I have arthritis and I'm glad

LignumVitae

Seriously, I am. You know that phrase, if you threw your troubles into a pile with everybody else then you would soon choose to take yours back, this last week has proven to me that in my case, if you throw your ailments into a pile you will soon choose to take arthritis back.

I've spent the last week trying, and at times failing, to help a dear dear friend go through a significant mental crisis. I don't have much experience of mental illness but over the last week my friend has gone through irrational, irritable, forgetful and deceptive phases. It has been frustrating and wearisome and hard work. On saturday night it was utterly terrifying when their crisis came to a head, they disappeared, switched their phone off after leaving messages making it clear they were planning on not being able to switch their phone back on. I ended up giving the police a description of them in the hope that the police could find them before anything dreadful happened. I was doing that whilst other friends drove about in the dark looking for them. Happily the police were very amazing and found them and talked to them and that moment of desperation seems to have given my friend the necessary jolt or perspective they needed. A plan is now in place for treatment, support and a way forward.

It made me realise how much easier, not easy, but easier arthritis is to deal with than a broken mind. At least with arthritis there is some sort of logic, at least you can still reason even if your body doesn't want you to. At least people around you kind of get arthritis sort of, in theory or most of the time. Understanding a swollen and aching mind is so much harder to do.

Yesterday, I took my friend for a brisk walk around a local reservoir to try and help them find some inner peace and endorphins (and to keep a close eye on them). I knew in the afternoon I would be chest deep in a warm swimming pool doing basic hydrotherapy exercises in the disguise of teaching my girls to swim and I knew Mr LV was on dinner and housework duties so I knew my body could afford, with the help of extra codiene, that walk (especially leaning on a pram). I saw another 'friend' whilst we were there and recognised the judgemental look of 'oh, you can get around here can you? well there isn't so much wrong with you'. It annoyed me for a moment and then I realised I was walking with somebody so much more ill than myself but more invisibly so and I thought how the judgemental 'friend' just didn't get what being unwell was all about because if you are very lucky, you get through life without knowing. I have arthritis and I am so glad that is what I have and not a mental illness.

theresak

A very thought-provoking post, LV. You are indeed a true friend to this person, and they are very lucky to have you.

While I think perhaps people are more aware of mental health issues these days, there is still some sort of stigma attached to having depression, and that is unfortunate. A very close friend of ours suffered badly, after a crisis in his life - he wouldn`t go out, lost interest in everything, and many so-called friends/colleagues deserted him. Although we did our best to be there when needed, we really feared for him, to the point that that if he didn`t answer the phone we worried sick. It was a long road back for him, and he still has the occasional wobble, but he knows we will help.

It`s awful when folk say, "Oh, for heaven`s sake, pull yourself together." It`s not as easy as that. Depression is a real illness, and yes, I`d take RA over that any day, having witnessed what it can do to a person.

stickywicket

Your poor friend! I had noticed your absence last week but just assumed it was the pressures of work. I'm so glad that 'treatment, support and a way forward' is now in place. The outcome could have been so different and so final.

Like you, I have often looked at other people's lives and been grateful for my own. Though it doesn't always seem so, there are much worse things than arthritis.

You are, by nature, a kind, caring, supportive person (Oh yes you are! Don't dare deny it ) but I wonder if the arthritis has honed your sensitivity to other people's difficulties. If so, it has been a force for an incalculable amount of good.

I fear your task has not ended but just begun. I think you make a great friend but please remember your own needs. You'll be of more help to your friend if you do.

tkachev

A very true post. You were doing what you had to do at that time to help your friend. I remember when my son jumped onto the kitchen roof out of the bathroom window, I found the strength to haul him back in despite the terrible pain- I'd just come back from an appointment with my rheummy and had been told how unwell I was, it was just an inner strength to overcome what could have been a very dangerous situation.

We cannot find that strength at all times. These judgemantal people are the same people who cry off with a sore throat. Its always okay for them to feel ill and miss appointments/work/nights out.

