? You could try looking up some of LignumVitae's threads. She had twins about 14 months ago. They sound utterly adorable but she is really going through the mill with her arthritis.

Starburst

Hello Charleeh,

A very difficult subject indeed and something I have thought about in great detail. I am currently single and only in my mid twenties, so don't yet feel too pressured.

I was born with 2 serious genetic conditions but I am fortunate enough to be affected incredibly mildly which is rare. I lost the genetic lottery but won the luck one. Even pre-autoimmune (RA and rare eye condition), I knew I'd have to have genetic counselling prior to conception. As you pondering the idea, it might be worth talking it through with a geneticist and make an informed decision? I'm only thinking in terms of not having any regret if you've visited every avenue.

You've had some good advice from people more knowledgeable than me and I'm sure some others with experience will come along in a minute.

Take good care of yourself, this isn't an easy decision to make.

P.S. pets made wonderful babies!

tkachev

Fortunately I was only on sulfa and ibrofrufen when expecting baby no.5. As she was an accident I never stopped to think about how I'd cope as she was on her way regardless. I don't think I'd have planned another child as bringing up her brothers while having RA had been very tough.

Yes I had a massive flare afterwards and it was tough but I don't have any regrets. Who says life has to be easy? I'd have welcomed better support from the OH and family though so things could have been much easier.

Edit; I did worry about the effect of the meds but was soon reassured.


Elizabeth

charleeh

Thank you for all the advice and input folks.

Sticky you are always full of wisdom!

I spoke to my husband about it and I do think he has given up fully on the idea and is not open to fostering or adopting. When I met him I know he wanted children, can't help but feel its my fault if you know what I mean?
I can't help but wonder if I will think there is something missing in my life as I get older. :roll:

Maybe I should write a book as my 'contribution to society'

Charleeh x

dreamdaisy

This is not your 'fault' - the marriage vows include 'in sickness and in health' for a good reason (and not just the shorter lifespans when they were formed). There is more to parenthood than creating your biological offspring and he may be thinking more along the lines of demands on your health when fostering or adopting - no off switch, remember?

Mr DD and me knew from the word go that we would be childless, I was against and he wasn't bothered, we have had a very happy and fulfilling marriage without the clutter and stress of childcare and it's still going strong. Should a child have arrived then the state of the marriage would be the same but I would have been continually watching and waiting for the first signs of trouble - that wouldn't be a good thing. Am I missing anything now? No, I enjoy hearing about my friends' children and grandchildren (the grandchildren appear to be the fun ones to have) but I don't regret my choice one iota.

None of us know what the future holds but I knew early on that this version of Russian Roulette was not for me.

I wish you both well. DD

LignumVitae

I'm not sure how old you are Charleeh, in my mid 20s I had no expectation of marriage and children. I now have a husband and twins.

In terms of the genetic implications I just look at the girls and feel so glad they are alive, of course I pray they don't get arthritis but I know enough genetically 'normal' people who have had offsprings that have developed problems that I think it's a chance worth taking - my brother has nothing worse than flat feet to contend with, I have arthitis and asthma but I don't think he has a better life than me because of that. Sure the pain and all the rest are a nightmare but would you choose no life over that? I know I wouldn't.

Withdrawing from the drugs to conceive was very hard work and took a lot of mental strength as well as endurance. Being in a flare with toddlers is a nightmare but there isn't a day, no matter how hard, that goes by when I don't see the magic and they don't melt my heart or make me laugh out loud. I do have support in that my Mum looks after the girls whilst I work but generally, if I am not working it is me and the girls. We don't do exciting and amazing things all day but even at my sorest I am chief story reader and cuddle magnet. Children aren't the bee all and end all, I am sure without them I would travel more, eat out more and do more things that were 'for me' but with them I am more contented than I expected to be - I think I am lucky there though, I had no expectation of being anything other than rubbish at being a mum but arthritis and other things in life have given me more patience and imagination with them than some of my more 'able' friends if that makes sense?!

