What a week

Slosh

Really feeling fed up, frustrated and sorry for myself so this is a bit of a winge.
Firstly my daughter who is 22, has two children and a third on the way has been diagnosed with ME and she also has polycystic ovaries and most likely endometriosis. Feel so sad for her, worried for her and frustrated that I can't be of more help to her other than emotionally as she lives the other side of London and I am working full-time and we both feel pretty wiped out by the weekend.

Work has also been tough the last couple of weeks, loads of child protection stuff which while important and rewarding when I know that my actions have helped to keep a child safe if a lot of work and emotionally draining plus all the usual and while myusual working day is 8.30 to 3.30-4.00, last week I had one day when I had to give training and didn't finish until 5.00 and the following two days I finished at 4.30.

Finally I had a meeting with my head who was asking me how sustainable I felt working full-time was, and wanted me to spend more time going around the school rather than in my office and suggested I do paperwork after school as much as possible, reminding me I used to work until 5-5.30 and come in at 7.30. He was honest and said he was trying to balance being supportive of me and the demands of other staff and the school's needs. I did ask him later if he was considering capability procedures or early retirement and he said very definitely not.

I've been stressing about it all weekend, he and other staff don't seem to get it when I say if I go around the school and into classes it will have to be at the start of the week as I don't have the energy by the end.

At the moment I just don't have the energy to even start thinking abot Christmas cards etc let alone decorating the house and I keep thinking back to this time last year when I was able to walk for up to a couple of hours with just a stick, and had the hope of treatment that would resolve my neck problem.

I am going to try and get a GP appointment to discuss what he thinks is reasonable in terms of working hours but I think part of the issue is that I haven't returned to work "fixed" .
I just feel that I'm letting my school down as well as my daughter.

It made it worse as I thought I'd upped my game at work since half-term, I haven't had any time off sick, and I just don't think I can do any more than I am doing.

Sorry this is so long but I know you all understand and after her news this week I didn't want to put all this onto my daughter.

stickywicket

(((())))Oh Slosh, whinge away, please. This is several bad situations all rolled into one horrible week and it has to be acknowledged.

You are working in a situation and to a schedule which would be quite punishing for anyone let alone someone in your circumstances. We, on here, can see how brilliantly and inspiringly you're doing but I guess your fellow members of staff, especially towards the tiring end of term, can only see where, in their eyes, you're falling short and they are worried about having to pick up any pieces. The head will be caught between two stools.

People with normal energy levels have no real idea of life without them. Their idea of feeling shattered can soon be banished with an invitation to a meal, pub or party whereas, for us, that would only increase the feeling of shatteredness and no way could we consider accepting. Could you possibly explain to them, or even adapt for them, the Spoon Theory ie you have so many for the week and once gone they're gone?

I'm 100% certain that you're right in your assessment of being unable to give any more. If you try it will be counterproductive. You are not 'fixed' and, sadly, never will be. This is as good as it gets and you are doing remarkably well to achieve all you do.

Don't beat yourself up about Christmas cards, decorations etc. Me neither and I can't plead a long working day. I have in front of me a pile of unwrapped presents and boxes of unwritten cards. More presents have yet to be bought. The tree and decorations are still in the loft and may well stay there as we're going to our son's for Christmas. Christmas is about more than the tinsel.

I'm sorry to hear your daughter's bad news. ME and (almost) three children can not be an easy combination. I have a friend with polycystic ovaries and endometriosis and, due to her experiences, I thought it was actually quite hard to conceive with them. Her daughter and son are about 10 years apart in age. She is always tired but, paradoxically, is one of the hardest working people I've ever met, holding down three, physical jobs rather than seeking any benefits.

I do hope things improve soon for your daughter. And for you. You two can empathise over the phone or a skype session. It's a brilliant invention for keeping families together.

theresak

Hi Slosh, please don't feel bad about having what you call a whinge - you are simply telling it how it is. It's bad enough having problems of your own, but I think it's even harder when your children have them, be they physical or mental. It's a mother's instinct to fix things for our children, but sadly it's just not always possible. Skype or Face time can be helpful in the support stakes, and might be an idea for you.

I can only sympathise with you as regards the school situation. It's almost 16 years now since I retired on health grounds, but I still remember the constant battle against pain, fatigue, and juggling several plates in the air at the same time. You have a hugely demanding job, even if you were well it would be energy sapping. I've learned over the years that only other sufferers know how we feel, and how much work can take out of us. They have no idea how sometimes we feel like we can barely stand up, let alone put in a full shift. Consequently, they can't really empathise, especially if they are worried they may have to pick up the slack.

