A question of is it normal ????

Turbogran

dose anyone feel that although they live with husband/wife/partner they can at times feel very lonely. my OH is doing a college course studying done at home except for one Saturday a month when he has to do a day at the college. at the moment our weekdays goes as follows get up anywhere between 7-8 am usually me first. as my pain is at its worst when I up OH usually gets sorts out breakfast when he gets up and has had his wash shower or whatever and taken the dog into our garden he is not at all a talkative person 1st thing so conversation is very limited, By 9.am he is in the room we call the office (our spare bedroom) studying this he dose till around 11.30 then he will go out and possibly have a snack lunch while he is out. gets back around 1pm by which time I have usually gone out for a bit to do whatever I'm going to be doing that day when I get back usually between 4-5pm I usually find him in the office again studying where he will have been since he got back around 1pm and he will be in there till around 5.pm from then on he is in the living room but is either watching telly, on his laptop, listening to music or asleep on sofa during all of this if you dare interrupt him to tell or ask him anything he looks at you with such a look that you just say no more the he has the cheek to say later when he ask you something well you never told me that. Its driving me mad. don't get me wrong I love him to pieces sometimes all you want is tell someone what has happened to you that day. impossible in my house.

dreamdaisy

This sounds familiar to me - my husband is out of the house for between fourteen and sixteen hours per day, he comes in, I feed him then he falls asleep on the sofa. Come the weekend he can easily spend another four to six hours working upstairs. He has a responsible job and with that come commitment to the point that holidays are interrupted with conference calls, emails and texts. I don't envy him. My day is of little interest to him (it's not of much interest to me either!) and he won't discuss his, either because he's eating or he's asleep.

Men tend not to be great talkers, my Pa hated 'pointless chatting' and the glower you would get if you asked him if he wanted a drink whilst he was reading was spectacular! We, however, make the effort to go out once a week for a meal, I will send him the occasional text during the day saying that I love him (fully-knowing I won't get a reply) but at least he knows he is being thought about.

It is very easy to lead separate lives under the same roof so I hope you can find things you can do together before you find yourselves either side of your version of the Grand Canyon. Marriages take work (hopefully by both parties) but, in my experience, it's more usual for the female to put in the extra effort. DD

Turbogran

Thanks DD
I know I'm not the only one that has this problem however yesterday it just really annoyed me as it can from time to time. thing was he is going away on Sunday for 4 days to a retreat to do with his course to Lindesfarne holy island the dog will be in Kennels and I was supposed to be going to our daughters for the 4 days but now I cannot go till Monday as she is working in London over the weekend so was pretty annoyed when I told him on Saturday after her phone call and he didn't even answer just shrugged his shoulders without even taking his eyes off the telly then about half hour later he asked if it meant I couldn't go away on Sunday. Oh well lived with it for nearly 45 years so I am used to it I just hope when he finishes this course in November things may change a bit.

stickywicket

I think most women reading this will see something of their own marriage in it and most men will wonder what the fuss is about. It's all too easy to lapse into routines in which there's a comforting presence but little else.

Hats off to your man that he's taken up a college course. It's not easy resuming studies in later life. (Have you thought of doing one yourself? I did, in my 50s and it was fascinating.)

I think the bull has to be taken by the horns, Carol. Tell him how you feel, how you 'miss' him and how you'd like some quality time together. Maybe the occasional walk? When we do that Mr SW has a habit (of which he's completely oblivious) of pouring out whatever's on his mind. On a lovely, sunny day it's not necessarily what I want :roll: but it's good that we do talk about stuff that matters. Or maybe – what we sometimes do – a walk followed by a pub lunch.

I think the main thing is just to explain you'd like to have him 'really present' sometimes. He'll probably see it as just some weird female foible but so what as long as he actually complies?

Turbogran

hi Sticky
your right I think it is a man thing and yes I am quite proud he is doing this course I not sure he would have keep it up if he was actually paying for it. (It is a lay preacher course and our church are actually paying for it) I do have my interest that take me out and about and we do have a dinner out one day a week but that last all of half hour and he is off back home to do more study. As I said earlier I love him to pieces and if he wasn't around I'd miss him dearly and I know when he comes back from this few days away he will be better for perhaps a couple of weeks and then it will slide back to the same routine. I'm just fed up at times when I'm the one made to look an idiot in front of others when he says I have not told him something and I know I have

barbara12

Hi Carol
Like SW says a lots of can understand were you are coming from, and I totally agree with comfort thing..OH and I had along talk the other day I feel that he has to do so much in the house now and still works part time..you can get into a rut, and when you have arthritis or some other illness it is easy to feel lonely and jealous that they can get on with things ...my OH is not into comps that is down to me...I am the techy... :)he goes training twice a week.. maybe you need something you can do together..when he has finish his course that is..but do talk to him...hopefully he will take some of it in...men really are from another planet ..well mine is :jheart: good luck xx

stickywicket

I find it infuriating when my beloved has clearly heard me just not bothered to answer. They really and truly cannot multi-task and that includes reading one thing and listening properly to another. I have been known to ask mine if I should make an appointment to offer him a cuppa

Lindisfarne is beautiful – and freezing . Tell him to pack his base layers.

And if he ever dares to preach about 'some words falling on stony ground'.....

ichabod6

Hello Turbogran,

If you wish I can pm you the contact details of a London based
charity that organises telephone conference call for small groups
of lonely people simply to chat. There is also an online forum
similar to this.

dreamdaisy

Mr DD has the annoying habit of not hearing me when I ask a question (typically male), saying 'What?' when I haven't said a thing (typically male), turning up the telly when I go to bed (in the next room, just one thin door away, selfish, he's losing his hearing but can't admit it, typically male) and saying the same thing within five minutes having forgotten that he has already told me (ageing male). It's one of the many challenges of marriage (and ageing within that marriage) - I remember one of the two or three useful pieces of general knowledge that my Ma passed on, viz. when you get older your poorer characteristics come to the fore.

You both have busy lives but they seem to be running on parallel rails, you need to introduce some junctions and stations, yes? DD

Turbogran

Hi DD
Yes all these things are true in our house too mr turbo does all the same things. its just finding the junctions and stations is the problem still looking hehe

Turbogran

Ichabod that could be interesting please pm me with the info thank you

Turbogran

Ha ha sticky I often feel the same about making an appointment to ask a question still chuckling to myself in fact and I have often done that myself nice to know I'm not the only one. and don't worry he knows better than to preach to me cos he knows I can answer him. have already told him when he asked me weather I minded him going to lindesfarne I said 4 days cut off from the outside world is not my cup of tea be if that's what you want to do do it. (its not a compulsory 4 day retreat by the way).