Just remember though that this isn't about you failing or not failing your husband, it will be your body that deals with hell of a lot if you do it. Maybe, when he says he has accepted he won't have children he means that and so there is no need to think otherwise and feel guilty - he is more than content with you and the life you share rather than a life he thought about once.

stickywicket

charleeh wrote:

I spoke to my husband about it and I do think he has given up fully on the idea and is not open to fostering or adopting. When I met him I know he wanted children, can't help but feel its my fault if you know what I mean?
I can't help but wonder if I will think there is something missing in my life as I get older. :roll:

It's not your fault that you got arthritis, charleeh. You are in no way to blame and I'm sure your husband doesn't blame you. It might well be that, although he did want children, he's now decided it would be far too much of an ongoing burden for the woman he loves.

I think men give up on the idea of children more easily than women. They just turn their attention elsewhere. I hope you can do that too if you decide not to have any because looking back with regrets is never a good way to go. Look forward with hope instead. Join a writing group if that interests you. There are online ones.

There might be 'something missing' but not all of it would have been good. Kids give you the best and worst times of your life and the worst times are much worse that arthritic 'worst times'

charleeh

Thanks Sticky

jojo03

Hi Charlee

When I was younger, I was a lot like you in that I wasn't sure what to do for the best. I asked my consultant's advice about whether a child of mine would be more likely to have arthritis, and he said there was a slightly increased risk.

Of course, as I got older and the biological clock kicked in, all I wanted was to have a baby. My RA was much worse by then and coming off the drugs was almost impossible. The times when I did manage it, I felt too ill to try to conceive!

I'm now 47 and am trying my best to accept that fact that I am childless. I have three lovely pets who feel the benefit of my maternal instincts!

I guess I'm saying - if you think there's a chance you may become very broody in the future, then perhaps you should do everything you can to increase your chances of having a child - or find ways to make your life as fulfilling as possible without one.

Good luck with whatever you decide!

Jo x.

mermaid

Dear Charleeh,

You have such a difficult dilemma and I really feel for you as it is such a personal and emotional issue.

You have had varied replies which reflects just how personal this is.

I was told that 6 months off strong drugs (mine were gold injections at the time many years ago) is the safest. My RA came on post-natally very severely for a year which was hard, but our son is such a joy and a very special person. We did go ahead and have a second and third child, both equally precious people who enrich our lives greatly. Pregnancy and breast feeding gave me my only remissions in 42 years - I was very lucky.

I asked about heredity before becoming pregnant again and was told there can be a genetic marker in families, though one certainly doesn't necessarily develop the disease. I have no idea where my RA came from in earlier generations.
Our eldest son has AS, which is a different genetic marker from RA, but I still feel very bad when he is in pain. He seems to manage it well without drugs though.

This was purely my own experience, we are all in different situations and different relationships. All I can say is that if your feelings are strong enough, you will know which way to go with your partner alongside. Men don't have the hormonal urge women do,, but often emotional longings which are special to them. Just keep communicating about it openly is the best way. Maybe both of you talking it over with your Rheumatologist, GP or specialist nurse might help? (Depending on their communication skills of course!)

Whatever you decide, I wish you both the best of luck, health and happiness.

L x

East2West

I don't know how to answer this but your post has touched me hence me responding. I'm in my early 40s having recently been diagnosed with OA of the hip. I've led a reasonable life though like you my partner & I do not have any family support - just each other. From my own experience my body has been ticking by & where it might be too late already for a child, we're considering it. It does scare me as who knows what the future holds. Life is incredibly tough for some people even without the presence of Arthur. Don't blame yourself, we know that life sometimes isn't fair in the cards it deals. Follow your heart. You will make it work if you strongly want to. Good luck.