Christmas will come and then it will go, whether or not you get decorations up or not. I'm trying to write a few cards at a time, but wrapping I find hard, so will enlist hubby's help. Like Sticky, we are spending Christmas with both sons in younger son's home, so won't have to cook. I'm sorely tempted not to bother 'decking the halls ' here, since we'll be in York. Please don't beat yourself up trying to be all things to all people - that's an impossible task. You can't do any more than you are, so maybe a gentle word with colleagues. While they won't get it, they should still hear it.

Take care.

dreamdaisy

Any of this would be challenging at any time of the year but I reckon that the ridiculous pressures of Christmas makes it even harder. It's time to apply the process of elimination and disregard the non-essential bits of Christmas (which are numerous) and concentrate your focus on what truly matters, you and her.

From an outsider's perspective you are both in similar boats so can empathise, encourage and sympathise with genuine feelings. Life comes with all kinds of risks - parents always want the best for their children but life cares not about that (as you yourself have discovered in the past ghastly year).

Do what you can to help both of you and do not feel guilt about the things you cannot manage - that is a total waste of valuable emotional energy. DD

Slosh

Thank you both so much.
My daughter and I are very close and when I can't get over at a weekend due to me, her or both of us being rough we tend to have a long, 90 minutes! phone call on a Saturday morning plus lots of messaging and usually a shorter chat during the week. One thing is we are both able to support each other emotionally as we both understand fatigue.

We were amazed when she became pregnant again as had assumed she couldn't have any more and she was on a continuous pill.

I had thought about the spoon theory and will send out an edited version. My Head is lovely but is stuck between supporting me and the demands of the school/other staff and from January we are back in the OFSTED window.

It probably doesn't help that I get very frustrated with myself and my limitations.

As for Christmas well the teaching assistant staff (24) are going to be wrapped by an admin assistant, I will write no more than 6 cards a night and put a message on facebook/email people to explain why they may not get one this year, and prune my list.

I'm also planning minimum cooking over the break.

The other issue, but one I will deal with later is that I have a feeling my marriage is falling apart. Basically while he still loves me my OH can't handle the situation so he has more or less moved out, comes here once a fortnight while I'm at work to do some cleaning, and visits for a couple of hours once a fortnight on a Saturday. At the moment I don't have the energy to discuss this with him but will do so over the break. The house is in my name though.

Thanks again for your support. I can get counselling through my school's health insurance scheme and I'm starting to think it might be an idea. I'm also thinking about contacting my union.

LignumVitae

I'm not in a fit state to post lots or coherently but Slosh I just wanted to give you a huge bunch of hugs. When the chips are down there are times when it feels like they just keep dropping. Hang on in there lovely lady. This too shall pass. I understand why you are too tired to discuss with your husband, that's the nature of chronic long term debilitating problems. I don't understand his position, a marriage is all about on sickness and in health. In some ways I was lucky because arthritis was part and parcel of my wedding trousseau (pretty much the only thing really) so Mr LV had an idea what he was getting. I don't know the answer beyond take a break, take stock and get control of your work situation (drop hours to part time if at all possible), look after yourself, get your head together and only then step outside and deal with everything else. Trying to sort too much at once creates a house of cards. Christmas can go hang, send one group email/post on Facebook that you are donating the cost of cards and postage to a charity of your choice- then you get relief and do something really Christmassy - it's the spirit of good will and giving to all women (and most men!)
(((((((())))))))

dreamdaisy

Oh dear, I am sorry to read this, Slosh. Arthritis takes its toll on not only us but those around us; it is very difficult for those with either no or minor health issues to understand what it does to us - and it's hard for us to understand why they can't cope when they're not affected as such but we have to because we are. :roll:

It is difficult to keep our spouses aware of how we're feeling without sounding as though we are complaining or moaning all the time. It is a very delicate balance and it's one I haven't yet mastered: I do my best to be self-reliant but it doesn't always work - and isn't part of a marriage. You're not the first to go through this and I daresay you won't be the last: I hope that you and he can sort stuff out, and talk things through, leading to you both being in a more positive situation. DD

theresak

So sorry to learn this from your second post, Slosh. All I can say is that however strong you are, you must still take all the help you can get, from whichever quarter.

One of my friends refused to consider counselling, but when finally persuaded, said she was surprised to find it a positive experience, being able to offload on someone outside the family, rather than worrying those within.

