Difficult time

theresak

Two years ago this week, my dad died, just one month short of his 89th birthday. Mentally, he was as sharp as a tack, fiercely independent, still had his own teeth, & in short, he was marvellous for his age. Since Mam died, 16 years ago, I called on dad or phoned him every day, & every weekend he had his meals with us, so he left a very big hole. The morning of his death, when he didn`t answer his phone at our normal calling time of 8.30, I went to his house, and found him, to all intents & purposes, looking asleep. There was a PM, as he hadn`t needed a doctor in ages, and then the funeral of course, then the traumatic clearing & selling of the family home over the course of the next few months.

All week, I can`t seem to get the events of that morning out of my mind - they seem to spin round in a continuous loop. I`ve done all sorts of jobs in the house to distract myself, & today I have run out of steam & feel as if I am wading through treacle.

I`ve been telling myself to get a grip, it`s not as if I`m young & impressionable, but is this normal? I`m angry with myself for feeling like a wimp.

Sorry this is so long-winded, & thanks for reading this to the end if you managed to get that far.

dreamdaisy

It is entirely normal. ((( ))) Grief can strike us at any time following the death of a loved one, and especially when it's that of your remaining parent. You also have the shock of finding him then dealing with the following events - that must have been a dreadful strain but at the time adrenalin fuels you. That's long gone now so stop telling yourself off, sit down with a nice cuppa or a glass of wine and devote some time to remembering your father as the man he was, kind, considerate, caring and the lovely times you spent with him and your mum, and then just you and him. It sounds as though he had a peaceful death: that is a blessing.

I went through this myself last year, my Ma died on April 10th, I got there too late to be with her (she lived 120 miles away) and I now regularly dream about her and my Pa (who died in 2002). Ma was somewhat of a hoarder and, because of the distance involved (and my arthritis) I had the house professionally cleared. I now regret that very much but it had to be that way, I couldn't have coped. There were wooden crates in the garage that hadn't been opened since they moved in during October 1961 - I wonder what was in them? After my Pa died, Mr DD and me went into the garage to find instructions for the boiler: we failed in that mission but we did find a full bottle of whisky in his left welly - I think he'd put it there for safety! (He only had a small whisky when he had a cold.) DD

stickywicket

I agree with all DD has said. This was a momentous event, all the more so for him having been such a big part of your life, plus the shock of finding him. You seem to me to be a very 'together' sort of person, Tezz, and by no means a wimp. Maybe you've kept it all together for so long you now feel, subconsciously, it's 'safe' to deal with it.

Strong emotions will not be tamed or repressed. I used to virtually re-live my sons' births every year for some time. (They were both very easy births ) I'd go through the full gamut of what happened when.

I only recently discovered information on my Dad's beloved eldest brother, killed at Gallipoli. I became temporarily obsessed with a man I'd never known :roll:

Go easy on yourself. Mourn the father you loved in what ever way seems most appropriate whenever it seems necessary. It seems you were far too busy, at the time, being a good daughter to given rein to your own emotions.

villier

((((())))) for you Tezz I cannot really add much to what DD and SW have said, it has only been two years and of course still very raw and always worse when it is unexpected. Try and dwell on all the lovely memories maybe having a nice glass of wine as DD suggested, I lost my dear mum thirteen years ago and it still hurts although it does get easier as time goes on. Come on here and get it off your chest anytime if it helps, we understand.................take care I am thinking of you.............Marie xx

mig

Its over 20years since i lost both my parents ,mum just lived 15months after dad went,he was her whole life even myself and my brother and sisters and her grandchildren couldn't bring her out of the deep melancholy,sometimes something triggers a memory and its just like it happened yesterday .Everyone copes in their own way you will find yours in time. Mig

Sharon2960

I lost my mum fairly suddenly, she collapsed one morning, spent a week in ICU, seemed to pick up during the course of the 7th day then we were called in that night to be with her at the end. It was very traumatic, and I remember only too well how you feel. I used to try to distract myself with all sorts of things then, one day, I decided to give myself some time to just allow the thoughts to come, rather than fight them - lots of tears, anger, bitterness, but it did the trick, and allowed me to learn to accept that I had to go thru all the horrible thoughts and memories to start healing and finding the lovely thoughts and memories that enabled me to smile about my mum again. Good luck, take plenty of time, don't shy away from the tears - eventually, you will start to feel better xx

hileena111

Tezz
Sending you lots of ((((((((())))))))) There isn't much more I can add to what SW and DD have said.

My dad died 10 years ago and although I loved him I'd been living away from home for a long time, firstly in Australia, then Manchester and then North East.......they were in Northern Ireland......so it didn't hit me quite as hard as it did my brother who still lived over there.
My mam is 92 now and although he still lives there and me over here I know that will hit me hard when it happens
Once again lots of ((((())))

Love
Hileena

stickywicket

Thinking of you. ((()))

theresak

Thank you so much, all of you, for your kind and supportive words - they made a lot of sense. I`ve stopped trying to distract myself with endless jobs, as I`m simply too tired today. I was sorting through a box of old bills, papers etc.,when I came across the tributes my two sons had written for Dad`s funeral - they were warm and humorous, which he would have loved, so I shed some tears and felt myself smile.

DD, I`m sorry you weren`t able to be with your mother, and you were right about dad`s painless death being a blessing. My lovely mum died in hospital of leukaemia almost 16 years ago, and all we could do that night was sit and wait with her. You made me chuckle about the whisky in the wellington boot - the first time dad needed to change a light bulb he searched the house, not knowing where mum kept them. He finally found them stashed in a very tall vase he kept for gladioli!

SW, I don`t feel very "together," but I know I`ll get there - I have a very supportive family, so I`m lucky.

Thanks again all - you have been a great help.

Tezz x

barbara12

Hello Tezz
I just want to add to the hugs that the others have given,its over 20 years now since I lost my parents, some days are still hard especially at this time of the year, and to top it off I lost my eldest brother on Christmas day 5 years ago..so just you try and be kind to yourself....((((()))) xx

LignumVitae

(((((()))))) it's awful to lose somebody but when it is sudden I think you take a lot longer to come to terms with it - give yourself time and space and patience and allow yourself to feel the full force of grief. You only grieve hard for those you love hard. I still can't hear a brass band without a lump coming to my throat for my Grandad - the love of my childhood, he died in 1997 and I will never stop missing him.

stickywicket

You also have a supportive 'arthritis family' on here, Tezz, so use us any way we can help. (Think of it as 'flare prevention )

theresak

stickywicket wrote:

You also have a supportive 'arthritis family' on here, Tezz, so use us any way we can help. (Think of it as 'flare prevention )

Thank you again - I`m so pleased I took the plunge and began posting.

I`m feeling brighter today, so hopefully my "wobble" is going away. It`s just a bit hard when you`re in pain as well, and also because I`m so used to trying to be the "strong one."

stickywicket

I hope the wobble is, indeed, wobbling away but these things do wobble back from time to time. Being strong involves knowing when and where it's safe to be temporarily weak. We all cope with a lot routinely. Sometimes other stuff just becomes overwhelming. Straws, camels etc. Maybe more tripe in your diet

theresak

I probably need the extra-strong concentrated tripe!

dreamdaisy

Ah, we've sold out of that, I am sorry.

Grief is both a complex and peculiar emotion, it can swipe one in the most unexpected way (and often does). I still recall finding that bottle of whisky (I've no idea what happened to it) but it was such a Pa thing to do that all I could do was giggle. I also think it may be harder for us to bear because we are so physically compromised, that does make a difference. When it hits let it do so, don't fight it because that will only make it hurt more. DD