jdm

I can relate to your dilema as that was my dilemma wheh I was in my twenties. I also have seroneg arthritis, which I developed when I was 19. It took me 5 years to find a dr willing to give me sulfasalasine, and I was lucky that when I came off it a few years later I stayed with just a mild arthritis for which I rarely took meds for. After several years of yoga, swimming, walking and even some running, I felt well enough to consider children, something i never though I would be well enough for. My first pregnancy at the age of 35 was trouble free as far as my arthritis went but I developed spd/pelvic girdle paim and a slipped disc. Post pregnancy flare was ok however I continued to have spine and pelvic pain which was attributed to the spd. A year ago I had my second baby, arthritis slightly worse in pregnancy and spd very bad, ending up on crutches trying to look after a toddler with very limited help from family. After my daughter was born by c section - which I fought to get due to previous traumatic birth, I had the worst flare imaginable and was given a massive dose of anti inflamatories. 6 weeks of hell from nerve pain and c section led to the gradual realisation that my back and pelvic pain was in fact AS. I was not under a rheumy, so spent 6 months waiting to get back on sulfasalasine. Im currently waiting for the meds to work.....

Yes it is hard working and having kids with arthritis and I worry they might get it, but we could all die tomorrow!

charleeh

Thank you all so much for the replies on this topic. I can't tell you how much it means to know that I am not on my own with this very difficult decision!

I still have very mixed feelings - the big question really I guess for most is what are you here for - a friend of mine said she feels she was put on this earth to have her kids. Me, I just have a sense of urgency that I need to save the planet - read into that what you will.

My sister in law has just started to have to look for high schools for my nephew - and its so complicated these days.... I can't imagine how stressful i would find that and I know stress brings on flare ups for me :roll:

I find my rheumy doc doesn't take me very seriously - which I find rather annoying sometimes, I am indeed a philosophical person and a Buddhist and that can sometimes be misread. I feel if I try to talk to him about this he will brush me off and say don't worry about that yet and not want to talk about it - because of my positivity I feel he doesn't listen that well, others who are openly upset etc seem to get more attention..... he who shouts the loudest is always heard..??

If I decide not to have children, I'd feel better if it were my choice and not in the hands of disease if that makes sense? This condition makes you so powerless sometimes - unable to fulfill the basic human functions!

Thanks again for all your replies and support. I will speak with my rheumy specialist and see his reaction - but I think mostly my mind is made up to not have children of my own.

Maybe my husband will come around to the idea of adoption in the future.

Best wishes,
Charleeh xx

stickywicket

Most things to do with children are stressful, including the decision whether or not :roll: It's a tough one but so good that you are giving it so much thought.

If your rheumatologist isn't too approachable why not your GP? Ideally you want someone with a fair knowledge of both arthritis and you.

mermaid

Dear Charleeh,

Given your reflective and philosophical approach to life I feel you have almost answered your own questions with the support of your husband. However it does sound as if you need a professional endorsement to help you. If not your rheumy (and I do understand what you say about presenting positively then possibly not being heard when you have a serious question), do you have a specialist rheumy nurse available for a chat about this specific issue? Sometimes they have a bit more time and understanding of daily life with RA. Also your GP as others have suggested, if they are approachable, as they are in charge of your overall care.

You are putting much thought into this which can only be good and I am sure this is how you approach your whole life and there are many ways in which to find fulfilment. The feelings on the other hand are gut feelings which can obviously be affected by hormone levels etc, which like the disease we have limited control over.

I wish you much luck with your RA and your life, you have much to give.

Cariad71

Hi Charleeh,

I feel for you as this dilemma is something I've been going through myself for a while.

There are so many things to consider when thinking about starting a family when you've got arthritis, or any debilitating disease for that matter. As others said it all depends on so many personal things, so consider what others say but remember only you can make the decision that's right for you. If not having children is something you might deeply regret one day, then I'd say do some thorough research now to help you make a truly informed decision. For me, I've known I wanted to be a mother since I was a child myself, and although I have a challenging, fulfilling career, I know I'll never feel like I've achieved what I wanted to in life until I have children, even if they are the most difficult thing you can ever deal with!