It's great that you and your daughter are so close - this will stand you both in good stead for any difficulties to come. Do take care.

bubbadog

Slosh, I'm so sorry to read what you are going through, work wise as I don't work anymore I don't understand the new system but all I can say is something has got to give before you totally burn yourself out and your no good to on body! At least you have the Christmas break to help a little in recharging your battery.
I don't want to give advice on your marriage but all I can say is long term illnesses do put a strain on relationships & Marriages and it's between the people involved whether they can keep it together or not and we are here to support you if you need us.
As for Christmas it's all about the family and being together the tinsel, tree and presents are optional!!
I send big (())'s to you and a shoulder if you need it.

barbara12

Oh Slosh I am sorry to read your daughter is poorly, its rotten when your children are suffering...you really are doing your best at work, we don't want you over doings things and having to cut hours....never mind upping them..
I can only imagine how stressful the case loads are..I take my hat off to people like you that do these jobs... I hope you daughter improves very soon..and you can come to some arrangement with your bosses...((())) xx

villier

Sorry to hear about your daughter Slosh and your problems at work, we all know how well you have done to get back to what you have all ready achieved, lets hope you can get a compromise sorted out very soon ((((())))) ....................Marie x

Slosh

Thank you all, it helps a lot to have you supporting and encouraging me. Today was ok, busy with SEN reviews all day, same again tomorrow. I spoke to my colleagues who share an office with me after one had commented on how tired I was looking, I asked them to tell me if at any time they felt I wasn't pulling my weight so I could try and up my game, they immediately responded that if I wasn't working hard enough then neither was anyone else. One also said that everyone was feeling tired and that with all I had to cope with I would be feeling it worse.
I also have an offer to wrap Christmas presents from another colleague!

Feeling more positive, I have made a shortened version of the spoon theory to send to key staff tomorrow and made contact with my union and need to arrange a time for them to call me.
Thanks once again.

Nikkijamie

Hello slosh

I'm not as experienced at offering advice as the other but wish to offer my support and well wishes. Glad to see your most recent post is a little more positive but trust what your colleagues say when they say you are working hard.

Take care of yourself

Nikki

dreamdaisy

I've been having a think about this, Slosh, and concluded that I haven't lowered my standards as such, I've repeatedly tailored them to suit my reduced physical circumstances. I have seventeen more years of dealing with this nonsense which has, in a cockeyed way, helped me to adjust at a steady rate. For you, however, it's all happened so very quickly and must be a huge shock to your system, self-esteem, morale etc. etc. etc.

For what it's worth I reckon you need some time to pause, reflect and gather renewed strength (both emotional and physical). Hopefully the Christmas break will provide this, especially if you keep Christmas very low-key. It's not as important as you and your family. DD

Starburst

Oh Slosh, what a tough week. That all sounds so incredibly overwhelming. For what it's worth, I've followed your journey back to work and I have observed you making very good progress in adapting to life with a disability in a fast paced and stressful job. I wanted to say this because I'd hate for you to think that you aren't doing well because you are. It's so easy to look at a person doing a job when you don't know what it's like to live with arthritis or similar. You've made so many positive adjustments to your life, they are worth remembering and celebrating.

I agree with DD in that in might be helpful to use the Christmas break to think through what you really want from your marriage and from your work. There is so much pressure over this Christmas period; it's no longer just the 25th December, it's the run up to it as well. The media tells us to eat lots, spend lots and do lots. I take the opposite approach and I slow down, reflect on the year that has gone and spend time with the people who matter.

Be kind to yourself.

Slosh

Thank you. I am having a better week, so far at least (well it is only Tuesday), and one thing I have learnt is not to bottle these feelings up but share them with others who understand and can offer good advice and support.

I've nearly finished all my SEN reviews which will be good as they are draining and then I can focus on tieing up loose ends, finishing off paperwork etc. So while I have got a few longer days ahead I have the break in sight and feel grateful to be a teacher. I will also be posting in my professional role on the my child has arthritis forum as I want some advice on a pupil in school with JIA, but at least I knew a bit more about the drugs she is on from reading posts on here and I have sent her teacher a copy of the spoon theory.

Physio tomorrow morning and hopefully he will have found out more about my neuropsychiatric diagnosis and it will be good to chat to him. I have also booked a GP appointment for next Thursday morning so I can have a chat with him about how I am feeling and the working hours issue, and I contacted my union for advice over my rights over requesting part-time work on disability grounds and have a call back booked for Thursday. I don't want to rush into any decisions but just want to,find out where I stand and hopefully also get a salary assessment.

Christmas is fairly low key, meeting up with a close friend on the 22nd, posdibly having my older grandson to stay over on the 23rd, lunch with my daughter and family Christmas eve and then Church in the morning on Christmas day and a no cook seafood lunch. I've even decided to buy a ready cooked ham joint this year.