It is so difficult to help somebody with a mental health issue because the reasons behind it are so complex. The only thing you can do is be there and not judge (theres that word again) or criticise.

elizabeth

barbara12

LV what a lovely friend you are,like you says we have to count our blessing and there are many...well sometimes..I do wish your friend or friends has you mention... well and hope the future is a good one for them..you take care..xx

ichabod6

A simple statement - there is always someone worse off than yourself.
And, more importantly, if you ever come upon someone in that situation
and can help and/or support that someone however much or little that
is a good position to be in.
You did it, lv, as we all knew you would.

dreamdaisy

Hello LV, I too was wondering why you hadn't been around but reckoned you had family demands to the fore.

Your friend is very lucky to have you there to support but probably won't acknowledge that fact because that is not in their capability. I hope things improve for them soon but don't exhaust yourself trying to fulfil their needs, OK? ((( ))) DD

GraceB

Your friend is indeed very lucky to know you and to have your support, friendship and help.

Mental illness is a terrible thing to battle with and - let's face it - it is a battle. Hopefully s/he will overcome this.

Please be careful with your own health. As for those sending funny looks your way - ignore them. You were pushing yourself beyond your boundaries (and will have the payback tomorrow which won't be noticed as you may not be able to get out because of this). I hope that that judgemental individual never knows what it's like to need the help and support of a friend like yours as I have a feeling they may well be disappointed ...

GraceB

dreamdaisy

I've been pondering your comment upon the 'judgemental' look from the other friend, and wondering if sometimes we are too open or too ready to feel judged by those around us because we are so aware of our limitations.

I don't subscribe to the 'there are others who are worse off than yourself so be grateful for what you have' school of thought - anyone who is dealing with a chronic condition of any kind struggles. DD

stickywicket

Oooh that rare opportunity to disagree with DD

Yes, we all struggle but everyone has their struggles in life and I prefer the arthritic life to eg:
Having mental illness (not that they're mutually exclusive)
Being unloved (ditto)
Being a street child
Being a homeless refugee
Having arthritis 100 years ago or in a country with no free / cheap health care
And many more.

I am loved, warm, well-fed and with free access to the necessary medication. I feel lucky.

LignumVitae

Thank you all for your kind comments. My friend does seem to be in a better state than at anytime last week. Hopefully rock bottom was reached and now it is the long hard climb back up - it won't be easy and I will be there to support however I can but it is up, not down or in a pit of misery and that can only be better.

I am quite exhausted, less physically and more emotionally. I have had a few nightmares which isn't surprising given the situation and I feel rather flat and sad. Inevitably I am sore but I am sitting in a warm house researching things for work and letting my mind think about what colour to paint the room - I feel the need to brighten things up. Again, not surprising. Painting will be a job for Mr LV but I shall do a good job of director of operations and general pointer out of missed spots.

I do try to not be overly sensitive to possible judgements DD but this 'friend' has a long history of judging others over everything yet never expecting to be judged herself. I have another friend who often berates her for her comments and behaviour, I just try to ignore. I got a text yesterday evening saying I looked like I was enjoying my 'romp' in the hills...if only you knew my dear!

I think I'm with you Sticky, I don't often listen to the 'there are others worse off' but I think I prefer arthritis to lots of other life changing and affecting options. I'd add addiction or the family of an addict to that list to having seen it's devastation at cloes quarters

dreamdaisy

Those who dish but can't take is a well-recognised phenomenon in parts of humanity and there's no point in remonstrating. Of course they and their petty views are far more important than anything else.

I am not glad I have arthritis but I do, it is what it is, it will do what it will do and it's up to me to make the best of it. I think we all reach our limits in what we can handle (no matter whether we have good health or poor) and we can get lost in our struggles to cope. I remember telling my rheumatology nurse (when things were very rough) that I was unhappy and her response was I should be pleased for those newer patients who were accessing the anti-TNFs a great deal earlier and having their lives changed. Talk about open wound and salt. I plastered on a grin and agreed that yes, talking about my struggles was irrelevant to those who were doing well and who weren't in the room.