Genetics are very complex, and as far as I know the many different forms of arthritis are different in whether they are likely to be passed on or not. I'm very fortunate to have mild sero negative arthritis, possibly AS that hasn't been fully diagnosed yet. Perhaps not having severe arthritis has made me more naive but I certainly haven't entered into the decision to start a family lightly, and have agonised over many things many times, including the guilt that I might pass something on. I know that for me, the risk is small but I don't think there is any young woman with arthritis who has jumped into the decision with no thought because they just 'want want want'. If everyone who had some sort of inheritable illness decided not to have children because of the risk of passing dodgy genes on, then many people would stay childless! Dare I say it, there are worse things to inherit than arthritis and I agree with LV that for me, I'd chose life with arthritis over no life, but again this is very personal and I know others on here would disagree. You also have schizophrenia to consider, but I'm afraid I don't know how likely that is to be passed on.

Although it's good to get your rheumatologists advice on this, don't leave your decision on such a huge thing in the hands of one Dr, as we know they can have strange points of view at times and he/she isn't you, and likely hasn't experienced life with arthritis, and if he is also male he's unlikely to understand the desire to start a family the same. My doctors and rheum nurses have been quite positive and supported me in the decision to come off meds, I hope yours are the same but as I say, if they're not, don't let that put you off. Do your own research if needed.

There's no right answer to the question of how long you have to be off meds to try to conceive, you'll see different answers everywhere and that's because it should be decided on an individual case basis, depending on what risks you are/aren't happy to take while pregnant, how severe your arthritis is and how much you're willing to endure a flare if you go cold turkey. There are a couple of absolute no-nos such as methotrexate and leflunomide while pregnant, as far as I know its a minimum of 3months off mtx and 2 years off leflunomide unless you have a 'wash out' procedure. Some people do continue meds right through pregnancy and there are some drugs that are considered relatively safe in pregnancy, but only you can decide what to do as there is usually some risk involved. I was lucky to be on only one DMARD and no biologics, so I came off methotrexate and went onto steroids when needed, which I've been told can be continued through pregnancy with low risk (steroids are used in other conditions in pregnancy such as asthma so there's quite a lot of experience with them). It's not easy being off drugs, even with mild arthritis, I found two previous members' blogs helpful, one is 'itsallaboutgettingfromatob' and the other is 'operationuptheduff'. Just google them, both girls had successful pregnancies but went through a lot to get there, and it obviously doesn't end when you have the baby, life is going to be tough looking after a baby with arthritis to contend with.

I'm afraid my iPad battery is about to go and if don't want to lose this (very) long post! Feel free to send me a personal message if you want to talk about things, I understand some of the emotions you're probably going through and did quite a bit of my own research on the drugs etc a while back when I had more time.

Lastly, I bought a good book that was recommended to me called 'arthritis, pregnancy and the road to parenthood' by Suzie Edward May. I found it helpful and you can order it on her website for about £20 (including postage from Australia).

I really wish you the best and hope you get the help and advice you need and deserve to come to the right decision

Cariad xx

LignumVitae

Congratulations Cariad! It's great news you are pregnant and your post is a very thoughtful and heartfelt one. Arthritis and babies isn't the best combination but I honestly think an arthritic mum is so used to changing and switching with the unexpected that lots of the jolts of motherhood are easier for us to handle than our more able bodied counterparts. I hope you have a smooth pregnancy (my arthritis went into remission) and I hope you can for once enjoy the wonders of your body. Managing to produce my two gave me a new way to see my body. Before that I had only seen it's failings and now, even at my worst moments I can think 'well the joints are rubbish but look what it made' and that helps me battle with arthritis!

Cariad71

Ah thankyou LV, but I'm not pregnant yet! (As far as I know!)

Unfortunately taking the pill for many years seemed to have left my body a bit confused and things haven't settled as I thought they would! So I'm feeling frustrated with my body at the moment for several reasons! I've been lucky to have a period of remission helped by steroids though, so for now I'm managing with no meds and plodding along. I wish id planned things better and come off the pill before coming off mtx though! :roll:

Your positive attitude and posts were a great inspiration to me when I was feeling rather low about the whole thing, so thankyou xx

mermaid

Dear Cariad,

Just wanted to wish you very much luck as you pursue your dream of becoming a mum. Like LV, I consider my 3 young people (can't call them children now) together with my amazing husband fantastic human beings who give a lot not only to us and each other, but to the world and we feel very lucky to have them in our lives. Two of them have had some health problems - there could be a genetic marker link (on both sides of our families) but it is not the same as my condition and different from each other and both occur in the general population anyway. My RA came from nowhere as far back as we know. If only we could guarantee good health and happiness for our children, how wonderful that would be.

Life is what it is and sometimes we are stronger for it.

As for coming off the pill and not much happening for a while, this happened to me too and to my daughter, but eventually we got there!

I sincerely hope that all goes as you would wish to all of you thinking about having children, to me the most precious gift of all.

xx

charleeh

Thank you so much for your replies everyone.... its important for me to hear the opinions of people who live with the condition -not just treat it.

It sounds like most people come from loving families and have loving families of their own - which sounds lovely but its a foreign concept for me I'd afraid.

I didn't have a nice childhood - my mom didn't and still does not love me, I lived with my nan who was emotionally awkward to say the least. And my dad, well he is the one with schizophrenia so most things he said to me were either awful or upsetting. Dad had affairs and broke up their dis-functional marriage in the end, but I had lived with Nan a long time before that happened.

What if I had a baby and I didn't love it? Like my mom never 'took to me'? Or what if the child grows up and does not love me? - My mom certainly has issues with Nan?

Even now I remain emotionally shut off to a certain extent. I distance myself so people can't cause me any pain if that makes sense? Even with my husband but I don't mean to.

To see how his family interact fascinates me as they have something called 'trust'. Something else that was absent from my life until I met my husband.

Maybe I have more than the arthritis fear to battle here ??

I have treatment every month with a lady who has a lovely family, they
are so close and so loving and helpful. If I were able to have a family I'd like one like hers!

I think I need to research into if the children develop any issues caused by medications - thats the main issue that bothers me.

In all honesty I think its adoption that appeals to me most; but my husband does not like the idea, he rather not have them I think.

Again thanks for the replies everyone!

&

Cariad71 wrote:

but I'm not pregnant yet! (As far as I know!)

I hope you conceive soon!! ..... plenty cosy nights to have in the winter months

mermaid wrote:

However it does sound as if you need a professional endorsement to help you

I will see if there is anyone else who I can speak to about this, it might put my mind at ease!

Maybe if I had a family who supported me I would feel confident that I might have help if I were poorly with a child?? :?:

Charleeh x

mermaid

Hi again CharleeH,

I have to say I am very moved by your thoughtful post. You have had a lot to deal with in your young life and the fact that you are so reflective bodes well for any relationship, adults or children. I can well understand that you would hold back sometimes for fear of being hurt after your experiences, but the fact remains that you are successfully married and appear to have a good relationship with your husband, even though this is a very difficult time for you both. Couples often feel differently about having children and this can just be the male/female differences, though we are all influenced by our backgrounds.

You say you have treatment with someone, not sure what sort of treatment but I hope it is beneficial. I wondered if it would help you to have some counselling sessions to talk over your concerns, either on your own or with your husband? They can't make up your mind for you, but a skilled counsellor can really help you sort out your feelings and provide a safe space to express your fears.

Although our families (we are both only children) were supportive, they did live too far away to be of much practical help when our children were small. However I made good friends through the children and they were a huge help when times were tough and are still good friends today many years later.

Once again I wish you much luck and am sure you will make the best choice for yourselves. I hope your condition responds to treatment too.

Take good care.