Right, I'm off to start preparing a lunch which would take someone without my problems no time at all but luckily I have an hour or more to dedicate to the necessary processes - aren't I the lucky one? DD

stickywicket

Of course you are exhausted. Just 'being there' for someone and listening carefully to what they say is one of the most exhausting things one can do. Factor in the emotional wringing out (yours, not the friend's) and the actual physical stuff and it will have taken a huge toll on you and your meagre physical resources. Adrenaline gets us through the crisis but then sends in the invoice later. (((())))

scattered

As someone who has RA and has had severe mental health difficulties, I can relate to so many things in your post LV.

Thank you for being there for your friend, and for not giving up on them when things are very difficult, for them and for you. It may take them a long time to appreciate the support you are offering, but when they are doing better they will thank you too.

People often underestimate the impact coping with mental illness has on those around the person involved, so please look after yourself first and foremost.

As for feeling glad about having any kind of condition: we all have our own definitions of what the worst thing to have to live through would be. By many people's definitions, I have lived through some of those 'worst' things. Am I glad I experienced them? I don't know. They have all shaped the person I am today and for that I am grateful.

There are lots of things I could say to this. Part of me, like DD, sees everyone with a chronic illness, mental or physical, as being in a similar boat: we're all keeping afloat as best we can. I don't view myself as worse off because I happened to lumbered with two gorillas rather than one. I've just had to learn to cope differently. Neither one of my illnesses is more or less than the other. They are just different and require different life skills. Some parts are very much the same. I take meds, to talk with professionals, I pace my activities. I do have to be careful, physically and mentally, to make sure I keep myself as well as possible. I've lost a lot to the arthritis and to the mental illness, but I've also gained a huge amount as well.

stickywicket

scattered wrote:

I've lost a lot to the arthritis and to the mental illness, but I've also gained a huge amount as well.

Well said, scattered. I think that sentence alone is proof.

Starburst

LV, it takes a kind and selfless soul to give to others when they are struggling themselves. I know your friend will appreciate the time, care and attention you have given to them.

I have made some reference to my mental health difficulties in the past but I have never been explicit. I won't go in detail but I spent many years in turmoil from the age of 13, even spending many months as an inpatient. Bizarrely, becoming physically unwell with RA was the last push I needed to start living. So, I know the importance of friendships. I also know that, in the depths of my illness, I was unable to fully express how much I appreciated those who stood by me. Four of my childhood friends refused to desert me, even when I pushed them away. In recent years, I have been able to thank them but it's not possible to express the depth of my gratitude. I hope they know.

I've had my struggles with accepting the invisibility of RA but if I was to compare, I'd say I am more comfortable (which isn't very much!) with talking about my RA symptoms that I ever was about my mental health. Friends from recent years (college, university and work) have never been told of my past. Despite that, it is a huge part of me. It's brought me to where I am today. If someone had told me 10 years ago that I'd even be alive, let alone living in the way I am, I would have laughed. It seemed impossible. Life with RA feels difficult but never feels impossible like it did before. I'd rather have RA ravage my body than mental illness ravage my mind.

I'm glad you've written this because it comes at very appropriate. "Thursday 5 February 2015 is Time to Talk Day, and we’re asking the nation to take 5 minutes to have a conversation about mental health." http://www.time-to-change.org.uk/timetotalkday

Sending strength to anyone out there who may be reading this. You are not alone.

stickywicket

I, and many others one here, are very glad you made it through those difficult years. We are all the beneficiaries

How about a thread on Chit Chat for Feb 5th?

dreamdaisy

Sophie, you and Scattered are two remarkable young women, it's a privilege to 'know' you both. DD

LignumVitae

Thank you Scattered and Sophie for two frank and humbling responses. What a brave and amazing pair you are. My friend has had some low points this week (and been a bit of a gumpy so and so with it) but hopefully things are going forward even if it is slow progress. I'm guessing none of this resolves overnight in the same way arthritis doesn't.
I'm tired and sore and wiped out - what's new? Well it all feels a little worse than normal but today is Humira day so hopefully things will improve!